Jon Stewart Mocks The Idiocy Of CNN

One day Wolf Blitzer is just going to snap and kill Stewart.

Lindsay's Skin Issues

Is it mean of me to post this close-up of Lindsay's poor acne-pocked face? No? Cool.

She Makes Auntie Entity Seem Meek

Holy shit - this is what it's going to be like after the apocalypse. Tyra Banks leading an army of plus-sized chicks in brassieres. I hope the bombs just kill me.

Michelle Williams Speaks

Michelle Williams has issued a public statement for the first time since the death of ex-fiance Heath Ledger:

“Please respect our need to grieve privately. My heart is broken," reads the statement.

"I am the mother of the most tender-hearted, high-spirited, beautiful little girl who is the spitting image of her father.

"All that I can cling to is his presence inside her that reveals itself every day. His family and I watch Matilda as she whispers to trees, hugs animals, and takes steps two at a time, and we know that he is with us still. She will be brought up with the best memories of him."

The Crabster almost teared up over that one.

You may now proceed to rip Michelle to pieces since I know all you meanies hate her and think she's a bitch. I however will remain above the fray, as usual.

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Is Dunst About to Become the New Britney?

Kirsten Dunst is said to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown after behaving erratically during the Sundance festival.

Reports say Dunst, who recently broke up with rocker loverboy Johnny Borrell, showed up late for a scheduled event then ducked out early, prompting friends to make apologies on her idiot behalf.

"Kirsten is not in a good place right now," said one of the friends.

Um, when was she ever in a good place?

Dunst was reportedly sent into a tailspin earlier this year after hearing rumors that her ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal planned to get engaged to Reese Witherspoon.

Oh, Kiki will be fine - she just needs to drink more. And read more Carl Sagan. And perhaps bathe.

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Scientology Hit By Pranksters

19 Church of Scientology addresses around L.A. and Orange County received envelopes filled with "suspicious" white powder yesterday, but after initial tests the FBI said the powder was harmless.

The envelopes may have contained an innocuous substance, but that doesn't mean they didn't cause disruption and panic. Glendale police closed off a street for 2 hours because of one, and authorities in Tustin evacuated 60 people from a building and called in hazmat units.

Now now people...we all know Scientology is bent on destroying civilization, but that doesn't mean we have to cause a panic over it. There are much better ways to get at Scientology. Like mockery. And throwing rocks at them.

No, no throwing rocks. That would be wrong...

Something occurs to the Crabster...why should Scientology need to bring in the FBI? And why should they trust the results of the FBI's tests? I thought they didn't believe anything the government said.

Okay, let's get real. Nobody sent those envelopes to Scientology. Those envelopes were mailed to those churches by Scientology itself as part of their campaign to appear persecuted. That's why they called in the FBI - for the drama of it.

Fucking Scientologists and their fucking plans for world domination. I wish God would just come down and beat the shit out of them. Then I wish Buddha would come and kick them and fart on their heads and make them eat rabbit poo. Then I wish Odin and Apollo would take turns ass-raping them. And then Ra could take what was left of them and make a nice stew.

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Eva Mendes Walks In Lindsay's Footsteps - Which Lead Straight to Rehab

Actress Eva Mendes has checked herself into rehab, according to TMZ. Actually, Mendes apparently entered Utah's Cirque Lodge facility several weeks ago but everyone was too busy watching Britney die to notice.

Cirque Lodge, we recall, is the same rehab Lindsay Lohan stayed in for about three months. And now Lindsay is out drinking again. This can't be held against Cirque Lodge however - we all know Lindsay is beyond hope.

Lindsay also met Riley Giles in Cirque Lodge. I wonder if Eva is finding any love herself up there. Actually, no, I don't wonder...I couldn't care less what Eva does.

Eva's rep said of the rehab trip:

Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details.

Her issues aren't critical? Why did she shell out huge coin to enter Cirque Lodge then? Why not just, I don't know, stop drinking?

Do none of these twits have a jot of self-discipline or will-power? Guess not.

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