This Is News?

The New York Times has a huge expose claiming Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt forced People magazine to promise them good coverage in exchange for the privilege of publishing the first pictures of their twins Knox and Vivienne. Oh, and the mag had to cough up $14 million too. People denies the charges - about the promising good coverage thing, not the money. “Like any news organization, People does purchase photos, but the magazine does not determine editorial content based on the demands of outside parties," said a spokesperson. Yeah right, People people - pull the other one, eh? Everyone knows you fuckers all get in bed with stars. It doesn't really shock us. How else you gonna get access? It's the way the game is played. But don't play it that way then expect us to buy your little innocent act. We ain't naive. You people have no ethics. Neither do I, but at least I admit it.

Freak Show's In Town

These are the Real Housewives - not like those fake ones with their features all in proportion. Where's the two-headed goat at? Good Christ, I think Fellini took this picture.

Hat But No Stache?

Jessica Biel should stop waxing her lip. Then she could get on the hat-and-stache bandwagon. I know - Justin doesn't like the way it tickles. Sucks to be him. You can't let your bitch run your life like that. If you wanna go full Billy Dee Williams, then you should just do it. Don't be going all bearded on us though Jess. You may be half-Sasquatch but that doesn't mean you have to advertise.

Sex And The Flaming Queerbag

Dear Kim Cattrall: You know that whole thing where your boyfriend won't have sex with you? Well, it's not you. I mean, it's not you personally - it's just women in general. Pretty much anything with a vagina is not up his alley. The Botox is working out great for you by the way. You're sexier than Sarah Jessica Parker at least. Then again, so is pretty much everyone.

Pick A Bitch And Run With It

What do we think of Gerard Butler and Mary-Kate Olsen? Good couple? She's hanging off him like some kind of scraggly, pasty-white monkey. I'm guessing Gerard doesn't think of Mary-Kate as girlfriend material. She's good for a fuck and to score some drugs from. Just ask Heath. Er...yeah, you know what I mean.

Ashlee Simpson No Longer Pregnant

Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.

Phillippe May Have Knocked Up His Big-Boned Ho

Ryan Phillippe and his giant hulking Aussie girlfriend Abbie Cornish are rumored to be expecting a kid. Abbie would be the pregnant one in this case even though Phillippe is more womanish. The rumor got started in the usual way - someone saw the couple shopping for baby shit and jumped to a giant conclusion. Celeb couples never go out buying baby shit for other people you know. Phillippe already has kids by munchkin bitch Reese Witherspoon and probably some illegitimate ones floating around. He's such a horndog.