She Likes Them Older And Freakier

Evan Rachel Wood was seen making out with The Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke at a SAG Awards after-party Sunday according to FoxNews. Evidently, Evan's little relationship with Marilyn Manson left her with a jones for a real man. So she picked Mickey. Who I guess qualifies as a real man if you leave out his face, which is decidedly not real. I give Evan points for originality at least: Most little starlets go for the same dudes, Josh Hartnett and Ryan Phillippe and that whole gang, but Evan, she likes sniffing around the freak-jobs. When she's done with Mickey she'll probably go find herself a one-armed carnie or maybe go lesbo for Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Screamin' Midget

Reese Witherspoon got busted by paps while she was leaving a medical center and was not happy about it. So what was Reese in there for anyways? Did Jake give her something that required an examination? Or is it some lingering issue left from Ryan Phillippe? I'd guess the latter. Phillippe is much dirtier and diseased-looking than Jake. Of course Jake has had his weewee in some more interesting places - like Lance Armstrong's butthole. Whatever Reese has, it's obviously making her cranky.

Phill-ip Out

Ryan Phillippe and his big-boned Aussie woman Abbie Cornish were trying to navigate their drunken way home from some shindig the other night in Sydney when a whole bunch of paps gave up waiting for a kangaroo fight to break out and descended on them instead. This did not go over well with Ryan who immediately began yelling stuff like"We're tired and I'm drunk!" and also shouting expletives and trying to punch people in that pitiful way drunks have when they can't figure out which of the six people they see is the real one. The whole thing unfortunately ended with no charges being filed. The paps still got their pictures. Abbie apparently thought the whole thing was funny. Of course she's Australian, so she also thinks crushing beer cans against one's forehead is funny.

Phillippe May Have Knocked Up His Big-Boned Ho

Ryan Phillippe and his giant hulking Aussie girlfriend Abbie Cornish are rumored to be expecting a kid. Abbie would be the pregnant one in this case even though Phillippe is more womanish. The rumor got started in the usual way - someone saw the couple shopping for baby shit and jumped to a giant conclusion. Celeb couples never go out buying baby shit for other people you know. Phillippe already has kids by munchkin bitch Reese Witherspoon and probably some illegitimate ones floating around. He's such a horndog.

Uh-Oh

Jake Gyllenhaal will reportedly star opposite Aussie siren Abbie Cornish in a new science fiction movie set to drop in 2010. This would be just another casting byte if only Jake were not involved with Reese Witherspoon, who already had ex-husband Ryan Phillippe stolen from her by Cornish. The fates aren't honestly giving Cornish a second stab at ruining Reese's life are they? This is too wonderful. I hope Abbie totally seduces Jake, and Reese takes out a hit on her. I want to see a headline: Abbie Cornish reported missing. Reese Witherspoon questioned by the police. She denies everything. A decomposed body turns up. Reese flees. I already have a hard-on.

Who's the Fat Girl With Ryan Phillippe?

It's the homewrecker Abbie Cornish. She's like Nicole Kidman with flesh. Actually, she was pretty good in that junkie movie with Heath Ledger. Ryan? He was married to Reese Witherspoon, so he's used to being with women who are way more talented than him.

Man Has Officially Put Asunder Those Who God Joined Together

The Ryan Phillippe/Reese Witherspoon divorce is final. No one knows the details but both were actively pursuing custody of the kids. Each has been fucking someone else since they broke up...in Ryan's case, probably multiple some elses. He's a dog. Reese is a total prude who probably didn't let Jake Gyllenhaal hold her hand until their 10th date. She's given it up since then though...otherwise Jake would've gone back to Lance Armstrong.

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal About to Get Engaged?

Reese Witherspoon apparently didn't learn her lesson after the break-up of her marriage to Ryan Phillippe...because now the Hollywood midget is reportedly set to become engaged to Jake Gyllenhaal.

"They’ve been talking marriage for a while," a source told OK! Magazine. "They’ll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."

Sure. Just like Reese and Ryan wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

The marriage thing...it will never make sense to me. You want to fuck, you fuck. Why the hell does it require some big formal committment?

I've never met anyone I wanted to spend even two consecutive days with, much less the rest of my life. Fuck, the thought of having to wake up and see the same face day after day after day...the amazing thing isn't that so many marriages end in divorce, it's that so few end up in murder/suicides.

Creepy Obama Video

The cult of Obama has now claimed Jessica Alba and Ryan Phillippe. Yes, I'm definitely voting for Obama now - cause Alba and Phillippe support him.

I can't wait until a couple years from now when all the Obamaphiles realize that he's just a regular crook politician like everyone else. Their disappointment will taste like the sweetest nectar.

Phillippe Angry Over Witherspoon/Gyllenhaal Relationship

Ryan Phillippe is making a stink over estranged wife Reese Witherspoon's relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal. Apparently, Ryan is bent out of shape over Jake being in the presence of his and Reese's two kids Deacon and Ava - even going so far as to insinuate that Jake is gay, and that this somehow makes him a bad influence. Reese, however, only sees Jake when the kids aren't around - which pretty much blows up Phillippe's argument.

Of course we all know what's going on here - Ryan is insanely jealous of Jake, and probably has a homosexual fixation on him to boot. So Ryan drags out the "I don't want that fag around my kids" argument when what he really means is "I don't want that smoking hot man around the woman I am not yet officially divorced from." Poor Ryan just can't make up his mind if he wants Reese out of his life or not. On the one hand, being married did cramp his style; on the other hand, his entire career was pretty much based on his being Reese's husband. The problem for Ryan is that you can't ride the fence when it comes to love - you're either with Reese or you're not. Even now, Ryan is trying to have it both ways - he acts like he wants Reese back, but reports say he's still going around with Aussie Abbie Cornish, the chick he strayed from Reese over in the first place. So here's Ryan's dream scenario - Jake leaves, a distraught Reese takes him back, and he still gets to nail this Cornish babe on the side. God, what a shithead.

(source)

Ryan And Reese Back On?

Reese Witherspoon was supposed to have moved on from Ryan Phillippe to Jake Gyllenhaal - but now according to Page 6, Reese and Ryan may be on the verge of getting back together. A Page 6 spy has the estranged couple hanging out together a lot recently in L.A.:

They met for lunch this week at the Votre Sante health-food restaurant, a regular Brentwood haunt for Reese on San Vicente. And they're going on runs together around the Brentwood Country Club. Both are regular, dedicated runners. Running is a very healing, meditative thing, so maybe it will work its magic on them.

A friend of Reese's claims the couple is trying to reconcile, saying:

Reese and Ryan are trying to work it out. They are still close.

Phillippe's reps have denied that any of this is true, while Witherspoon's declined comment. Frankly, from Reese's point-of-view, it all seems rather unlikely. She's got Jake, so why would she be in any hurry to patch things up with Phillippe? It was Ryan, we remember, who messed around on Reese with that Aussie vixen Abbie Cornish, prompting Reese to begin divorce proceedings. She's the one with the Oscar and the great career and the hot boyfriend - so any positive attention she might be showing Ryan at this point would just have to be for the sake of the kids, or maybe out of pity. From Ryan's side of the ledger, of course, it all makes perfect sense. Reese was clearly the best thing that ever happened to this loser - before she came along he was just some pretty-boy; after, he was half of a genuine Hollywood power couple (though to be honest, he was always more like 10% of the couple - but that's still better than what he was before). Of course, being in Reese's shadow must've bruised his manhood a bit, but still, isn't it worth being brought down a peg to know you've got access to Reese's contacts? Without Reese's clout behind his career, Ryan will soon end up playing Steven Seagal's sidekick on a USA Network Original Movie - so yes, he wants back in with Reese. I'm just having a hard time thinking of one good reason why Reese should take him back.

(source)

Two Sides Of Ryan: The Sweet And The Not-So-Sweet

THE SWEET: Ryan Phillippe and his son Deacon have a day together on the set of daddy's movie. See, Ryan could've dumped his kid off at a subsidized daycare like someone we know, but he'd rather spend time with him. Plus, the more time he hangs out with Deacon, the more he'll be able to turn the boy against that troll Reese. It's all part of the plan.

THE NOT-SO-SWEET: Ryan Phillippe made a completely dirtbaggy spectacle of himself last Thursday night at the Chateau Marmont. Phillippe, who was briefly linked to would-be singer Ashlee Simpson, was at the hotel's bar drinking with his buddy Joseph Gordon-Levitt when he reportedly began drunkenly shouting things at some young women congregated nearby. "Hey, you're hot! Get over here," Ryan allegedly yelled at the girls - apparently not impressing them, given that they ignored him completely. Ryan and Joseph, bored with the inattentive ladies at the Marmont, soon left for Teddy's according to spies.

Aw, Ryan - losing your touch already? Couldn't even get a bunch of skanks at a bar to come over? That's okay - Crabbie still wants you. And you can yell as much obscene shit at me as you please. Yelling obscene shit is foreplay as far as Crabbie's concerned. Gets me harder than a rock. Mmm, call me that again Ryan. Yeah, warm that shit up...

(source)

Ryan Phillippe May Have Hosed Ashlee Simpson

Not long ago Crabbie praised Ryan Phillippe for his taste and self-restraint in not giving in to the negligible charms of Ashlee Simpson after being approached by the pitiful plastic-faced whore at a nightclub. Well, it looks like the Crabster may have spoken too soon - it appears now that Phillippe may actually have succumbed to the allure of Ms. Simpson one night at Les Deux. A source tells Australia's New Weekly magazine the following:

When Ryan and his friends arrived they were shown to the only table with any space left — where Ashlee and her friends were sitting. ... He couldn't keep his eyes off her in her very figure hugging little black dress. They seemed very into each other. Ashlee was really excited. You could tell she had a huge crush on him.

The source then goes on to describe what happened after the pair returned from a private room they had disappeared into:

They were up there for over an hour and came back looking dishevelled. We knew something went on. ... They took separate cars and met at her place. He spent the night! Ashlee is keeping quiet and just said how hot he was. They really hit it off. I think they will hook up again.

Well, there goes any respect Crabbie had for Ryan Phillippe. I mean, Ashlee Simpson? He can't really be attracted to her, can he? What the hell does that chick have to be attracted to? Her amputated shnoz? Her non-existent personality? Come on Ryan. You're a hot piece of Hollywood man-meat. You can have anyone (except Reese Witherspoon). Throw a rock in the air and it'll hit a chick hotter than Ashlee Simpson. Wow, Phillippe has no taste at all. I mean, the only way I could see any man being interested in Ashlee's snatch would be if you pulled her arm and quarters came spilling out of it. Other than that...

(source)

Ryan Phillippe Is Not Interested In Flithead Starlets

Ryan Phillippe is not only hot, he is also a man of discerning tastes. A man not given to jump on any piece of tail that flashes itself in front of him. Why, in just the past few days, Phillippe has rebuffed not one but two well-known young tramps - Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay Lohan.

Now, a lot of men, I'm sure, would be happy to have one or both of those tarts chasing him around - for the good old ego-boost at any rate. But, obviously, Ryan does not consider these women such great catches. At Les Deux the other night, Simpson, she of the ever-shifting bone-structure, tried hitting on Phillippe - and was responded to with a yawn (she ended up leaving with Chad Hugo from the band The Neptunes, but her rep insists they're only musical collaborators). And as for Lohan - it seems Lindsay has been showering Phillippe with phone messages lately, trying desperately to get his attention. But, according to Mike Walker of the Enquirer, Phillippe has not answered any of Lindsay's calls, and told a friend that the recently-rehabbed starlet was not his type.

Hear that Ashlee and Lindsay - Ryan Phillippe doesn't want you. He doesn't look at your rapidly-aging, pitiful, desperate selves and get all hot-and-bothered like every slobbering ape on earth. He has standards higher than Brandon Davis's. But not a lot higher - he was married to Reese "the Mad Munchkin" Witherspoon, after all.

Reese And Ryan Back Together (Sorta)

Estranged couple Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe get back together - to attend a school play starring one of their kids. All right, so they're not reunited. And I'm sure there are some of you who are bummed about that. I, however, could not be more thrilled that the two remain separated. Ryan is, quite simply, way too good for that little Keebler elf Witherspoon. And I don't care if she won an Oscar while he remains basically a third-rate actor. Oscar, Schmoscar. They give those things out like candy. Marisa Tomei has one for God's sake. It's irrelevant that Reese is far more successful. What matters is that Ryan is the hotness, while Reese looks like the one pissed-off Munchkin who was in league with the Wicked Witch.

Crabbie Predicts: Relationship Edition

Almost Over: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's marriage is said to be "hanging on by a thread" after underwear model Amanda Wyatt's claims that she had sex with Urban while he and Kidman were engaged.

Prediction: Urban is back on the sauce again within two months (if he isn't already). Kidman gives Keith another chance just to show that she's human, then Keith gets caught screwing around with an exceptionally hot hat-check girl and an angry Nicole slaps a Steve Irwin mask on his face and pushes him into a pool filled with angry stingrays.

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Over: Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have not been seen together since late October, and Kate no longer refers to Owen as her boyfriend.

Prediction: Kate has no trouble getting over Owen, makes two or three more crap movies no one sees, finally cuts her poor kid's hair and winds up married to a hot-looking cameraman. Meanwhile, Owen at last fulfills his destiny by leaping into a sweaty monkey-pile with Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong.

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Over But One Half Won't Admit It: Ryan Phillippe is reportedly desperate to get Reese Witherspoon back, and has been calling the actress and telling her how much he loves her. Reese, meanwhile, has allegedly been getting cozy with Jake Gyllenhaal on the set of their new movie.

Prediction: Ryan Phillippe is arrested for stalking Reese Witherspoon. And Reese experiences crushing disappointment when she learns Jake Gyllenhaal would rather be in a sweaty monkey-pile with Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong and perhaps Owen Wilson than with her.

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Over But One Half Really Can't Let It Go: Kid Rock is having a hard time getting over Pamela Anderson. Over New Year's, an insanely jealous Kid broke into a hotel room meaning to beat up Tommy Lee, who has reportedly been hooking up with Pam again (videotape to come). The only problem? It wasn't Tommy's hotel room.

Prediction: Kid Rock finally realizes that Pamela isn't worth it, renounces his boozing, brawling lifestyle and becomes a Buddhist monk. Pamela and Tommy Lee have another torrid fling in the meantime, but it comes to an abrupt end when Pamela stands too close to a radiator and melts into a bubbling pink puddle (which doesn't stop Tommy from trying to fuck her one last time).

Update: The Chick Who Broke Up Reese and Ryan

It's official - Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon broke up because Ryan was screwing around.

And by "it's official" I mean "it's being reported by Page 6." So maybe "official" isn't the right word.

At any rate, it appears that Ryan and Reese are splitsville because Ryan couldn't keep his dick in his pants. And which tart was hot enough to jar Ryan away from his little Reesie-poo?

This bitch:


Abbie Cornish, a 24-year-old Australian actress, whom Phillippe met and got cozy with on the set of the movie Stop Loss. Cornish, it must be pointed out, is both 6 years younger than Reese and has one less Oscar - both qualities a man like Ryan might find appealing. Insecure dirty dog that he is.

By the way, according to The National Enquirer (another unimpeachable source like Page 6), the point-of-no-return for Ryan and Reese was reached two weeks ago when, after the premiere of Ryan's new movie Flags of Our Fathers, Reese discovered "incriminating e-mails" on Ryan's Blackberry.

Let Crabbie bestow a little wisdom here kids - when a man leaves e-mails from his lover on his Blackberry, and leaves said Blackberry lying around for his wife to pick up, then that man wants to get caught. Cause he's tired of the whole thing and is just looking for some way to end it. And doesn't have the balls to just confront his wife directly because, well, his balls are currently being kept in a little metal box in the corner of his wife's underwear drawer.

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This just in to Crabbie's Hollywood: Abbie Cornish's people are denying she had anything to do with breaking Reese and Ryan up, insisting their client and Ryan are "co-stars and that is it." Stupid of them to refute the claims given the great publicity opportunity that's been dropped in their lap. But I guess they don't want to help Abbie become famous.

Breaking News: Ryan Phillippe is Free

Super-hot Crash star Ryan Phillippe and his little bridge-troll wife Reese Witherspoon have separated after seven years of marriage.

An official statement from the couple's rep: "We are saddened to announce that Reese and Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time."

Respect their privacy and the safety of their children? What, are they worried somebody might take advantage of the situation to attempt a kidnapping?

I think I see a pattern emerging with these celebrity marriages that break up. It happened earlier this year with Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe too. These hot young couples seem so happy together, but underneath there's all this simmering resentment, because the woman is far more accomplished than the man. I mean, Hilary wins two Oscars, and what does Chad Lowe do? Win Employee of the Month at Costco? And then at the ceremony, Hilary doesn't even bother to remember the poor schlub.

It wouldn't surprise me to find out that what finally broke Ryan and Reese up was that Oscar Reese won. I mean, sure, Ryan's movie won Best Picture, but that was an ensemble piece, and Ryan wasn't even nominated for an acting award. Reese, meanwhile, is garnering individual accolades like there's no tomorrow. That's a lot for a man to stand, especially one as obviously loaded with testosterone as Ryan. Having to sit there smiling pleasantly while your woman beats your ass at the thing you both do. The male ego is a pretty fragile thing, you know.