Reunion

Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan got together Sunday night and reminisced about all the great times they had together back in the old days before their brains got too destroyed to form any new memories. Yes parents, you too can push your child into show-biz. And look what they may turn out to be! Exactly the no-good drunken pieces of waste they would've been anyway, but with more expensive clothes to puke on!

I'm 40, Look At My Ass

Jennifer Lopez wants us all to know that, even though she's 40, she still possesses the ass that made her famous. "Get a picture of that muchachos. That fucker's worth millions." Fame is meaningless.

This Is Courtney Looking "Better"

Courtney Love was apparently near death after getting on that Allegra Versace diet, but now she's reportedly gone back to eating the minimum required to sustain life, and is said to be looking "better." And this picture is the proof of her improvement.

The mortician did a hell of a job.

Family Night Out

Fashion innovator Rumer Willis took some crumpled old aluminum foil from under the stove burners and fashioned a dress out of it. Then she dyed her hair with carrot juice and went out with mommy and step-daddy to get their picture taken. Rumer likes getting her picture taken, even though she is a butt-ugly freak. I guess she figures if she gets her picture taken 1,000,000 times, she's got to look good in one of the fuckers.

More Celebrity Spawn Meth Drama

Cameron Douglas, son of fossilized Oscar-winner Michael Douglas, was busted in New York for selling meth. This was only Douglas's second drug arrest in three years, leaving him well behind Redmond O'Neal as the most fucked-up, pathetic, no-future-having waste-of-oxygen druggie celebrity spawn on earth.

Kate Gosselin's Competition For Mom Of The Year

The woman seen dragging her kid by a leash through a Verizon store in this video was arrested and charged with criminal cruelty to a child. Did I mention that the woman is from Alabama? Doesn't matter. The important thing is that this woman is a genius. I am calling for her to be released from jail now. I'm serious about this. Either the authorities let this woman out or I'll go on a hunger strike. I may even set myself on fire like those Buddhist monks during Vietnam.

This woman is my Mandela. My Gandhi. My Martha Stewart.

Big Mistake

Lindsay Lohan walked in there with just that bottle of "water," and walked out with three bags. "Oh, these are mine. I left them here another time. Did you just make eye-contact with me. That's out of line bitch." She even stole the sunglasses. She needs some Klepto Pepto.