Oprah sits down with Tom Cruise.
They discuss the infamous sofa-jump. Tom says it was "a moment." He says he wouldn't do it again. Actually, yes you would Tom...you can't help yourself. You have to overdo everything.
By the way, Tom's make-up...did a mortician do it for him?
Something else...doesn't Tom seem like he's trying awfully hard to speak softly? His publicity people worked the whole thing out with him. "Be soft-spoken. Normal. Understated." But even his understatement is overstated.
Then Oprah starts getting all Oprah..."You've been in love before Tom." Yes, he has...with many people. Most of them had penises. Katie may have one too by now. Never know with those wacky Scientologists.
Tom says he can't articulate how he feels about Katie. Of course you can't Tom...cause if you truly articulated how you felt, you'd have to admit that you don't give a shit about her except as far as she supposedly helps your image.
Actually, I take that back...Tom does love Katie. Much more than he loved any of the other girls he tried out for the part.
Tom next whips out a big word, "confluence." He says it twice to make sure we heard it.
Then Oprah starts in on the juicy stuff. Brooke Shields. Tom says they're even closer friends now that he's apologized for calling her an irresponsible prescription medication junkie. Bullshit. She hates you.
Tom then addresses his Matt Lauer interview. He says he felt "pressed" by Lauer. Jesus Tom...you're Tom Cruise, and you can't handle a little heat from a lightweight like Matt Lauer without cracking? Better not do any interviews with Gulianna from E! or Mary Hart...you'd completely crumble.
Tom then concedes that the parents have to choose if they drug their kids. Thank you Tom for allowing the parents of America's youth to have a say in the raising of their own children. Big of you.
He continues insisting that all his comments about Brooke and drugs and shrinks "came out wrong." What does that mean Tom? Does it mean you don't think psychiatry is an evil conspiracy? Cause that would put you at odds with Scientology doctrine, would it not?
Tom goes completely off-the-rails then by saying he isn't trying to tell anyone else how they should live their life. Bullshit. Scientology is all about telling people how to live their life. Scientology explicitly says, "We know better than you." Sure, Scientology lacks the power to make everyone bend to its will...but what if it did have the power? Would Scientology and its believers simply back off and say, "We could make everyone think as we do, but we won't because it would be wrong." I have a hard time believing that.
Tom is being diplomatic because he has no choice. Quite a different tone than the one he adopted while preaching to the choir in the infamous Scientology videos. That's his defense of course...I was talking to other Scientologists so I spoke differently. But how you speak to other Scientologists is the important thing Tom. That internal conversation...that reveals the truth of what you all think. And you are not open-minded and democratic in those videos. You are a raging fanatic who thinks he has all the answers, not just for himself but everyone else.
Tom says he's not a preacher of Scientology. He says the best way for people to learn about Scientology is to read about it themselves. Okay Tom...only one problem. There's lots of stuff you're not allowed to know until you've forked over the big cash to become an Operating Thetan or a 9th Class Wizard or whatever the fuck. This is how Scientology is different from other religions. If I want to know the story of Genesis, I go get myself a Bible and read it. If I want to know the full story about Xenu and the origins of Scientology, technically, I'm not supposed to be able to know until I've achieved a privileged position. Imagine going into a church and saying, "I want to know how God created the world," and having the minister tell you, "No problem, just fork over $100,000 and I'll give you the story." That's not a religion...it's a form of extortion.
Tom then says he believes in God. Wait a second...what the fuck? So God created Xenu too? I'm lost. I thought there was only one truth.
Oh, Tom's fudging. He's like a politician who says he goes to church because he wants the asshole redneck Jesus-freak vote.
Oprah then asks about the crazy-Tom tapes. They were taken out of context of course. The tension is starting to get thick, so Oprah says she has to pee. This is why Oprah is a genius.
(Commercials. I did not make these clips. I would've cut the commercials out but I'm lazy. Deal with it.)
Back. Tom and Oprah discuss the tabloids, the paps, the blogs. Tom doesn't like them. He bought the sonogram machine so he could sneak the doctors in. Katie was worried her sonograms would wind up on the internet. Well duh...
Tom talks about the rumors that Suri isn't his kid. He becomes soft-spokenly indignant. He says he and Katie decided to present Suri to the world in Vanity Fair to quell the stories about Suri being deformed. Sure. You were never going to do it otherwise. The kid was never part of your image rehab. Whatever, Tom...
(More ads. Sorry again.)
Back. Oprah asks Tom how "Kate" is handling everything. Tom has brainwashed Oprah into calling her Kate. Oprah may now be a Scientologist.
Ooh...good move Tom, saying you's rather have "Kate" talk for herself. Cause you don't control her. Nice point of emphasis. It's all about making people believe you're not running her life. Cause that would not be normal and wholesome.
Tom goes off the rails here talking about Katie's family and their integrity and strength and how he loves them. Please Tom, you're making me gag. You all hate each other. We know it. Stop lying.
Speaking of lies...Tom says his relationship with Nicole Kidman is good. Ha! Tom denies that Nicole has been pushed out of their children's lives. Tom gives one of his "that's so ridiculous" laughs. So it's true then.
"Eventuated." Another big word. He only said it once though.
Oprah gets into some more Oprah questions. "Do you have any friends Tom?" Of course Tom has friends...he's rich and famous. Those people always have lots of friends.
Tom says he values "loyalty" above all other qualities. Really? So he basically views people as dogs. Nothing matters more to him than mindless loyalty. Interesting...
(Commercials. Oh, Oprah's gonna talk about Suri!)
Let me guess...she's the light of your life right Tom?
Magic. Of course she is. Struggling with that baby-genius stuff though. Not as smart as you thought she would be, eh Tom? Actually, she's quite retarded.
Everybody's always hanging out in Tom's life. That's what regular people do. They hang. Drink beer. Watch football. Have cook-outs. Take day-trips to Jupiter...
Katie and the cupcakes. Is that supposed to impress us? "Katie can make cupcakes." Great. I can take a big crap and fashion it into a replica of Mount Fuji.
Of course there's some promotion of Katie's budding design career. She made a Santa costume for Tom. She cut the mask out from the back of a box of Post Toasties.
Wait a second...Santa? Scientologists do Christmas? What the hell is that?
Yes, she's magic. Fuck!
Today's a new day...you're so philosophical Tom. Whip out another big word. Ass!
Oprah looks bored. I am too.
