Paltrow To Play Kidman's Wife

Gwyneth Paltrow is putting her quest to become the next Martha Stewart on hold long enough to portray the wife of post-op transsexual Nicole Kidman in Tomas Alfredson's The Danish Girl.

Yes, Nicole Kidman as a tranny (typecasting if I ever saw it) and Gwyneth Paltrow as his/her wife. Charlize Theron was originally going to play the wife, but she must've realized that playing anything opposite Kidman as a tranny had second-fiddle written all over it.

Paltrow, on the other hand, doesn't mind playing second-fiddle to Nicole Kidman. Or fourth-fiddle to Robert Downey, Mickey Rourke and Scarlett Johansson as she will be doing in Iron Man 2.

One thing's for sure: when Gwyneth shows up on the set, she will have a clean colon.

Fake-Faced Witch Sells Out Her Friends

Nicole Kidman testified before Congress that she agrees with the hysterical Hollywood-haters who think movies promote violence, particularly violence against women.

When asked by a Congressional drone whether she believes Hollywood's portrayal of females contributes to their plight, Kidman replied, "Probably," then added, "I can't be responsible for all of Hollywood, but I can certainly be responsible for my own career."

So, basically, Nicole Kidman sat in front of Congress and outed her friends and colleagues as a bunch of evil misogynists who are destroying our culture. Nicole's lucky she's only a woman, otherwise someone might've actually paid attention to what she was saying. And then her career would be toast.

Natural Beauty

Nicole Kidman gets more beautiful with each passing day. What is her secret I wonder?

Still Don't Believe It's Hers

Little Wednesday Daffodil is getting big. Soon she'll be ready for her first Botox treatment. And no I do not believe she was ever inside Nicole Kidman. She was inside some Mexican broad who is now down to the end of the fifty grand.

People Who Aren't Dead, Part 1

Nicole Kidman, unlike Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, is not dead. I think. Actually, with Nicole it's hard to tell. She does often look like she's been embalmed.

Portrait Of An Injected Lady

Nicole Kidman fixed that bizarre, frizzy witch-hair thing she had going, but alas, her face still looks fucked up. The shit in her lips appears to have migrated to her cheeks. She could play Dizzy Gillespie now and no one would think it was the least bit odd.

Nicole Kidman Also Can't Stand Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman makes a rule of not watching her own movies - putting her in tune with the vast majority - but she did make an exception for Australia, the epic Baz Luhrmann disaster she starred in with Hugh Jackman. Unfortunately, the experience only reminded Nicole why she normally avoids seeing herself on-screen. "I can't look at this movie and be proud of what I've done," Nicole explained. "I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?'" Keith would've answered but he was too busy sneaking a swig from the flask he had tucked away inside his suit-coat. Honestly, Nicole - if you hate your movies so much, why not just stop making them? You think anyone cares?

More Of This Shit

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fan Boys' Penises Every Time Megan Fox Sticks Her Tits Out tops my list of movies not to see in 2009. Won't matter of course - shit will still make a gazillion dollars and there will be a flood of publicity appearances by that tattooed slut and Shia LaBeouf who will hand out random bits of himself that fell off after his accident. Here's a suggestion...how about we go one year without any idiotic expensive Hollywood blockbusters being released? I'm still not over all the bullshit from this summer and it's only a few months until more starts coming. And don't even get me started on the Oscar hype. No, Benjamin Button is not that good. Speaking of that movie...was I the only one who was disappointed that they didn't stick a shrunken Brad Pitt head onto the baby at the end? What kind of fucking cheat was that, using a real baby. CGI that shit, man. And the stuff where they smoothed out all Cate Blanchett's wrinkles...it didn't make her look young, it made her look freaky - like Nicole Kidman without the plumper.

Among The Lifted?

Page 6 dropped this blind item today:

Which still-sexy actress, who has a daughter now getting ingenue roles, is facing reality? She finally had her first face-lift last week.

Let's hope Demi didn't go to the same person who did Nicole Kidman. Scary scary stuff.

Aussie Yuks

Can one properly play a didgeridoo when one is unable to manipulate one's lips? The host would rather play with Hugh's didgeridoo I bet.

Stop Kissing Up To The Hillbillies, Bitch

Nicole Kidman says she wants her daughter Friday Rhododendron to speak like a redneck when she grows up. "I hope she has a Southern accent," Kidman told the Nashville Tennesseean in an interview. And busted teeth and freaky eyes - so she can have her own Disney show. Keith needs to get working on his mullet. And I'd book the vaguely suggestive Vanity Fair photoshoot at least five years in advance. Wouldn't want Jamie Lynn Spears's kid beating you to the hillbilly jailbait finish line, would you?

Another Botox Casualty

Nicole Kidman at a New York screening of Australia. She has to hold her face to keep it from sliding right off. She probably tells everyone she has a headache. Which is silly because she obviously has no feeling left anywhere above her neck. The "tox" in Botox stands for "toxin," Nicole. As in toxic. As in poison. As in box-office poison - another thing you know all about.

They're Going Through With It Then

If there are pictures of Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman at the premiere of Australia then that must mean they're actually releasing the movie. Despite the fact that they were apparently still shooting it up until about five minutes ago, and it had to be cut way down because they were afraid of suicides. Seriously - I would rather sit through Ishtar five more times than see this movie once. I would rather have Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty do a comedy routine in my bedroom for six hours while high on meth. I would rather have Elaine May pummel me with her big saggy old lady tits. I would rather be gang-raped by ten rabid camels. I would rather have Charles Grodin lecture me about politics for five days then grease himself up and climb in my asshole and light a campfire and start singing "Waltzing Matilda." I really don't wanna see this movie. Have I made that clear?

Waxy Witch

What kind of magic shit did Nicole Kidman put in her hair to get that witchy frizziness out of it? Nicole's playing a tranny in a new movie with Charlize Theron. And she's got Australia coming out with Hugh Jackman, which is looking like a gigantic flop. Bigger than Far and Away. Bigger than The Invasion. Bigger than her marriage to Tom Cruise. Bigger than Tom's brief stab at heterosexuality.

Is She In Character Yet?

Nicole Kidman will reportedly play a tranny in a new movie co-starring Charlize Theron as her lover. This sounds like perfect casting to me. Except for the part about Charlize wanting to have sex with Nicole Kidman. Even Keith Urban doesn't want to have sex with Nicole Kidman. The only one who wants to have sex with Nicole Kidman is her plastic surgeon, and that's just out of gratitude.

At least Nicole has finally decided to be realistic about her choice of roles. Let's face it - "real woman" is something that's long been out of her range. And even tranny is stretching it - unless the tranny is half-human/half-wax-dummy.

Poor Baby

It's been three months since Nicole Kidman's surrogate gave birth and bitch is still emotional over the whole experience. "I cry even thinking of [baby Friday Geranium]," Kidman said. "But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to [give birth to a child]. To have been given it so late in life – I'm so ready for it." God - imagine being a little baby and having this thing with big freaky pulled-taut lips blubbering over you constantly. Thank goodness the kid will have daddy's booze to get into when it gets older, otherwise I don't know how it would survive.

Papoose

Nicole Kidman totes little Tuesday Tulip around in a papoose. I don't care about fake-face or her vag-monkey - I just like the word "papoose." It's one of those words that sounds like something dirty but isn't. Nicole probably paid $1000 for her papoose. Somewhere there are native folk weaving them out of grass and theirs' will probably go longer without breaking.

Most Worthless

Nicole Kidman has been named the most overpaid Hollywood star by Forbes magazine. The rag says Kidman's films made only $1 for every dollar the actress was paid, with her disastrous horror movie The Invasion actually losing $2.68 for every dollar of the $17 million she was given to appear. The eternally pregnant Jennifer Garner finished second on the list, with an average of $3.60 made for every dollar she was compensated. Tom Cruise finished 3rd, largely thanks to the bomb Lions for Lambs. The remainder of the top 10:

4. Cameron Diaz
5. Jennifer Lopez
6. Jim Carrey
7. Nicolas Cage
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Will Ferrell
10. Cate Blanchett

Kidman Ripped

Former Bond girl Britt Ekland has ripped into Nicole Kidman for ruining her face. "It's fatal when actresses use Botox," Ekland said. "I remember seeing Cold Mountain, and it really looked to me like Nicole Kidman had been using it. Her face was neither sad nor glad - nor anything, she was just like a painted doll. I thought: 'Why would she do that?'" I don't know Britt. Tremendous vanity? A delusional belief that one can stave off the effects of aging? Some weird self-destructive impulse? Too much money? Not very smart? Frankly, I'm more disturbed by her hair. That wiry mess is real?

I Never Drink...Wine

Ho ho ho...Nicole Kidman looks like a vampire. Gosh I'm funny today.