Winning The Bullshit War

Katie Holmes kicked and fought and screamed and finally got Tom to give in...on letting Suri go to Catholic pre-school.

"[Katie] is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic," says a source.

Katie was apparently encouraged in her rebellion by her Catholic parents, who think Tom Cruise is an idiot for believing in a crazy space God. They want to ensure that their granddaughter is only indoctrinated into sane stuff like ritually eating a wafer that represents a dead carpenter's flesh.

Good for Katie anyway. It's about time someone stood up to that sawed-off megalomaniac.

Walkin' Fool

Katie finally figured out that Suri has feet and can use them to walk. Aren't they adorably matchy? I wonder if Katie ever just starts stuffing those giant bags with items and walks out without paying. You know, the thrill of breaking the law. She needs some fun somehow.

Suri's Day Off

Tom and Katie finally gave Suri a day off from distracting everyone from how insane they are, and made Connor go out with them for the daily photo op. "Let them haul the dark one around for a change," Suri growled. "I want to stay in and play with my fucking dollies for once. It's not like it's doing you two assholes any good. Everyone still thinks you're fucking nuts. And I'm fucking adorable and everyone loves me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it midget boy."

Free-Range Cruises

Katie's in Australia filming some kind of movie I guess. Well, I'll give her credit - she's not surrendering, even though her film career is just about in Lindsay Lohan territory. Here we see Katie enjoying a frolic with Suri. Don't they look happy? Like a couple of little fleeing prisoners enjoying their first taste of freedom.

On Paris Jackson...

A thought from the Crabster: You can say anything you want about Michael Jackson, but one thing he never did was exploit his kids for publicity. You saw pictures of them out and about of course, but never in that creepy way that you see, for instance, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise. It might've been in Jackson's mind, at one point, that he could help his image - quell those homosexual rumors, for example - by having a brood; never mind that they weren't really his kids - that was something he never intended us to know (hence the pay-offs to people like Debbie Rowe). But clearly, at some point, Jackson's own experiences with childhood stardom must've inspired him to change his mind, and shelter the kids as much as possible from the cold, glaring eye of the media.

That being the case...I wonder what Michael would think of what happened today at Staples Center. His daughter Paris, whose privacy he sought to guard as well as he could, being shoved in front of millions of people, exposed to that horrible scrutiny he knew so well. I'm guessing he wouldn't have been happy. Even though the phony little drama was obviously performed on behalf of him and his tainted image. Seems to me that, even in death, he keeps getting fucked over by his own family. I'm not sure those kids are any better off now than they would've been with him.

Get Used To It Kid

Photogs have been falling all over themselves trying to get a decent picture of Madonna's new adopted daughter Mercy. Here it finally is. The kid looks mildly upset but not on the verge of a psychotic episode like Suri or Pax.

Mercy will have many new experiences like this in the days and weeks to come. By now I'm sure she's already been introduced to Western food, which is nothing like the food in Malawi in that it actually exists. And Western water, which lacks that extra just-shit-into taste. And Western mosquitoes, which only take little bites, rather than tearing off your entire arm.

Oh, and of course she's gotten to hang out with David and Lourdes. The first thing she did was grab one of Lourdes' eyebrows, to see if it was real. Abe Vigoda gets that all the time too.

The Vag What Spawned Him

Katie was too busy hauling Suri around New York for publicity purposes, so Tom had to take his mom to the Golden Globes. I wonder how she feels about her son being a homosexual Jim Jones wannabe who exploits his child in a way that would make even Patsy Ramsey blush (if she weren't dead). Eh, she's probably too full of sedatives to even notice.

Suri Bunny

I feel sorry for that poor innocent bunny, being dragged in front of the paps just so Suri can soften her image. That's rank exploitation! Someone call stuffed bunny protective services! Fucking Scientologists.

Wow...She Can Eat

Witness the amazing eating child. Watch as its joyless keeper feeds it a square piece of cardboard masquerading as a treat. Jeez, I wonder what other tricks she does. Breathing? Pooping? Blinking her eyes? Talented child there.

Crazy Mama

"Sorry my mom can't talk right now. She's gone down inside her special private place in her mind where there's no more pain and the voices become merely whispers. Do you like my sippy-cup? I fashioned it myself from the bones of my enemies. It's a bad idea to fuck with me."

The Bit That Never Ends

There will apparently never be any end to the pictures of Katie Holmes toting Suri around New York. Is Katie still in that play or is this what she does all day? I like Suri's shoes...if she taps them together three times and says "There's no place like home" will she end up back in Katie's womb or in the Andromeda Galaxy somewhere?

Dawn Of The Katies

Katie Holmes now resembles some sad, eccentric old rich person who can barely get from the door to the car without assistance and needs someone to chew her food for her and spit it into her mouth so she won't die. Think she's still happy she married Tom? Uh...no. It ruined her career, her life and apparently her health. And the worst mistake she ever made was having Suri cause now he's got that to hold over her forever. "If you leave me you will never see your child again." Tom's such a drama-queen. He also knows exactly what he's doing. He used this bitch like toilet paper.

Suri's New Babysitter

This is really awesome...Tom and Katie have hired Bea Arthur to babysit Suri! Bea's looking great, isn't she? I love the wig. And Suri seems to really like her. This is the coolest thing Tom and Katie have ever done. Way to go guys!

My Clone, My Controller

Suri has begun wearing the giant glasses. Soon she will have absorbed all of Katie's traits, and then she will be Katie. But who will Katie be? Answer: All of us.

Just Like Daddy

Tom Cruise told Entertainment Tonight that Suri absolutely refuses to wear pants. "Kate finally got her in jeans the other day," Tom said. "We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." She wants to make herself pretty so she can find a man and get the fuck out away from you, Tom. Hello? Earth to Xenu-boy!

Outrage

You mean to tell me Suri has to carry her own ladybug umbrella? What the fuck is the matter with her parents? She's a celeb kid! Hire her another little kid to hold her ladybug umbrella for her. Or a midget if no kids are available. And Tom Cruise wonders why people hate him.

Creepy Doll Child

Tom and Katie wanted Suri to seem even more like a creepy doll child so they got her hair cut with cute little bangs. Aw, that's so...disturbing.

Caving?

A couple weeks ago I reported a rumor that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were having a minor spat over Katie's desire to live in New York against Tom's wishes. Well guess what? Page 6 reports today that Tom has been buying up apartment space...in New York. "Tom and Katie now keep five units in [a building south of 14th Street]," a source said. "They turned one into [2-year-old daughter] Suri's playroom. One they use for a gym, and two apartments are for staff." Looks like we all may have underestimated Katie. Must be the Posh influence rubbing off.

Sad Little Freak

Prop-child Suri Cruise is having a rough go of it. According to people in the know, the little Scientologist spends too much time being dragged around by her parents and isn't getting enough interaction with other kids. "Whenever she sees kids, she gets excited and runs up to them and hugs them as if she never gets to see kids her own age," a source told Page 6. "There's not a lot of socialization there." Well, I imagine the other kids are intimidated by her. I mean she is flawless. And what kind of activities is little Suri supposed to engage in with those kids? "Hi new friends. Wanna help me solve String Theory? I've discovered three new super-symmetries." Eating mud isn't all that appealing to someone who can already build her own working space ship out of Legos.

Not Diggin' It

Suri's obviously had it with the paps and the flashing bulbs and the craziness. It's too bad for her because Tom is never going to stop rolling her out. It's her job to make him seem more likable and human. That's why the scientists created her.