How The Homeless Are Amusing Themselves These Days

Phoenix police questioned and released a homeless man Tuesday after he went sort of goofy in the head and smeared feces all over the interior of a local lightrail train, forcing the train to be taken out of service for cleaning. "It is a biohazard, and we have protocol for how we handle a situation like this," said an official.

Keanu Reeves continues his long, slow spiral into madness. Sad.

What Did He Win, Creepiest Dude Not Named Rahm Emanuel?

The people chose Christian Bale as their favorite actor. This dude is on a one way train to Keanu Reeves-ville if you ask me. He can't even be troubled to match the color of his head- and facial-hair at this point. Soon he will be wandering around shoeless offering people oral sex in exchange for rice cakes.

Keanu Doesn't Like Stuff

Keanu Reeves is some kind of Luddite. The actor says he doesn't have a computer, has no interest in the internet and still writes all his letters on a typewriter. "I prefer a typewriter," Reeeves explains. "I enjoy the sensation of sitting down and taking time to think about what I want to say." Evidently, sitting in front of a computer to type immediately cripples ones capacity to cogitate. Must be all those rays coming out of the monitor or the little microscopic bugs jumping up from the keyboard into our brains. Thankfully, we have Keanu to do all the heavy intellectual lifting for us with his typewriter and his pipe and his Victrola playing Rachmaninoff in the background. Yup. That's just what it's like.

Scummy But Honest

Keanu Reeves has been found not liable for injuries sustained by a paparazzo he ran over with his Porsche in 2007. The most interesting thing to come out of this case, which captivated TMZ's editors and few others for the last week, was an admission by the pap, Alison Silva, that he and other professional snappers have no regard for safety - either theirs or anyone else's. "All the paparazzos are breaking the law, including trespassing, running lights, speeding down the opposite side of the street," Silva admitted in a videotaped interview with a private investigator. "We all know we are breaking the law, but it is worth the risk. Safety is not an issue with most of us." Yeah, I'm pretty sure the whole Princess Di thing already confirmed that for most of us Alison. But thanks for the honesty anyways. Now go get us some more pictures of Jessica Biel walking her dog. Never get sick of those.

Woah

Seldom does one see a picture of Keanu Reeves where he doesn't look at least half out of it. I don't know if he's stoned or suffering from some kind of neurological disorder or what it is...I just know that, from appearances, he seems incapable of entirely getting his shit together. Maybe it's even pleasurable to go through life sort of goofy and semi-deranged like that. Not shaving ever, not combing your hair, not knowing the meaning of the word "laundry." Hopefully he at least sprays himself with Right Guard now and then.

Keanu Reeves is Very White

Water does not often touch Keanu Reeves...so imagine our delight at discovering these pictures of the Sweet November star actually wading in the ocean. I don't know who the woman is, but it's likely Keanu only met her a few minutes before the picture was taken. Keanu works fast.

Keanu Reeves Doesn't Want to Talk to the Paps

Keanu Reeves is a man of few words...which is the best kind of man.

Keanu Reeves Subjects Diners To His Clammy, Disgusting Feet

Keanu Reeves gave diners at a restaurant in Vancouver an extra special treat recently - a whiff of his disgusting bare feet.

Mike Walker writes in the National Enquirer:

Dining solo at a ritzy Vancouver restaurant, sleepy-eyed Keanu Reeves - slurping down oysters on the half shell with red wine - looked more homeless than hunky when he suddenly kicked off his scuffed shoes, pulled off his holey socks - then stretched and flexed his hairy toes as horrified diners gagged! After a few phee-eww moments, a man sitting nearby jumped up and said: “I don’t care who you are - this is totally unacceptable behavior. I’ve paid a lot of money to eat here, and my wife and I don’t want to look at your bare feet!” Keanu apologized, saying he had cramps in his toes and needed to stretch them. “If you don’t put your shoes back on, I’ll call the manager,” snapped the guy. Keanu nodded, slipping on his stuff as he motioned for the check.

Personally, I'm shocked Keanu even had shoes and socks to take off. Cause normally he looks like some guy who got dumped naked off the back of a truck someplace and has no idea where he is. He probably steals his duds off people's clotheslines. The shoes were probably setting on someone's porch cause they were all muddy and Keanu said, "Cool, foot-covering thingies," and made off with them. He also bathes and does his laundry by walking through car washes...just something I heard.

(source)

Keanu Reeves Still Gots It

"No, I'm not the unemployed older brother of the guy in the Matrix, I'm the guy in the fucking Matrix. Look you wanna fuck or what?"

Keanu Reeves Coming Out Of A Liquor Store

Thankfully, he doesn't appear to have just robbed it. Nice shoes by the way, Keanu.

Keanu At Work

Keanu Reeves filming his new movie The Night Watchman. Oh yeah - Keanu looks just like a night watchman. Please. He doesn't even have his uniform unbuttoned to let his massive gut hang out. And I looked close but couldn't see a single Krispy Kreme crumb anywhere on him. Realism, people - we need realism.

Keanu Has A New Girl

Keanu Reeves and his new woman have some chow at the Moscow restaurant in the Beverly Wilshire hotel. I'm pretty sure the Moscow has a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy, which means Keanu must have had to throw on some dirty old Keds. By the way, the girl is named Martha Higadera. Apparently she's some kind of Mexican actress. A legitimate one, not porn. Anyway, it's nice to see Keanu looking like he has his stuff more or less together. He's still pretty hot, even though, with each passing day, he comes closer to looking like a Baldwin.

Keanu Reeves is a Sad, Sad Man

Keanu Reeves is one of the hottest creatures on this planet. He also happens to be one of the most miserable, wretched human beings to ever be shat out of some bitch's baby-hole.

The latest example of unaccountable Keanu hang-doggery comes to us from sunny Miami. A witness at a party down there said they saw Keanu "wandering around alone and looking very sad" (which is how Crabbie used to look back in the days when he drank too much - in other words last week). The source then goes on to say that "nobody at the party seemed to care that he was there" (again, Crabbie's been there), and that eventually he "sat down at a dinner by himself and just sort of looked around. It was really bizarre."

Sounds like Keanu could use a hug (or perhaps a big greasy fist up his ass). Hey, I know, why don't we fix Keanu up? I would volunteer myself as Keanu's new companion, but I'm afraid he's not that interested in jumping old queens behind the bushes (which is as far as it would go; no way I'm bringing that slouchy, unshaven wreck back to my pad).

Hey, I've got it. Misery loves company, right? So how about this love-match?


The two most unhappy, screwed-up people in all show-biz. I can just see it now. Keanu drives over to Mischa's place on his moped, shoeless of course, and picks her up. They head to a bar where there's nothing but Elliot Smith playing and drink Grey Goose, and after a half-hour Mischa starts screaming about the monkeys and smashing glasses. Keanu shuffles her out the back and down to the beach where the waves crash against the old wooden pilings, and Mischa tears all her clothes off and says, "I'm Isadora Duncan," and spins around until she passes out. Then Keanu sits down on the sand next to Mischa's prostrate form, and stares at her face until he starts to cry. Then a seagull comes and shits on his head and he flies into a rage. He's so angry he forgets about Mischa, and gets on his moped and drives head-long into the front window of a Kinko's. But he's not hurt. And the next morning, Mischa wakes up on the beach to find that a drunk, smelly indigent named Burt has made her his wife. And she realizes it's the happiest day of her life.

Breaking News: Keanu Reeves Runs Red Light at LAX. Okay, "Breaking News" Might Be a Little Over-the-Top.

Reclusive movie star and super-hottie Keanu Reeves got himself pulled over at LAX today for running a red-light, so reports celebrity gossip site TMZ. The incident happened at around 3:00pm local time, and ended in Reeves being let off with a warning. My own sources tell me that Reeves has long had trouble remembering what the different color traffic lights mean. Oh, stop Crabbie - it isn't nice to pick on a man like that. Especially not one as delish as Keanu.

I remember one time when I was in one of my depressions, a bad one like I sometimes get because of this damned chemical imbalance (my mother smoked too many Luckies when she was pregnant with me). I was in such a terrible funk that all I wanted to do was lay around the house scooping ice cream down my throat and watching the tube (you know, like every other day), and suddenly in the midst of the darkness there came this vision: it was Keanu in that movie Sweet November, you know, the one with Charlize Theron as the kookie broad who used to be Sandy Dennis back in the old days. I tell you, watching Keanu in that movie just perked me right up. I thought to myself, "If Keanu Reeves can drag himself through a piece of horse crap like this, then I can surely roust myself out of bed and do something with my life." And I did. Of course the "something" wasn't much more than going into the kitchen to whip myself up a souffle, but hey, you know what they say - a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single dessert.