Zombie Bale

Christian Bale got bitten by a zombie and now, of course, he is a zombie. The only thing left is to shoot him in the head, or chop his head off with an axe, or impale his head with a spike, or give him his own reality show on MTV.

Why Bother, Christian

Christian Bale has done horrible things to his hair and body, so he can play a crackhead former boxer in a movie called Playing a Washed-Up Wrestler Got Mickey Rourke an Oscar Nomination, So Maybe Playing a Washed-Up Boxer Will Get Me One (or something like that). Some will call this dedication but I call it masochism. And by the way, Christian, just being willing to starve yourself and have someone fuck your hair up doesn't make you a great actor. If that was all it took, Lindsay Lohan would have six Oscars by now.

What Did He Win, Creepiest Dude Not Named Rahm Emanuel?

The people chose Christian Bale as their favorite actor. This dude is on a one way train to Keanu Reeves-ville if you ask me. He can't even be troubled to match the color of his head- and facial-hair at this point. Soon he will be wandering around shoeless offering people oral sex in exchange for rice cakes.

Stop Messing With Me

British tab The Sun took time off from documenting Lily Allen's every move to announce that Eddie Murphy has been chosen to play The Riddler in the highly-anticipated third installment of the Batman series. Director Christopher Nolan had originally wanted Johnny Depp for the part but was then hit in the head with a bowling ball and got the idea to cast Murphy. The same story says boring Oscar-winner Rachel Weisz will play Catwoman - not Cher as had been deliciously rumored. And for Robin? Of course...Shia LaBeouf. Won't be any vaguely homo-erotic energy between him and Christian Bale. Why not just go totally lametastic and cast Kevin Federline as the Penguin?

Blind Item Madness

I usually hate blind items because they're gutless and I always assume they're just made up anyway - but there was such a juicy one this morning on Page 6 that I had to reprint it. The item:

WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut.

I offer Christian Bale as a guess only because I could see him as an ass-rapist. I don't know why. Something about his face just screams "I'm capable of horrible anal assault." And we know he has anger issues.

How About Johnny as Batman?

The Dark Knight is a huge smash, so naturally everyone is talking about a third Batman film (in the second cycle). Casting rumors are running from Johnny Depp as The Riddler to Phillip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin to (the inevitable) Angelina Jolie as Catwoman. I personally like the idea of Johnny entering the Batman universe, but I've got a better role for him: Batman. Yes, I said it. Warners should dump Christian Bale and hire Johnny Depp to play Batman/Bruce Wayne. Bale is fine but he's too clammy and cold and distant...Batman needs some warmth and humor and jaunty charm. Depp would be wasted as The Riddler...fuck, Jim Carrey played The Riddler, so obviously that role requires no particular talent.

Of course people are also talking about bringing The Joker back for Batman 3, which is obviously problematic given the way Heath Ledger took possession of that character (and then, you know, died). I don't think Batman 3 needs The Joker though...Dark Knight laid out pretty much everything The Joker is about; there's really nowhere else to go with him, so just leave him behind. And as for Robin...Christian Bale has said he would quit the series if Robin were written into it, and I agree with him. Robin is possibly the dumbest character in all superherodom. The first Batman cycle was, let's face it, already screwed by the time Chris O'Donnell came on-board as the Boy Wonder...but Robin's absurd presence was certainly the last nail in the coffin (well, that and Arnold Schwarzenegger). I wouldn't be able to take any Batman movie seriously that had Robin in it. Or Batgirl. Maybe Catwoman, but only if the casting were right. Not Angelina - that bitch sucks the joy out of everything she touches. Oh, I know...the perfect Catwoman:

Amy Winehouse.

I'm a genius.

Okay I'll Give it Up...

Fugmunch almost looks cute here. Mom-puncher needs to look into some lifts though. Batman should not be shorter than Batman's would-be girlfriend who's fucking the handsome DA.

Bale in Barcelona

Christian Bale continues touring Europe in support of The Dark Knight, appearing here in Barcelona with his wife Sibi Blazic. What else can he do but put on a brave face and soldier forward? He shouldn't sweat it too much...he's just got a little more edge to his image now. Maybe Shia LaBeouf, who seems hell-bent on convincing people he's not a little pussy, should try popping off on his crazy family in public some time. You know, call his old man a "nigga" and such.

One Messed Up Bat-Family

Christian Bale got arrested by London cops yesterday after accusations he verbally abused his mom and sister at a hotel. He was later released without being charged. The statement from Bale's lawyer:

Christian Bale attended a London police station today, on a voluntary basis, in order to assist with an allegation that had been made against him to the police by his mother and sister. Mr. Bale who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale.

The Telegraph said Bale yelled at his mom and sister and shoved one of them. It characterized the situation as a "long-running" family dispute. Bale's mom Jenny and sister Sharon refused to give any more details about the affair. "It is an extremely sensitive situation," Sharon said. "There is nothing more I can say."

Apparently these two bitches are total crackheads who resent Christian for going off to Hollywood and never speaking to them. Well what the hell do they expect? He's a big star and they're just dirtbags. So what if they're family? Anyone who's ever watched Behind the Music or one of those shows knows that family members cause more problems than anything. So, if Sharon and Jenny are the total cracked-out witches they seem to be, then Christian is totally justified in telling them to shove off. That being said...he's still a creep.

Update: Bat-Creep

Christian Bale could be in trouble after his mother and sister leveled assault allegations against him in London. Bale's family members say the actor "lashed out" at them in the Dorchester Hotel Sunday night. London cops intend questioning Bale, but are waiting until the actor is done with his Dark Knight promotional duties.

"It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don't yet know is founded in truth," a police source told the Sun. "But Mr. Bale will be contacted at the earliest opportunity and be asked to provide an account of anything that happened."

I've always thought there was something off about Bale. He just gives off a creepy vibe. It's helped him in his film career, playing nuts like in American Psycho, but in real life that kind of thing is not helpful. It's no fun being around this guy, I'm guessing.

Update: Bale was arrested Tuesday by London police. He is currently in custody.

Dark Knight Hype

The Dark Knight is getting hyped to high-heaven. Will it break $150 million this weekend? Will Heath Ledger get a posthumous Oscar nomination? Will Maggie Gyllenhaal inspire a whole generation of young males to give homosexuality a try? We can only hope...

I may see it this weekend, if I can gird up my loins and endure all those teenage boys with their Red Bull buzzes and Axe body-spray reek. Or maybe I'll take advantage of the emptiness of the other theaters to see something I've missed so far like Wall E or Journey to the Center of the Earth. I definitely won't be seeing Mamma Mia! I couldn't imagine anything lamer than a musical with Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep. Hugh Jackman should be in that...all musicals should have Hugh Jackman in them. Hell, all movies should have Hugh Jackman in them (I realize that would tire him out, but I'm selfish and don't care).

Speaking of Hugh Jackman...the only Christopher Nolan movie I ever liked was The Prestige, with its gorgeous lighting and twisty, metaphysically puzzling plot. I was never a huge Memento guy...just running the story backward isn't that great a gimmick, and Guy Pearce has always struck me as shallow. And Batman Begins was just a big fat snore. Truthfully, the only reason anyone cares so much about Dark Knight is Ledger. It's morbid curiosity mostly. It's probably an earth-shattering performance anyway, but the fact that he died is naturally going to make it seem more profound. So it's kind of cheating.

I notice I didn't mention Christian Bale. That's because Christian Bale doesn't interest me and never has. He's good at playing psychos, but when human warmth is called for, better get someone else. I bet he has a chandelier made out of a Chinese girl's skeleton stashed away somewhere.

Dark Knight Premiere

The Dark Knight is being rolled out with all the usual ceremony. How nice of Maggie to lower herself and hang out with mere actors for a little while. We all know she prefers the company of other academics like herself (snigger). Aaron Eckhart needs to be tied up in my closet now! Bale? Too spooky and intense. Plus his teeth annoy me.