Keanu Reeves is one of the hottest creatures on this planet. He also happens to be one of the most miserable, wretched human beings to ever be shat out of some bitch's baby-hole.
The latest example of unaccountable Keanu hang-doggery comes to us from sunny Miami. A witness at a party down there said they saw Keanu "wandering around alone and looking very sad" (which is how Crabbie used to look back in the days when he drank too much - in other words last week). The source then goes on to say that "nobody at the party seemed to care that he was there" (again, Crabbie's been there), and that eventually he "sat down at a dinner by himself and just sort of looked around. It was really bizarre."
Sounds like Keanu could use a hug (or perhaps a big greasy fist up his ass). Hey, I know, why don't we fix Keanu up? I would volunteer myself as Keanu's new companion, but I'm afraid he's not that interested in jumping old queens behind the bushes (which is as far as it would go; no way I'm bringing that slouchy, unshaven wreck back to my pad).
Hey, I've got it. Misery loves company, right? So how about this love-match?
The two most unhappy, screwed-up people in all show-biz. I can just see it now. Keanu drives over to Mischa's place on his moped, shoeless of course, and picks her up. They head to a bar where there's nothing but Elliot Smith playing and drink Grey Goose, and after a half-hour Mischa starts screaming about the monkeys and smashing glasses. Keanu shuffles her out the back and down to the beach where the waves crash against the old wooden pilings, and Mischa tears all her clothes off and says, "I'm Isadora Duncan," and spins around until she passes out. Then Keanu sits down on the sand next to Mischa's prostrate form, and stares at her face until he starts to cry. Then a seagull comes and shits on his head and he flies into a rage. He's so angry he forgets about Mischa, and gets on his moped and drives head-long into the front window of a Kinko's. But he's not hurt. And the next morning, Mischa wakes up on the beach to find that a drunk, smelly indigent named Burt has made her his wife. And she realizes it's the happiest day of her life.
