The Hetero Edition: Mischa Barton's Ass Be Fine

Damn. That Mischa Barton be sportin' some tight assage. I wouldn't mind rootin' around in that with my hard manly phallus. Make Mischa do donkey sounds and shit. I don't care if that bitch be psycho. I straighten her out in two shakes, knowmsayin'?

Crabbie apologizes to anyone who may have been offended by this bit. Emphasis on the word "bit." As in joke. Granted, not a good joke, but still a joke. Okay? Joke. Bad one. I admit. Won't do it again.

More Art of Elysium Auction Pics

The Dolce & Gabbana/Penelope Cruz-hosted charity auction for The Art of Elysium turned into a showcase for sad-looking bitches. Seriously, they should've given out handfuls of Paxil and Zoloft at the door. Here's a sampling of the unhappiness:

Ashley Olsen radiates misery. I think this chick has been reading too much Sylvia Plath (The slime of all my yesterdays/rots in the hollow of my skull - uplifting shit, Sylvia).

Ooh, goody. It's Mischa Barton. She always peps everything up, with her fake smiles and beaten-puppy-eyes.

"You know, I'm tired of being on this TV show. I think I'll go out and pursue other opportunities."

Good move, hon.

It's the new-and-improved non-alcoholic Linsday Lohan. Looks a lot like the old alcoholic Lindsay if you ask me.

Gosh, I hope Al Gore didn't show up at the auction. If Lindsay gets any more obsessed with him, there's going to be a boiling rabbit situation.

If Jay-Z Marries This Bitch, Does That Make it Polygamy?

Beyonce Knowles knows how to shake her booty on-stage. But according to Beyonce, that's not actually her up there performing all those moves that drive men crazy.

So what, does Beyonce have some talent for astral projection? No. Actually, she's another in a long line of performers who insist that they actually become someone else when on-stage. And Beyonce even has a name for this alternate identity. Sasha.

"I become someone else when I'm on-stage," says the Sybil-like Dreamgirls star. "I call that stage persona 'Sasha.' "

Beyonce then goes on to explain that Sasha is nothing like Beyonce. "I wouldn't like Sasha if I met her off-stage. [She's] too aggressive, too strong, too sassy, too sexy! I'm not like her in real life at all. I'm not flirtatious and super-confident and fearless like her. What I feel on-stage I don't feel anywhere else. It's an out-of-body experience. I created my stage persona . . . so that when I go home, I don't have to think about what it is I do. Sasha isn't me. The people around me know who I really am."

It all sounds weird, but actually, Crabbie can relate to this. Cause he used to have an alternate persona as well. His name was Chad, and he was a beer-swilling heterosexual. Sometimes, when Crabbie was hating life, he would don his John Deere cap with the mesh panels and his soiled Hooters t-shirt and go to bars to pick up women. Chad was super-aggressive just like Sasha. In fact he was too aggressive. Which is why he ended up in the slammer in Cincinnati. Don't ask me how he got to Cincinnati, by the way. There was a hooker and a stolen taxi involved, but that's all I know.

Sienna Says Jude Sent Her to Therapy

We always knew Sienna Miller was a crazy bitch. We just didn't know exactly how crazy.

But we all know now, because Sienna has told us. In another case of a celeb holding forth way more than is necessary, Miller has admitted to visiting a therapist to help her deal with her break-up with Jude, but says she only made it through one session before becoming angry at her doctor and calling the woman "a cow."

How predictable is it that Sienna Miller would seek therapy, only to insult the therapist and be told to get lost? That's how poorly developed this bitch's social skills are. That even a trained professional, part of whose job it is to endure a certain amount of abuse, can't handle being in the same room with the dumb slag.

I've got a suggestion for you Sienna: Why don't you try stronger drugs? Instead of taking up the time of therapists who have more important things to do, like keep Mischa Barton from going over the edge.

I got in my daily Mischa slam, and I'm proud about that.

But back to Sienna. Bitch also says she's going to keep wearing the ring Jude gave her because it's beautiful and Jude is still very close to her. And there are also reports that she's looking around in New York for a new place. Oh Jesus, Sienna. Please just stay in London. The last thing we need is another fucking snob dipshit over here telling us how uncultured we are. That's Gwyneth Paltrow's job.

Keanu Reeves is a Sad, Sad Man

Keanu Reeves is one of the hottest creatures on this planet. He also happens to be one of the most miserable, wretched human beings to ever be shat out of some bitch's baby-hole.

The latest example of unaccountable Keanu hang-doggery comes to us from sunny Miami. A witness at a party down there said they saw Keanu "wandering around alone and looking very sad" (which is how Crabbie used to look back in the days when he drank too much - in other words last week). The source then goes on to say that "nobody at the party seemed to care that he was there" (again, Crabbie's been there), and that eventually he "sat down at a dinner by himself and just sort of looked around. It was really bizarre."

Sounds like Keanu could use a hug (or perhaps a big greasy fist up his ass). Hey, I know, why don't we fix Keanu up? I would volunteer myself as Keanu's new companion, but I'm afraid he's not that interested in jumping old queens behind the bushes (which is as far as it would go; no way I'm bringing that slouchy, unshaven wreck back to my pad).

Hey, I've got it. Misery loves company, right? So how about this love-match?


The two most unhappy, screwed-up people in all show-biz. I can just see it now. Keanu drives over to Mischa's place on his moped, shoeless of course, and picks her up. They head to a bar where there's nothing but Elliot Smith playing and drink Grey Goose, and after a half-hour Mischa starts screaming about the monkeys and smashing glasses. Keanu shuffles her out the back and down to the beach where the waves crash against the old wooden pilings, and Mischa tears all her clothes off and says, "I'm Isadora Duncan," and spins around until she passes out. Then Keanu sits down on the sand next to Mischa's prostrate form, and stares at her face until he starts to cry. Then a seagull comes and shits on his head and he flies into a rage. He's so angry he forgets about Mischa, and gets on his moped and drives head-long into the front window of a Kinko's. But he's not hurt. And the next morning, Mischa wakes up on the beach to find that a drunk, smelly indigent named Burt has made her his wife. And she realizes it's the happiest day of her life.

Mischa Barton Pretends Not to Be a Miserable Wretch

Ex-O.C.-er Mischa Barton represents for Keds. So what's the big deal about the ring Misch? Are you trying to mesmerize someone with its shininess? And what the hell are you smiling for? We know you're a suicidal head-case, so stop trying to fool us.

Jude Law Looks Disheveled and Crazy - Again

Jude Law and Robin Wright Penn at the London Film Festival photocall for Breaking and Entering. Apparently Jude ran out of shirts with collars. And what's with that devious smirk on his face? Why does this guy always seem like he's one stubbed toe away from a full-on psychotic breakdown? Well, at least Robin appears to be amused by him. Of course she's had a lot of experience with pathetically insecure latent homosexuals. She is married to Sean Penn, after all.

Anna Nicole Smith Behaves "Oddly" at Her Son's Funeral. Compared to How She Normally Behaves?

Reality-show train wreck Anna Nicole Smith is apparently going to need some industrial strength pharmaceuticals to get through the grieving period after her son Daniel's death.

According to Loretta Butler-Turner, the woman responsible for overseeing Daniel's memorial in the Bahamas on Thursday, Smith carried on like a crazy-person during the service, sobbing and wailing and lashing out at people, and then afterward, having spent 20 minutes by the side of the grave, turned to Butler-Turner and asked if she could take the deceased home and give him a warm bath.

Damn, that's too sad for even me to make fun of.

Mike Tyson: He Doesn't Know Whether to Punch Women or Stick His Dick in Them

Boxer-turned-sideshow-freak Mike Tyson and his extra chromosome are looking into a pair of new career opportunities: one as a touring boxer fighting exhibitions against all comers, including women; the other as a prime attraction at revolting whore-mistress Heidi Fleiss's new "stud farm."

The first bit comes from Tyson's mouth itself. At a press conference announcing his new charity punching tour, the convicted rapist mentioned his desire to spar with Ann Wolfe, a female boxer whom Tyson describes as being, "a prominent, dominant woman in the boxing field."

Just for the record, Ann Wolfe's promoter says the fight would never happen because Tyson outweighs Wolfe by 70 pounds (and there's always the chance that he could, you know, try to molest her right in the middle of the ring).

The second bit of news, which actually seems less unlikely, comes not from Tyson but the festering, puss-filled mouth of Ms. Fleiss, who claims the crazy bastard called her and volunteered to be one of her studs.

"...he was in the Hamptons with a friend of mine and he called me," Fleiss told an interviewer. " ... I said to him, 'You going to be my stud?' And he said, 'Heidi I don't care what any man says. It's every man's dream to please every woman no matter how old, how young, how fat, how pretty, how ugly, it's every man's dream to please every woman and especially get paid for it.' And, he goes, 'Hell yeah, I'll be your number one stud.'"

A point of contention with Mr. Tyson: Mike, when you say "it's every man's dream to please a woman" - I hate to argue with you (please don't rip my head off and eat it, okay?), but it's actually not. For some men, pleasing a woman is more like a grim task - you know, the kind people assume when they want to pretend they're not actually the thing they are. Like Tom Cruise. Or maybe Tom's a bad example, since all Katie seems to need is a little brainwashing booster now and again and a few spoonfuls of applesauce (Tom's got her on quite a diet). But I digress. The point is, not all men exist to please women. Or rape them. Or punch them in the face. Some men just want to give women a good manicure, or a shoulder-rub, or help them color co-ordinate their den. We're not all fucking savages.

Crabbie's Quickies: Posh Not Hot, DeBurgh's Magic Powers, Monaghan and Lilly To Wed

Is Posh Spice hot? Not according to Posh.

"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach and I've got no bum at all," says Posh. "I might fit into jeans but, trust me, I look really awful naked."

I'll take your word for it hon.

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Chris DeBurgh, who had a hit in the '80s with the song Lady in Red, claims to have acquired the power to heal people through the laying on of hands.

"I have found myself able to cure people with my hands," DeBurgh said on the BBC program Heaven and Earth. "I met someone in the West Indies who was not able to walk. I put my hands on him and he was able to get up... I try to play it down."

Hey Chris. I've got these genital warts. Maybe if you massaged them for a minute...

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Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly of the show Lost are planning on getting hitched.

Here's a picture of the two of them going at it on the beach:


Why ruin such a lovely thing with marriage? Ah well. To each his/her own...

Osama Bin Laden Digs Crackho Whitney

Ever wonder what kind of woman turns a psychotic international terrorist's crank? Well, wonder no more kiddies; thanks to an alleged ex-sex slave of Osama Bin Laden, we now know exactly what kind of female brings woodage to the old Al Qaeda tentpole - the kind that makes a fortune in music and movies, then marries a has-been singer and turns into a drug-addled wash-out right before our very eyes. Yup, Whitney Houston. According to a book by Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and recently-fired "Days of Our Lives" writer who claims to have once been a member of Bin Laden's harem, the America-hating, 9/11-planning lunatic has an obsession with Whitney Houston, and once told Boof he would like to get rid of her husband Bobby Brown and make her one of his wives. "[He would say] how beautiful she is," Boof writes, "what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed." Osama's thing for Whitney apparently runs counter to his general feelings about African women, however. "African women are only good for a man's lower pleasures," Boof quotes Bin Laden as saying. "What need do you have for a womb?"

If I were Whitney I'd be packing my bags right now and heading for Afghanistan. Bobby Brown? Crap, girl, he's an l-o-s-e-r loser. Osama Bin Laden? Guy's got millions. I mean, sure, you'll have to live in a cave, but think about the primo smoke, and all you have to do is shine the guy's tentpole every now and then. Okay, so maybe you run the risk of being beheaded for no reason, but what the hell, you ain't using that thing for anything anyway, right? Sorry Bobby, but I think this is a gots to go situation.

(source)