Biggest Losers of 2006: #1 Mel Gibson

It was the defining celebrity moment of 2006 - Mel Gibson's DUI arrest in California, and the subsequent news of his anti-Semitic, sexist tirade. I mean, this was Mel Freaking Gibson - the guy from Lethal Weapon for Christ's sake, the guy from Mad Max (gotta love those leather pants). A guy who, at one time, could've laid claim to being the biggest movie-star on earth. Who won Oscars for Braveheart, and had one of the highest-grossers of all time with Passion of the Christ. This wasn't some z-lister getting drunk and rowdy, this was Hollywood royalty for God's sake. And we were looking at his mugshot. We were hearing about how he got liquored up and drove too fast, and got pulled over, and went on a rant against Jews while being hauled to the pokey, and called some female cop "Sugartits." I mean, this kind of shit didn't happen to Mel Gibson - it happened to Andy Dick or Nick Nolte or Courtney Love. Not Mel Gibson. But, sadly, we had to admit it - Mel Gibson was a dirtbag. Much as we wanted to deny it, chalk it up to one bad night, we had to face the reality that Mel Gibson probably really was that anti-Semitic, that screwed up. And in the end, that altered perception is what makes Mel Gibson the biggest loser of the year - not that he's probably lost money over it, and will have to go on for years answering questions about it, but just the simple fact that, now, every time we see a Mel Gibson movie, we'll think about that mugshot, we'll imagine that dark night when Mel let the movie-star facade slip away and showed us what was truly in his heart. And we'll make bad jokes. We'll yell out "Sugartits" every time he interacts with a female co-star. We'll snicker every time he acts crazy, thinking to ourselves that it's not really acting. We'll no longer be able to give ourselves over to the illusion of the character, but will get caught up on that image of Mel, slobbering drunk, in the backseat of a police car saying the Jews were responsible for all the wars on earth and asking the arresting officer if he was a Jew, and saying that he owned Malibu. The tragedy of the whole thing being not that Mel has lost prestige or job opportunities, but that we've all lost Mel.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #2 Kevin Federline/Britney Spears

This was going to be Federline's spot. Federline the would-be rapper, the guy so desperate to be in the limelight it seemed he'd show up anywhere, perform any inane stunt to get noticed. The guy who, when Britney dumped him, seemed on the fast-track to total obscurity (at last). But something happened on the way to sole Federline possession of the penultimate spot on the roll-call of losers - Britney started carrying on like Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan and Janice Dickinson all rolled into one. Britney, the gum-chomping, baby-dropping tart, the lovable nitwit, began making a cooch-baring spectacle of herself, out-trashing even the shameless Federline; out-trashing him to the point that, after awhile, it started looking like Federline may have been the classy one in that relationship after all. Britney's antics - hanging out with Paris Hilton, getting drunk, bouncing from one sleazy man to the next - were enough to cause a re-assessment of the loser-list. Did Federline truly deserve to reside alone in the runner-up position? Was not Britney at least as worthy of the dubious distinction as her erstwhile partner-in-tackiness? There was no choice, as Crabbie saw it, but to place Britney right alongside Federline, to pay homage to both of them, losers-in-arms, linked forever in infamy like Leopold and Loeb, Sacco and Vanzetti, Whitney and Bobby. So, congratulations to Britney for making it in just under the wire. And to Britney's cooch - thanks honey for all the extra traffic. Have a douche on me.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #3 Saddam Hussein

So how are we feeling today, Saddam? Oh, a little achy in the throat area, huh? And otherwise a little cold and stiff. Well, being hanged by the neck until you are dead will do that to a person (don't click this if you can't stomach watching someone die). Of course, not a lot of people feel sorry for you, Saddam, what with all the Kurd-gassing you did, and the rape-rooms, and the rest of that not-funny shit - not to mention the fact that you had a relationship with Satan. All right, so the Satan part didn't actually happen, but it might as well have, right? I mean, when you fuck with the good old U.S.-of-A. (and more specifically any member of the Bush family not named Billy), you're the next thing to the devil (cause we control the media - haha screw you). Of course, lately, you'd become something of an after-thought, hadn't you? Sure, you tried forcing yourself back into the headlines by ranting and raving at your trial, but in the end it was all for nought - we had long-since put you on the back-burner, consumed as we were with our big election, and all the violence in your wacked-out country, and of course Britney's equipment (which you probably didn't get to see there in your cell - too bad for you). In the end, no one really cared that much, until you actually got snuffed, and even then you were little more than a distraction, a grim pre-New Year's diversion. Soon we'll all be drinking, and partying it up, and then 2007 will begin, and Britney will flash something, and some star will get liquored-up and say something stupid, and Lindsay Lohan will break one limb or another, and no one will even remember that you ever existed. Sad.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #4 Heather Mills

Here's a lesson for all you wannabe celebrities out there - never fuck with a Beatle. Just ask Heather Mills what happens when you do. Yeah, Heather knows - it ain't pretty. Cause Beatles are beloved forever - seriously, Paul McCartney could burn down an orphanage, then snort the ashes of the dead children and people would say, "Well, Paul was just having a bad day. Everybody gets a few pints in them now and then and does something bad. I'm sure he didn't mean it." But people who mess with Beatle-karma? Different story. Mess with a Beatle and people will revile you, call you a gold-digger, accuse you of lying when you make allegations. Paul McCartney used to beat you Heather? Well, you probably deserved it. Oh, and he pushed you while you were pregnant, and verbally abused you, and wouldn't let you use a bed-pan even though you're a monopede and can't get to the bathroom without crawling across the carpet like a cockroach? Seems fitting, given that you are a cockroach. No Heather, sorry. Paul could've clobbered you like one of those baby-seals you love so well and people would say, "Well, he was just trying to keep her in line. Women need a little cuffing around now and then. Good for them." He could've hacked off your other leg with a rusty saw and people would say, "Well, nice of Paul to even the bitch out, eh? Now she won't look so goofy tottering around like a drunk on a pogo-stick." Can't win this one Heather. Unless of course you get all the money in the end.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #5 John Mark Karr

It was one of the year's most bizarre stories - a previously unknown teacher named John Mark Karr coming out of the woodwork to confess to murdering child beauty-queen JonBenet Ramsey. Was this, at last, a break in the case that had baffled investigators, and compulsive viewers of sleazy Court TV specials, since the story first captured the public's imagination back in 1996? Er, no. Because, as it turned out, John Mark Karr was not the murderer of JonBenet Ramsey - he was just a pathetic, celeb-obsessed pedophile who decided, what the fuck, might as well take a shot at fame and confess to murdering this child. Now, we here in celeb-gossip land come up against a whole lot of publicity-grubbing, media-whoring and general attention-grabbing (frankly, about ninety percent of what happens falls into one of those categories), but seldom does one encounter a case of groping for the spotlight this shameless and rank. Britney Spears may flash cooch, Paris Hilton may call someone a name, Lindsay Lohan may write a crazy e-mail that just happens to get leaked to the press, but nothing any of these attention-junkies has ever done comes close to being as reprehensible and sickening as what John Mark Karr perpetrated. So congratulations, sicko. You are officially a lower form of life than Paris Hilton.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #6 Skinny Freak Bitches

I don't know a lot, but I do know this - skinny ain't in. At least that's the sense I get as I browse my way through the celeblogosphere on a daily basis. The majority of bloggers and their commenters, it seems to me, are repulsed by size-zero celebrities like Nicole Richie and Lara Flynn Boyle, and many of them feel sorry for these poor, clueless, appearance-obsessed wretches. If I live to be a hundred, I'll never understand what could be going on in someone's head to make them think that looking like a Calcutta street-beggar is the way to go if you want to be considered sexy. And oh, I know - anorexia. I don't understand it. It's a disorder. These people can't help it. Sure. And Mel Gibson can't help being an anti-Semitic wacko because of his alcoholism. And Rosie O'Donnell can't help being a wildebeest because of her fat genes. Funny, how we choose which things to hold people personally responsible for, and which to explain away with a lot of psychobabble and vague neurological nonsense. Bottom line: if the Richies, Bosworths, Boyles and Knightleys of the world want people to stop puking in horror at their emaciated freakishness, there's a simple solution for them - Double-Whoppers with extra onions.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #7 Steve Irwin

What can I say? The guy made a living teasing wild animals and it finally caught up with him. All right, so technically he wasn't teasing the stingray - he was just swimming near it when for no particular reason it jabbed a barb right through his heart. At least, that's what the official story was. That Steve wasn't doing anything to the stingray; that stingrays are docile creatures that almost never attack people, and it was just a fluke. Well, call me a skeptic, but I just don't buy it. I don't think the stingray was just swimming along, minding its own business, and for no good reason it happened to raise its stinger thingie up and, whoops, old Steve's chest just happened to get in the way. I think the stingray was paid off. Yup, by the crocodiles. Cause they had it in for Steve. He'd been fucking with them for years, and they were tired of it. So they got together and came up with a plan: they were gonna get that Irwin guy when he least expected it. Not when he was wrestling a croc, or messing with rattlesnakes, or sticking his arm in a badger-hole (if badgers in fact live in holes). No, they were going to call upon their docile aquatic buddy the stingray to do the job. Because Irwin would never see that coming. Pure genius, if you ask me.

By the way, an Honorable Mention Biggest Loser to Bill Maher for this ridiculous dead-Steve-Irwin costume:


Making fun of the dead? How jerky is that?

Biggest Losers of 2006: #8 Republicans

It's hard to imagine a political party having a worse year than the G.O.P. did in 2006. A run-down of the carnage:

• Vice-President Dick Cheney shoots a hunting partner in the face with a shotgun while attempting to murder a quail. To make matters worse, the White House fails to inform the press about the matter for several days, and acts as though such an incident is somehow no one's business. Guess no one ever filled them in on that whole principle of the government serving the people.
• Virginia Senator George Allen calls an Indian-American man "Macaca" during a campaign rally. Macaca, it turns out, is a derogatory term for people of color. Allen first denies knowing what the word means, then claims he made it up. More accusations of racism surface as election day nears, including one that Allen, while in college, stuffed a severed deer's head into a black family's mailbox. Damn. Even Andy Dick's never done anything that fucked up.
• Florida Congressman Mark Foley is discovered having icky e-mail exchanges with teenage pages. Male pages. Making Mr. Foley not only a perv, but a gay perv. You know, like Newt Gingrich, but not smart enough to avoid getting caught.
• Election Day 2006 will go down in history as a bloodbath for the Republicans, with the party losing its long-held majorities in both the House and Senate. Among the biggest names to be ousted are the aforementioned George Allen, once a presidential hopeful but now merely a steaming pile of Macaca, and Rick Santorum, a known piece-of-shit gay-basher who himself had presidential aspirations. Perhaps now the Republicans have learned a lesson about putting lilly-white church-going homophobes at the head of their party. Or perhaps not.
• Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announces his resignation days after the Republican party's sound thrashing on election day. Not many people in America are sad to see the arrogant fucker go. And people in Iraq rejoice in the streets. Nice to be loved, ain't it Donny?
• Number of U.S. Soldiers killed in Iraq in 2006 (so far): 772.
• President George Bush continues to suffer near-record-low approval ratings, and is declared in a Washington Post editorial to be the worst president ever.

Well, think about it this way Republicans - at least none of you is being stalked by Lindsay Lohan like Al Gore is. Not yet, anyway.

Biggest Losers of 2006: #9 Borat Victims

A humorless humor expert. A clueless ex-Congressman. An arena full of whooping rodeo fans. A patronizing etiquette coach. A bunch of drunken frat-boys. What do they all have in common? They were all victims of Borat, the phony Kazakh journalist portrayed by ambush-comic/satirist Sacha Baron Cohen. Cohen's guerrilla-filmmaking resulted in one of the year's most hilarious movies - hilarious to us, the spectators, but not so to the people Cohen victimized. Many of Borat's unwitting co-stars even got angry enough to attempt lawsuits - the boozing racist frat boys, who claimed their "reputations" were damaged; the etiquette coach Cindy Streit, who claimed she was doing to it to prevent others from being duped by Cohen as well (how big of her). Even the Romanian villagers Cohen used as his faux-Kazakh kinsmen got in on the litigation (apparently Romanians don't know funny either). And then there was the curious case of Kid Rock, who got so incensed over Pamela Anderson's perfectly witting appearance in the film, that he pushed her right into leaving him. Maybe somebody could hook Kid up with Cindy Streit. Hey, at least his manners would improve (and maybe she'd be able to potty-train him finally).

Biggest Losers of 2006: #10 Anna Nicole Smith

America's favorite incoherent necrophiliac may have shed her Jabba the Hutt image and become relatively hot again, but that doesn't mean she suddenly developed class. Instead, she became even weirder and more pathetic than before. Of course, some of this was not her fault - her son dying for example. I mean, that sort of thing is going to happen (especially when someone has more drugs in their system than Keith Richards and Tommy Lee put together). Still, it's telling, isn't it, that despite her personal tragedy, Anna Nicole never managed to become a genuinely sympathetic figure, but remained, to the public, pretty much the same drug-addled, slutty freak she had always been. What has to happen to Anna Nicole before we forget about the gold-digging and the slurred speech and view her as a human being with feelings? Does she have to get kicked out of her house? Oh wait - already happened. Okay, well, then does she have to become embroiled in some kind of horrific battle over who's the father of her child? Oh right - that already happened too. God damn. What hasn't happened to this stupid bitch?

Crabbie's Biggest Losers of 2006, Part 1

December's upon us kids, and you know what that means. Yup - end of the year lists. Best, Worst, Biggest, Baddest. Next to Kwanzaa, year-in-review lists are the best thing about this time of year.

So let's get it kicked off right, with Crabbie's Biggest Losers of 2006 (In two parts, to avoid a big huge stupid long post).

First the honorable mentions. People who were big losers this year, but not quite big and losery enough to crack the top 20:

Kevin Smith The fat, unkempt director who brought us Clerks 2, one of the most abysmally unfunny movies Crabbie's seen in ages. And as if unleashing that turd weren't bad enough, Smith also had to get all bitchy with film critic Joel Siegel because Siegel walked out of his craptacular film. Siegel was only demonstrating good taste, Kevin. Something you have yet to do even once in your life.

Southeast Asia Still a shithole (angry comments written in broken English may now be posted).

Zinedine Zidane The French soccer player who head-butted that Italian guy during the silly World Cup or whatever they call it. This guy proves what Crabbie's always known - sports are for Neanderthals.

Superman They brought the Man of Steel back to the big screen, and basically no one cared. Homosexual undertones were unable to rescue the film from the clutches of boredom.

RIAA/MPAA These two organizations continue destroying the images of their industries while supposedly protecting them. Yes, I know, piracy is wrong. But honestly. Going after old men whose grandkids downloaded Disney movies? Why don't you just kick puppies while you're at it?

John Kerry While his party was sweeping back into control of the Senate, this droning dipwad was making a fool of himself by trying to imitate Jon Stewart. Now his presidential prospects are zero. Obama in '08, bitches.

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi The Al-Qaeda piece of shit who beheaded Nick Berg got his candle snuffed by F-16s on June 7. Ain't no virgin nookie in hell, loser.

Bill O'Reilly He continues to be the smuggest, most unlikable bastard on the face of the earth. I wouldn't fuck this guy with a plastic dick via telekinesis.

Perez Hilton The Gossip Gangsta could've been one of the 20 biggest losers, but that would've been too much acknowledgement for this cretinous ferret. Stop outing people Perez. And for God's sake - pay for the pictures (you can't say you don't have the money).

Pete Doherty/Kate Moss The crustiest couple on earth (now that Whitney and Bobby have split). They would've made the top 20, but then I realized that no one actually cares about them.

And now the top 20...

20. Wesley Snipes
His career wasn't exactly going gangbusters anyway, and then came the charges of tax fraud, which reduced him from the low station of washed-up star to the even lower station of washed-up star who's a criminal (you know, Robert Blake territory). Snipes has since bargained his way out of trouble, but the taint of those charges will remain with him as long as he continues making crappy movies.

19. Video Game Dipshits
Crabbie will confess to having played Donkey Kong a time or two, while high, back in the day, but that was the beginning and end of his experience with video games. There are, however, losers all over this world who consider sitting on their asses for hours staring at a TV screen while manipulating little sticks with their fingers the highest form of amusement. And there are even losers who will wait in line for hours in front of retail outlets, braving the elements and gun-toting robbers, to get their hands on the latest piece of stupid technological doo-daddery designed to distract them from the fact that they can't even get a feel. Honestly. All you have to do is find a skank and get her drunk. How hard is that?

18. Poshy
Posh Spice Beckham is one of the most hilariously clueless of all celebutards. That look of deadly-serious intensity on her face, like posing for pictures was second in difficulty only to piloting a spacecraft. And then there are the outfits. For a fashion person, she's awfully lacking in taste:




17. M. Night Shyamalan
This guy was the biggest thing in Hollywood there for awhile. Then people started realizing it was the same damn movie over and over, and the box-office began declining. This year he released Lady in the Water, his dumbest piece of junk yet, and arguably the biggest flop of the year. It's about time Hollywood put this glum, self-absorbed one-trick-pony out to pasture.

16. MySpace People
MySpace is the cesspool of the internet. Vapid exhibitionist twats alongside perverts alongside lonely hopeless jerks who are one more rejection away from taking a bottle of pills and dying in a puddle of sick. And the damn pages are insufferable. That hideous music that always has to come on. And the videos that try to load, freezing your computer. And the complete clanging visual cacophonousness of it. Oh yeah, and Nicole Richie is on there, beating up on Rachel Zoe. Not that I mind people beating up on Rachel Zoe...

15. Naomi Campbell
She was once a big-time supermodel (for what such a thing is worth) but now she's just a walking punch-line (which is still more than Cindy Crawford is these days, but I digress). Hey Naomi, how about some anger-management? Better yet, how about an exorcism? Maybe then you won't feel compelled to chuck phones at your assistants, and kick them and call them horrible bigoted names. Seriously, is there anything lower than a rich asswad who abuses the help?

14. Boy George
It's been a long time since Boy George was famous for anything other than being a drug-addled wash-out ex-pop-star. But hey, if that's what you're going to be, you might as well play it to the hilt, right? Well, Boy George has. Awhile ago he got nailed for cocaine possession, after calling the cops to his own apartment alleging a break-in - stupidity or a blatant attempt at getting attention? Either way, he got some attention - a community service sentence that saw him sweeping sidewalks in New York. Then, later in the year, he got into a shouting match with some mischievous ragamuffins at an awards show. Would someone please just tell this dumb fuck to go away?

13. Sienna Miller
Speaking of dumb fucks who need to go away - is there a more obnoxious serial asswad in the world than Sienna Miller? I mean, to begin with, what has this bitch ever done besides go out with Jude Law? And now she doesn't even have him (cause Jude finally came to his senses). But what she does have is an entire city angry at her. And she deserves it, after dubbing Pittsburgh "Shittsburgh," and subsequently getting into some kind of bitchy altercation at a restaurant there. Just go home Sienna.

12. Nancy Grace
The Court TV and CNNHN host was already one of the more insufferable big-mouthed harpies on the face of the earth when, earlier this year, she managed to reach the pantheon of sleazehood - by driving one of her on-air guests to suicide. The poor dead woman's son had disappeared, and Grace, without a shred of actual evidence, decided that the woman was guilty, and brought her on her show to badger and berate her. And the next day the woman was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Now, there are some unbearable twats on the airwaves these days - Kelly Ripa, Rosie O'Donnell, Rachael Ray. But none of them are actual murderers (except maybe Rosie O'Donnell, who may or may not have crushed to death a paramedic who was attempting to assist her after she ate five-hundred Ding Dongs in an hour and went into a diabetic fit).

11. Russell Crowe
All right, so Russell didn't do anything really stupid this year (at least nothing as bad as his infamous phone-throwing incident from summer 2005). But I can't help it - the man just makes me angry every time I look at him. Maybe it's because he's an Australian, and I've always had this irrational aversion to Australians. Or maybe it's his face. Or his hair. Or the fact that he thinks he's a tough-guy even though he's so obviously a little pansy. Or maybe it's the fact that he tries so hard to ingratiate himself everywhere he goes. Like when he cooked a turkey with Martha Stewart:


"Oh, look at me. I have a domestic side. I'm not just big bad Hollywood superstar Russell Crowe." Ugh. Just find a rock to die under, would you Russell?

Top 10 Coming Soon