So let's get it kicked off right, with Crabbie's Biggest Losers of 2006 (In two parts, to avoid a big huge stupid long post).
First the honorable mentions. People who were big losers this year, but not quite big and losery enough to crack the top 20:
Kevin Smith The fat, unkempt director who brought us Clerks 2, one of the most abysmally unfunny movies Crabbie's seen in ages. And as if unleashing that turd weren't bad enough, Smith also had to get all bitchy with film critic Joel Siegel because Siegel walked out of his craptacular film. Siegel was only demonstrating good taste, Kevin. Something you have yet to do even once in your life.
Southeast Asia Still a shithole (angry comments written in broken English may now be posted).
Zinedine Zidane The French soccer player who head-butted that Italian guy during the silly World Cup or whatever they call it. This guy proves what Crabbie's always known - sports are for Neanderthals.
Superman They brought the Man of Steel back to the big screen, and basically no one cared. Homosexual undertones were unable to rescue the film from the clutches of boredom.
RIAA/MPAA These two organizations continue destroying the images of their industries while supposedly protecting them. Yes, I know, piracy is wrong. But honestly. Going after old men whose grandkids downloaded Disney movies? Why don't you just kick puppies while you're at it?
John Kerry While his party was sweeping back into control of the Senate, this droning dipwad was making a fool of himself by trying to imitate Jon Stewart. Now his presidential prospects are zero. Obama in '08, bitches.
Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi The Al-Qaeda piece of shit who beheaded Nick Berg got his candle snuffed by F-16s on June 7. Ain't no virgin nookie in hell, loser.
Bill O'Reilly He continues to be the smuggest, most unlikable bastard on the face of the earth. I wouldn't fuck this guy with a plastic dick via telekinesis.
Perez Hilton The Gossip Gangsta could've been one of the 20 biggest losers, but that would've been too much acknowledgement for this cretinous ferret. Stop outing people Perez. And for God's sake - pay for the pictures (you can't say you don't have the money).
Pete Doherty/Kate Moss The crustiest couple on earth (now that Whitney and Bobby have split). They would've made the top 20, but then I realized that no one actually cares about them.
And now the top 20...
20. Wesley Snipes
His career wasn't exactly going gangbusters anyway, and then came the charges of tax fraud, which reduced him from the low station of washed-up star to the even lower station of washed-up star who's a criminal (you know, Robert Blake territory). Snipes has since bargained his way out of trouble, but the taint of those charges will remain with him as long as he continues making crappy movies.
19. Video Game Dipshits
Crabbie will confess to having played Donkey Kong a time or two, while high, back in the day, but that was the beginning and end of his experience with video games. There are, however, losers all over this world who consider sitting on their asses for hours staring at a TV screen while manipulating little sticks with their fingers the highest form of amusement. And there are even losers who will wait in line for hours in front of retail outlets, braving the elements and gun-toting robbers, to get their hands on the latest piece of stupid technological doo-daddery designed to distract them from the fact that they can't even get a feel. Honestly. All you have to do is find a skank and get her drunk. How hard is that?
18. Poshy
Posh Spice Beckham is one of the most hilariously clueless of all celebutards. That look of deadly-serious intensity on her face, like posing for pictures was second in difficulty only to piloting a spacecraft. And then there are the outfits. For a fashion person, she's awfully lacking in taste:
17. M. Night Shyamalan
This guy was the biggest thing in Hollywood there for awhile. Then people started realizing it was the same damn movie over and over, and the box-office began declining. This year he released Lady in the Water, his dumbest piece of junk yet, and arguably the biggest flop of the year. It's about time Hollywood put this glum, self-absorbed one-trick-pony out to pasture.
16. MySpace People
MySpace is the cesspool of the internet. Vapid exhibitionist twats alongside perverts alongside lonely hopeless jerks who are one more rejection away from taking a bottle of pills and dying in a puddle of sick. And the damn pages are insufferable. That hideous music that always has to come on. And the videos that try to load, freezing your computer. And the complete clanging visual cacophonousness of it. Oh yeah, and Nicole Richie is on there, beating up on Rachel Zoe. Not that I mind people beating up on Rachel Zoe...
15. Naomi Campbell
She was once a big-time supermodel (for what such a thing is worth) but now she's just a walking punch-line (which is still more than Cindy Crawford is these days, but I digress). Hey Naomi, how about some anger-management? Better yet, how about an exorcism? Maybe then you won't feel compelled to chuck phones at your assistants, and kick them and call them horrible bigoted names. Seriously, is there anything lower than a rich asswad who abuses the help?
14. Boy George
It's been a long time since Boy George was famous for anything other than being a drug-addled wash-out ex-pop-star. But hey, if that's what you're going to be, you might as well play it to the hilt, right? Well, Boy George has. Awhile ago he got nailed for cocaine possession, after calling the cops to his own apartment alleging a break-in - stupidity or a blatant attempt at getting attention? Either way, he got some attention - a community service sentence that saw him sweeping sidewalks in New York. Then, later in the year, he got into a shouting match with some mischievous ragamuffins at an awards show. Would someone please just tell this dumb fuck to go away?
13. Sienna Miller
Speaking of dumb fucks who need to go away - is there a more obnoxious serial asswad in the world than Sienna Miller? I mean, to begin with, what has this bitch ever done besides go out with Jude Law? And now she doesn't even have him (cause Jude finally came to his senses). But what she does have is an entire city angry at her. And she deserves it, after dubbing Pittsburgh "Shittsburgh," and subsequently getting into some kind of bitchy altercation at a restaurant there. Just go home Sienna.
12. Nancy Grace
The Court TV and CNNHN host was already one of the more insufferable big-mouthed harpies on the face of the earth when, earlier this year, she managed to reach the pantheon of sleazehood - by driving one of her on-air guests to suicide. The poor dead woman's son had disappeared, and Grace, without a shred of actual evidence, decided that the woman was guilty, and brought her on her show to badger and berate her. And the next day the woman was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Now, there are some unbearable twats on the airwaves these days - Kelly Ripa, Rosie O'Donnell, Rachael Ray. But none of them are actual murderers (except maybe Rosie O'Donnell, who may or may not have crushed to death a paramedic who was attempting to assist her after she ate five-hundred Ding Dongs in an hour and went into a diabetic fit).
11. Russell Crowe
All right, so Russell didn't do anything really stupid this year (at least nothing as bad as his infamous phone-throwing incident from summer 2005). But I can't help it - the man just makes me angry every time I look at him. Maybe it's because he's an Australian, and I've always had this irrational aversion to Australians. Or maybe it's his face. Or his hair. Or the fact that he thinks he's a tough-guy even though he's so obviously a little pansy. Or maybe it's the fact that he tries so hard to ingratiate himself everywhere he goes. Like when he cooked a turkey with Martha Stewart:
"Oh, look at me. I have a domestic side. I'm not just big bad Hollywood superstar Russell Crowe." Ugh. Just find a rock to die under, would you Russell?
Top 10 Coming Soon
