Just Like Daddy

Tom Cruise told Entertainment Tonight that Suri absolutely refuses to wear pants. "Kate finally got her in jeans the other day," Tom said. "We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." She wants to make herself pretty so she can find a man and get the fuck out away from you, Tom. Hello? Earth to Xenu-boy!

Another Botox Casualty

Nicole Kidman at a New York screening of Australia. She has to hold her face to keep it from sliding right off. She probably tells everyone she has a headache. Which is silly because she obviously has no feeling left anywhere above her neck. The "tox" in Botox stands for "toxin," Nicole. As in toxic. As in poison. As in box-office poison - another thing you know all about.

Alien Pirate

Oh no - Rihanna lost her eye! She poked it out with her own dick! I told her trying to eye-fuck herself was only going to lead to injury. Oh wait - it was just a prop. What a relief.

What an awesome fog-and-light show. It's just like that KISS concert I went to 20 years ago.

Leaves Of Ass

Coldplay brought their special brand of watered-down crappy music to the American Music Awards. I don't know what the leaves have to do with anything. Maybe they symbolize the audience's desire to make like a tree and leave. Maybe if I listened to the song I would understand. I wonder if Chris Martin pays attention to Gwyneth at home or just tunes her out like the rest of the world does?

Stinky Ho

"I smell me, y'all."

Vampires Are Freaks

This is Twilight's Robert Pattinson going in to bite Tyra Banks's neck. Tyra dared him to I guess. He's braver than I am. I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere near that stanky ho. Tyra is clearly excited though. This is the most action she's gotten in ages.

All Class

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson showed up for some big grand opening in Dubai. Aren't lesbians against the law there? I don't know. Apparently, Sam doesn't get the concept of formal attire. Guns 'n' Roses? Silver sneakers? That face? Lindsay looks, um...well, she's a disaster at this point. 40 miles of bad road doesn't apply anymore. The place that fits Lindsay doesn't even have roads.