For God's Sake, Help Him Kate

Kate Hudson needs to sit Alex Rodriguez down and talk to him about his fashion choices. "We never, ever take our sweatshirt off and tie it around our waist. Ever."

Wait, is that Ryder? Holy shit did she cut his hair finally? Maybe A-Rod's a good influence after all.

Quitter

Sarah Palin has announced that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska, effective at the end of the month. She didn't take questions from the press - a good idea, given her past performance with reporters - and didn't really speak to why she's made this decision, except to say that she thinks she can be more effective "outside government" and is tired of "political blood sport." Sounds like someone has her own talk show lined up.

The timing of the announcement is the curious thing here. July 4th weekend is a notoriously slow news time, and a lot of the top journalists are on vacation. Usually, if you make an announcement around this time, it's because you're trying to sneak it by with as few people noticing as possible. Interesting that Palin would choose to slink away in this manner. Is there some kind of investigation coming up that we don't know about? Did the cops finally find her meth lab?

Did Alex Rodriguez knock up Willow after all?

The funniest thing about this is Palin's line about not wanting to engage in "political blood sport" anymore. Sure Sarah. Until it's time for a presidential run. Phony, phony cunt.

Give Me A Break

Sarah Palin has accepted the unnecessary apology David Letterman offered for his jokes about Alex Rodriguez and Eliot Spitzer that made reference to Palin's slutty daughter Brisol...but Palin's moronic supporters aren't as forgiving as their shit-for-brains queen, and are still calling for Letterman to be fired.

The negative publicity is unfortunately having an effect on Letterman's show. Not only has the program been bogged down with apologies, but now sponsors like Embassy Suites are pulling ads, claiming they are not taking sides in the matter but are simply retreating until things calm down.
Way to stand up for principle, Embassy Suites.

This whole thing would be completely absurd and laughable if only it weren't so terrifying, so indicative of a whole strain of Fascist thinking that disguises itself as right-minded outrage. And Palin's behavior in the whole mess is frankly reprehensible. The bitch needs to do more than just accept the apology and walk away - she needs to denounce the protesters who insist on continuing their politically-motivated attacks. Of course, this is not the first time Palin has stood idly by while her supporters behaved like hooligans. During the campaign, when Barack Obama was being called all sorts of horrible things, Palin could've spoken out against the hysteria, but instead she winked at it.

Clearly, Palin enjoys being at the center of these shitstorms. And she knows that, the more frenzied her supporters become, the more it solidifies her position as the head right-wing nutcase. And the great thing for her is that she doesn't really have to do anything. Once the controversy gets rolling, she can step aside, pretending to be magnanimous, and watch her mutton-headed minions do all the dirty work. Mussolini would be proud.

You Wanna Tell Him Or Should I?

Dear Alex Rodriguez: It's not necessarily gay to go to a Madonna concert. It's also not necessarily gay to wear a scarf. But both at once? Um...gay.

Is The Romance Over?

First we learn that Alex Rodriguez pissed Madonna off by quitting Kabbalah school because it bored him (not enough strippers I guess), and now we see him hanging out with his ex-wife and his kids for the holidays. And they all look pretty happy too. Something tells me Madge is going to have to find a new dumb, pretty, large-peckered plaything to amuse herself with. One who has a little longer attention span maybe.

Boring Chumps

Madonna and her little baseball-playing Dick of the Month Club winner Alex Rodriguez are all over the New York media for flying out to Jerry Seinfeld's place in the Hamptons on helicopters. They allegedly stayed there four hours before leaving. What did they do with the Seinfelds for four hours at the Seinfelds' house before flying off in helicopters like characters in some dumb-ass Tom Clancy novel? Perhaps we don't want to know. I wonder if this Rodriguez character is smart enough to realize he's being used by Madonna as a means of getting back at her husband Guy Ritchie for whatever she thinks Ritchie did to her. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he just wants his place on that rather long list of people who've fucked Madonna. Maybe he thinks when he gets to the end this will earn him a special place in whatever afterlife he believes in. "Oh, you did Madonna. There's a special VIP room for people like you. It's currently the size of North America but we're thinking of knocking out a wall."

Homewrecker

Shocking news: Madonna and Alex Rodriguez have been doing their "romantic" icky things while Madge was supposedly using Kabbalah power to patch things up with husband Guy Ritchie. Oh really? So Rodriguez is just a big dumb homewrecker and Madonna is another old twat clinging desperately to the last shreds of her youth. Oh my. I think I may faint.

Rodriguez Snubbed

Alex Rodriguez threw a party at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club Monday, but someone apparently forgot to tell his baseball teammates, because none of them showed up. Madonna was supposed to be there too, but she also blew it off. Numerous "big-busted hotties" attempted to grab Rodriguez's attention while dancing to Madonna tunes, says Page 6. These big-busted hotties apparently didn't get the memo that if they want to bag Alex they have to adopt a fad religion first, then use it to brainwash him.

Taunting

Baseball player Alex Rodriguez is taunted by fans holding up pictures of Madonna. Alex is thinking, "Jesus, did I actually fuck that old bag? I was so wasted."

Angry Kravitz, More Skanks

Rocker Lenny Kravitz blames his former manager Guy Oseary for dragging him into the whole Madonna-Alex Rodriguez mess. Kravitz was apparently tipped off by his trainer Dodd Romero that Oseary planned on leaking news of Alex and Madonna's affair to the press (for reasons known only to Oseary). This irritated Lenny who promptly fired Oseary. Lenny believes Oseary then leaked word of Kravitz's relationship with Alex's wife Cynthia as revenge for the firing. Kravitz was doubly-irked because, apparently, he's been trying to "clean up his image," and now people think he was fucking Cynthia.

Fabulous. Couldn't be happier with this. It's got more angles than a geometry textbook. Even Denzel Washington is involved now sort of - Kravitz, Dodd and Cynthia were supposedly headed off to hang with Washington when news of the love fiasco broke, and Cynthia decided to fly back to Miami to deal with it.

Also...Cynthia allegedly ran up a $100,000 bill on Alex's credit card to get back at him for screwing Madonna. What kind of revenge is that? If she really wanted to burn Alex, she would've refused to divorce him. She would've just haunted him.


More Skanks

A stripper named Candace Houlihan now claims to have had a two-night stand with Alex Rodriguez. She says she met him after a baseball game in Boston.

"We were really bustin' his chops and he walked over to us and I thought he was going to yell at us," Houlihan said. "But he introduced himself, asked me who I was and if I wanted to meet up for drinks later. I was like, 'Hell, yeah!'"

Alex then treated Candace to tequila shots and fucked her at his hotel. He liked it so much that he went back for seconds the next night. Clearly this guy has no self-control whatsoever. And not much taste.

Madonna Surfaces

The firestorm swirls around Madonna's head, yet she continues going about her Madonnaly business. Is it fair to refer to the Rodriguez/Madonna/Ritchie/Kravitz/Rodriguez business as a "firestorm?"

I don't doubt for a second that Madonna roped in Alex and made him her Kabbalah sex slave. She can't keep her hands off the Latin boys. And he doesn't strike me as the MENSA sort, making him a prime candidate for seduction via fad religion. I don't blame Cynthia for dropping him like a bad habit. He seems like a primo dirtbag. The only innocent victim here is poor Lenny Kravitz, who just wants to smoke dope and make terrible music.

Madonna Denies Banging Rodriguez

Madonna says she is not having sex with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. Nor is she splitting from her husband Guy Ritchie.

"My husband and I are not planning on getting a divorce," Madonna said in a statement. "I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us. I brought my kids to a Yankee game. I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.”

Rodriguez's wife Cynthia clearly doesn't believe Madonna...because she is filing for divorce today in Miami.

"Cynthia is tremendously traumatized and devastated," says Cynthia's lawyer Earle Lilly, who plans on claiming "emotional abandonment" in the divorce filing. Lilly also says that Rodriguez possesses a "vast" estate, and that Cynthia will seek a "huge" settlement.

And people wonder why George Clooney stays away from marriage.

Madonna's Kabbalah Seduction

The now-apparently-estranged wife of Alex Rodriguez is telling her friends that Madonna employed Kabbalah as a means of brainwashing Alex into become her new boy-toy.

"I believe he was having an affair with Madonna," Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend. "She said she found a letter where Alex told Madonna: 'You are my true soulmate.'"

"I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him," Cynthia allegedly went on. "I don't recognize the man he's become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and calculating."

Hmm...there might be some truth to this. First of all, we know Kabbalah is very powerful. Second of all...Madonna is about as cold and calculating as they come, so if she did brainwash Alex, that's probably how he would wind up too.

Oh, and he would have a constant hard-on that only Madonna's chasm-like mummy-poon could satisfy.

Big Dirty Multi-Ethnic Love Mess

This is what gossip-mavens live for: Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is breaking up. Baseball player Alex Rodriguez is seen sneaking into Madonna's apartment in the middle of the night. Rodriguez and his wife split after five years. Lenny Kravitz has to deny he is having an affair with Rodriguez's woman!

Hold on while I have an orgasm.

Here's what Lenny said to Us Weekly about the allegations he was getting busy with Cynthia Rodriguez:

"There is absolutely no affair between Cynthia Rodriguez and myself.

"This is unequivocally 100% per cent not true. Cynthia is a friend and is here with the godfather of her baby, who is also Alex's trainer, his wife and their baby girl.

"She came here to escape from everything happening in New York City. I opened my home to her as a friend and I find it extremely hurtful that I am now being referred to as an adulterer."

He's totally screwing the bitch. And Alex is screwing Madonna and Guy Ritchie is at home with midget porn and a roll of paper towels, crying and squirting, crying and squirting.

And how big a dirtbag is Alex Rodriguez anyway? It's been reported that he was in Madonna's apartment literally hours after his child was born a couple months ago. "This is one of the happiest days of my life. I know...I'll go share it with the old bag pop-star I've been fucking!"

Does Madonna's poon send out radio signals or something? "Come get me Alex. Don't worry about your wife who just gave birth. She'll be fine. And don't forget to bring lots of lube. You know how dried-up I am."

Keep it up you unbelievable scumbuckets.

Madonna's New Bat-Boy

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are as kaput as kaput can be. Of course, Madonna is not one to let her vagina get lonely...so she had to have another dick lined up. And that dick apparently belongs to the baseball player Alex Rodriguez.

Mr. Rodriguez, or "A-Rod" as I'm told he is known, has reportedly been sneaking out in the middle of the night to visit Madonna at her Central Park West apartment. He, like Madonna, is married and has kids.

Madonna has a long history of banging athletes, going back to her days with cross-dressing freakbag Dennis Rodman. Paging Posh: Don't leave David alone with Madonna!

Apparently, Mr. A-Rod is a big history buff. He's bagged himself a mummy. A mummy who could twist his head off like a bottle cap.