Brad Pitt Will Not Save Your Stupid Movie

Stories were going around that Brad Pitt had flown into London to shoot scenes as Moriarty in the new atrocious-looking Guy Ritchie-directed, Robert Downey, Jr.-starring Sherlock Holmes. Not so say the movie's producers.

"The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate," the statement reads. "Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we're extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009."

What did you expect them to say? "The movie sucks so many different kinds of ass that frankly we got tired of counting. We called Brad and asked him to come save our movie but he just laughed. Now we're pretty much fucked. Guess we've learned our lesson about letting Guy Ritchie anywhere near a movie script."

Guy's Father No Madonna Fan

Guy Ritchie's father has nothing but kind words for his son's ex-wife Madonna. Actually, no...Guy's old man can't stand the bitch, and is tickled that she is no longer part of her son's life. "Guy is better off [without her]," snarled the elder Ritchie. "He's in the States with the children at the moment. She's been here with a chap, a friend of hers. We hope she does have a lot of boyfriends because it means she won't ever get back together with Guy!" Old fart is just bitter he never got to take a shot at her.

Male Bonding

With divorce comes the inevitable competition to make the kids love you more than they do the ex-spouse. Guy Ritchie knows how to play this game well. "Bet you don't do fun stuff like this with your mom do you Rocco?" Um, no dad...mom makes them go to Kabbalah meetings and questions them endlessly about how she looks. "You don't think my arms are too veiny do you Rocco?" Of course they're going to end up preferring you. In fact, I doubt you even need to try that hard.

Barfly

Guy Ritchie has been spending most of his time getting loaded at the pub he owns. I think he should just hook up with Amy Winehouse and breathe her fumes. It's cheaper than booze and the buzz lasts longer. Just buy lots of bug spray and remember not to look at her face. Festering sores are not becoming.

Bad Influence

Weeks of anticipation culminated last night in Britney Spears' on-stage appearance with Madonna. Okay, I made up that part about "weeks of anticipation." I had no idea Britney was going to appear with Madonna. I didn't even know Madonna was still on tour. I thought she was off somewhere having all memories of Guy Ritchie fucked out of her by that dumb-ass baseball player guy. Let me get the obligatory "Britney's looking better" bit out of the way...

Gosh, Britney's looking lots better, isn't she? She's definitely back.

Okay, now on to the truthful part of the post: Clearly, the real Britney has been locked up somewhere and there's a lookalike running around pretending to be her. Meanwhile, Madonna continues her crusade to turn every man in the world homosexual. I would like to thank Madonna for this wonderful service, and ask her to please work on Hugh Jackman next. Having him go full-gay would more than make up for that whole Prop 8 fiasco.

Boring Chumps

Madonna and her little baseball-playing Dick of the Month Club winner Alex Rodriguez are all over the New York media for flying out to Jerry Seinfeld's place in the Hamptons on helicopters. They allegedly stayed there four hours before leaving. What did they do with the Seinfelds for four hours at the Seinfelds' house before flying off in helicopters like characters in some dumb-ass Tom Clancy novel? Perhaps we don't want to know. I wonder if this Rodriguez character is smart enough to realize he's being used by Madonna as a means of getting back at her husband Guy Ritchie for whatever she thinks Ritchie did to her. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he just wants his place on that rather long list of people who've fucked Madonna. Maybe he thinks when he gets to the end this will earn him a special place in whatever afterlife he believes in. "Oh, you did Madonna. There's a special VIP room for people like you. It's currently the size of North America but we're thinking of knocking out a wall."

Ticked Off Fake Religious Folk

Kabbalah leader Rabbi Berg is urging Madonna to settle her divorce from Guy Ritchie as quickly and painlessly as possible, so as to minimize damage to the fake religion's image. "Rabbi Berg's ultimate hope would be a reconciliation," a source said. "But that seems rather a distant hope so at best he would like to put an end to the public raking over of their marriage."

But Rabbi Berg, honey - for Madonna to heed your request, she would have to understand the concept of putting others before herself. And this idea does not exist in her world. Madonna's big huge ego demands that she turn the divorce into as horrific a public spectacle as possible, regardless of the collateral damage others in her circle might face. You might as well just hunker down and wait out the storm. Or I suppose you could just kick the bitch out of your religion. Yeah, I know - the fund-raising hit. You couldn't take it. Well, you know what they say about deals with the devil...

The Bickersons

Shocking revelation: Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage was a nightmare of clashing egos and verbal abuse. Friends of the couple claim Madonna enjoyed taunting Ritchie, saying, "'I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual.' Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him." Ritchie, no shrinking violet, would shoot back. "Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn't sing," a source says. Us Weekly claims Guy has wasted no time in getting back on his feet - he's currently fucking Kelly Reilly, an actress on his new Sherlock Holmes film. "Is that what a vagina is supposed to look like? My God, I'd forgotten."

Fake Brits Stick Together

Gwyneth Paltrow is helping her old pal Madonna navigate the rough road of divorce from Guy Ritchie. "She's a very good friend," Paltrow told reporters. "I'm supporting her in all the ways that I can. I'm just there for her. I speak to her a lot." I'm sure those conversations are very pithy. Must be hilarious listening to these two twats talk to each other in their fake accents. I hope Gwyneth is keeping lots of notes. Afterward she can share her new insights on Goop.com, her website for bullshit that pops into her head.

Get Over Thyselves

Guy Ritchie thinks Madonna is spying on him. A source told the Sun about a family meeting Guy convened at the mansion to work out strategy in his media war against Vadge, and Guy's belief that certain pro-Madonna members of the staff eavesdropped on said summit and fed Madonna the intelligence. "When Guy found out he lost the plot," the source reports. "He said, 'How can you set fire to our whole world? Why go to such lengths to destroy me?' But Guy knows it would be unusual if Madonna wasn't monitoring his every move." These people really do take themselves awfully seriously don't they? Makes it hard for me to root for either side. Yes, I'd like to see Madonna get raked over the coals - but then again, I still harbor so many unpleasant memories of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels that I also wouldn't mind seeing Guy suffer. 'Tis a quandary, for sure.

A Boy's Best Friend Is His Mother

Guy Ritchie's mama Lady Amber Leighton isn't having any of that crap Madonna has been slinging at her boy in the wake of their break-up. Two days after Madonna called Guy an emotional retard at one of her shows, Lady Amber shot back, "[Madonna] can never resist having a pop, even now when it's not the most appropriate time. Imagine living with that snarky attitude the whole time."

Lady Amber may support her son but she doesn't feel any pity for him. "Guy chose to take this route, he knew what he was doing when he married her and got involved with that end of the market," she said. "He knew when he got into this relationship it was the price he would have to pay."

That end of the market? Did she just slam Madonna for being a low-rent slag? Oh you have to love the British. It always boils down to class finally doesn't it? Madonna can have all the money she wants and move to London and affect an accent but to people like Lady Amber Leighton she'll always be some little piece of garbage from Detroit who should be shining silver and saying "Yes, mum. No, mum." I'm sure Madonna could just feel the contempt too. There's nothing like a dose of pure British snobbery to put you in your place.

Not To Be Outdone...

Guy Ritchie has had plenty to say to friends behind-the-scenes about the break-up of his marriage to Madonna. For example...would you be shocked to learn that Guy thinks Madonna is stuck on herself to the point of delusion? "She’s obsessed with her own public image, obsessed with being seen as some kind of global soothsayer," Guy reportedly told friends. "It’s silly, she’s a pop star."

Guy also apparently irritated Madonna by bad-mouthing Kabbalah, the fake religion she's taken as her own. "Guy’s initial support and interest in Kabbalah turned to annoyance and hatred," a source revealed. "Guy doesn’t believe Kabbalah is a religion on a par with Christianity. He thinks a lot of it is hokum - which has infuriated Madonna.”

And Christianity isn't hokum?

I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for Guy. He married Madonna for the sake of his dopey movie directing career. Now he'll get a bunch of money out of her. Can he please just go away? Would that be too much to ask?

Class Act

It didn't take Madonna long to start bad-mouthing Guy Ritchie. The human vaginal sore took after soon-to-be-ex-husband last night at her Boston gig during an intro to one of her songs, saying, "[This is for the] emotionally retarded ... You might know a few people who fall into that category ... God knows I do." Like yourself? And everyone who listens to your music? Dear Madonna: What could be greater evidence of emotional retardation than slamming someone you allegedly once loved in front of thousands of people? Yes, I realize divorces come with a lot of hurt and bitterness and recrimination but most people aren't low-rent enough to go declaring that shit before whole arenas full of complete strangers. I guess fake spirituality doesn't make you a better person after all.

Homewrecker

Shocking news: Madonna and Alex Rodriguez have been doing their "romantic" icky things while Madge was supposedly using Kabbalah power to patch things up with husband Guy Ritchie. Oh really? So Rodriguez is just a big dumb homewrecker and Madonna is another old twat clinging desperately to the last shreds of her youth. Oh my. I think I may faint.

It's Really Over This Time Really Really

Madonna and Guy Ritchie gave their marriage another go but apparently whatever they were trying didn't work and now they're divorcing for real. "Guy Ritchie is responsible for wanting this divorce now," a source revealed. "He didn't want to wait to break the news, it had gone on along enough. This marriage was over a long time ago."

"All her friends and family have known all along," another source added. "They had to keep it under wraps and really tried to work things out. They tried for years, actually.

"They thought their belief in Kabbalah could help, but it's unfortunately hard for Madonna to hold on to anybody in her life. Thank God she has the kids."

So Kabbalah isn't strong enough to keep people's egos from spiraling out of control and ruining their relationships? What the fuck is religion good for if it can't keep people's selfishness and vanity in check? Why don't any of these wads ever apply a dash of logic and realize all their hocus pocus isn't doing them a lick of good and their whole problem is that they are who they are and no amount of mumbo jumbo will ever change that? Hmm?

Bullshit, Sherlock

Robert Downey, Jr. is playing Sherlock Holmes in a new movie directed by, of all people, Guy Ritchie. So this will be the Sherlock Holmes movie where everyone swears a lot and shoots machine guns and Madonna shows up but no one can tell if she's a man or a woman? I could be prevailed upon to be down with the idea of Downey as Holmes - he's just so damned entertaining, Downey is - but not with uber-hack Ritchie at the helm. And what, by the way, is going on with the hat? That my friends is not a Sherlock Holmes hat. That is a Charlie Chaplin hat. And Downey already played Charlie Chaplin once and that movie sucked scrotum. And I'm also pretty sure there was no Starbucks in Sherlock's time. This thing is fucked already.

New Couple

Guy Ritchie and Jeremy Piven can no longer hide their love. Ritchie needed someone soft and feminine after all those years with Madonna.

Christopher Ciccone Talks Madonna

Christopher Ciccone does not seem like a fool. He seems thoughtful and articulate and serious. He is obviously also resentful of Madonna...and he hates homophobic Guy Ritchie's guts. The best bit is when he talks about how Kabbalah "validates Madonna's bad behavior." He suggests that Madonna gets away with being a bully and an asshole more readily now because she's "got God on her side." There is no bigger signal of self-righteousness and egomania than thinking your words carry authority bestowed upon you by God. That's edging into psychosis.

Still Together

Madonna and Guy Ritchie took the trouble to go out together where there were photographers. They also brought Rocco and Lourdes along. Madonna's brother Christopher was not with them however. Madonna is probably mad at Christopher over the tell-all book he's releasing, even though there's nothing particularly revelatory in said book (Warren Beatty was worried about her cheating on him? So he went through her trash? Gosh!).

I'm wondering why Madonna and Guy are going through with this. Is it for the kids? Everyone knows they're over. They should just let it die. Poor Alex Rodriguez is waiting for his soulmate Madonna to be free.

Madonna Surfaces

The firestorm swirls around Madonna's head, yet she continues going about her Madonnaly business. Is it fair to refer to the Rodriguez/Madonna/Ritchie/Kravitz/Rodriguez business as a "firestorm?"

I don't doubt for a second that Madonna roped in Alex and made him her Kabbalah sex slave. She can't keep her hands off the Latin boys. And he doesn't strike me as the MENSA sort, making him a prime candidate for seduction via fad religion. I don't blame Cynthia for dropping him like a bad habit. He seems like a primo dirtbag. The only innocent victim here is poor Lenny Kravitz, who just wants to smoke dope and make terrible music.