Yesterday was all full of news about Anna Nicole Smith. Now, in my capacity as a pseudo-journalist, I have an obligation to report on this stuff - even if it is the most boring load of bullshit in the history of the world. I mean, here's the story as it should be told: Anna Nicole Smith was a druggie, she died, some sleazy people are fighting over her body, money, kid, etc., THE END. But that's not good enough. Ugh - all right, let me just get this over with...
Anna Nicole News Rundown:
Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead appeared in court yesterday, along with Anna Nicole's mother Virgie. What the hell kind of name is Virgie? Sounds like a cute word for some kind of food product. Have a Virgie...
Boring!
Judge Larry Seidlin made Howard K. Stern spell Dannielynn's name, apparently trying to make a fool of him. Okay Howard. Now spell "douchebag." D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G. Ding, ding! You move on to the lightning round!
Still boring!
Larry Birkhead's lawyer Deb Opri accused Howard K. Stern of killing Anna Nicole.
Holy shit. Can she do that? What a bitch.
Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole was "his whole world." Sort of a pitiful world there, Howard. Not really a planet, more like an asteroid. And you were an astronaut then I guess, exploring Anna Nicole? Do any spelunking Howard? Oh, I bet you did. And yodeling too - quite an echo in there. Carlsbad Caverns.
Yes, hilarious.
Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole wanted to be buried near Marilyn Monroe. Spokespeople for Monroe said Marilyn is sick of her name coming up in the Anna Nicole story, and could people please compare Anna Nicole to someone else for awhile, Mamie Van Doren perhaps?
Leave Marilyn alone!
Howard K. Stern told the court that Anna Nicole was inordinately worried about bugs getting into her coffin after she died, and that she talked repeatedly about where she and Daniel would be buried.
Don't know what to say about that. Little sick...
Howard K. Stern's DNA was subpoenaed. Spokespeople for Howard K. Stern's DNA said blah blah blah blah blahbittity blah...
Howard K. Stern said he didn't want to marry Anna Nicole because then people would've called him a gold-digger. So he killed her and now people call him a murderer.
We're rolling now...
Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole was upset her mom Virgie said she and Howard were responsible for Daniel's death. Ooh, and the medical examiner said Anna Nicole's body was deteriorating faster than usual and could everyone please speed it up because he was running out of those little pine-tree air fresheners...
Judge Seidlin allowed Howard K. Stern to return to the Bahamas for the night. Can I go to the Bahamas judge Seidlin?
Yay Bahamas!
