And It Begins...

Lourdes, recreating mommy Madonna's famous "Like a Virgin" bit. Between this little tramp and Michael Jackson's scary kids, I'm beginning to feel like we've all slipped into a sort of Twilight Zone where the '80s icons we're tired of come back as their own even-more-evil children.

Please tell me Boy George doesn't have a kid stashed somewhere.

Is He Just Pretending?

Sacha Baron Cohen really enjoys dressing up as Bruno, the gay character he plays in his upcoming movie. Really, really enjoys it. Almost enough to make one suspicious.

Hmmm...and then there was that whole bit with Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards. That was just for yuks? And Cohen's frolic with Ken Davitian in Borat. And that time I caught him humping George Michael in the bushes. And that other time I went over to Boy George's house and found Sacha handcuffed to a radiator with fresh bruises all over him. And that other time - I get around - when I went to take a leak and there was Sacha sprawled on the tiles getting well and truly fucked in the ass by John Mayer. It's enough to make a guy wonder.

Fat Freak Now Fat Inmate

Boy George has reported to jail where he will spend up to the next 15 months as punishment for chaining some fag to his radiator and making him listen to Culture Club (Dick Cheney would be taking notes if he weren't busy moving). Reports say Boy has already gotten on the nerves of other prisoners by securing a cushy canteen job (would you like some semen with that gruel?). Here's hoping he never comes out. Yeah, I said it - I hope some fool sticks a shiv in this fat useless motherfucker.

Bye Boy

Boy George will go to jail for 15 months for chaining up a male prostitute in his flat. The judge called George's actions "callous" and "degrading." Well duh judge...that's the point. You don't do the bondage thing because you're a lovely guy...you do it because you have a black hole where your soul should be. Now Boy can get his rocks off in new and wonderful ways inside jail. I almost envy him.

Guess The Fat Homo

Oh my goodness...it's Boy George. He was once a pop-star, but now he's just another fat, pervy old fruit. Memo to Boy: When they say they want to be uncuffed, uncuff them. I know it's fun but it ain't worth jail.

Poor Boy

Boy George has been found guilty of false imprisonment for handcuffing escort Audun Carlsen and beating him with a metal chain. George is sure to receive a jail sentence for this which in his case would be better than a trip to Club Med. I do think it's sad though that we live in a world where a man can be thrown in the slammer just for being a bit kinky. What's next? Sex-dungeon raids? Prison terms for tying somebody to a bed and slapping them silly with a dead fish? No more nipple-clamps hooked up to car batteries? Slippery slope, people.

Sure, Boy

Fat old washed-up junkie queen Boy George wants to eliminate "junkie" from the preceding characterization. "I've been strung out on drugs for the past five years," said Boy. "But this time I'm clean for good - I don't want to die. I've spent five years in this chemical cloud. Getting clean at the end of 2007 was a very big thing. I was using half my brain, half my personality. Now I know it won't happen again. I was like an old man; I could barely walk because I was using so much, now I'm completely clean."

Half your brain? The night you called the cops to your place when you had cocaine out in plain view? Come on. Maybe 10%. Okay, 15%...but that was just to remember "911."

Boy George Fears for Wino

Boy George is worried about Amy Winehouse, and thinks someone in her circle needs to haul her away from the stage until she gets well.

"You can't stop someone taking drugs, I know that, but you can certainly stop them performing. Somebody needs to stop her going onstage.

"I've been in that place... I know exactly what it's like and I know how bad it is for her.

"I mean there's nothing of her... she's emaciated. It just breaks my heart to see it. Who is around to drag her off the stage?"

I don't know Boy...maybe you should do it. Just grab her little stick-arm and haul her away. Then chain her to a wall someplace like you did with that man-whore who accused you of kidnapping him. I'd love to see what would happen if you tried it. Amy would eat you for lunch, then puke you, dry you out and snort you.

Boy George Charged With False Imprisonment

The Crabbie Way-Back Machine rewinds to April. Boy George, '80s pop-icon and latter-day stroppy queen, is accused by male escort Auden Carlsen of kidnapping him and chaining him to a wall. George laughs off the accusations. People think Mr. Carlsen is making the whole thing up in a sick grab for publicity.

Well guess what folks - the accusations by Mr. Carlsen were taken seriously by the only ones who matter: the police. And now the police have decided to charge Boy George with false imprisonment, which carries a maximum sentence of life in real prison.

George, who surrendered himself to police yesterday and was bailed, will have to face magistrates next week. Without a big poop-splatter on his head. Hopefully.

(source)

Boy George Amused By Kidnap Charges

Boy George finds the kidnap and assault charges leveled against him completely laughable.

Male escort Auden Carlsen has accused George of luring him to a London flat under false pretenses, then chaining him to a wall and threatening to do him bodily harm. However, says George's brother Kevin, Mr. Carlsen is not even close to credible:

The bloke [Carlsen] has done a fair bit of modelling for our clothes shop, so how can what he said be true? George isn't at all annoyed at the allegations, in fact, he thinks it's hilarious. ... Yeah, he was arrested, but the police are always going to follow it up when someone makes a complaint like that.

Okay, so George probably didn't do what this Carlsen clown alleges - fine. But don't try to tell me George isn't annoyed, because George spends his entire life annoyed, and a thing like this is bound to ratchet the annoyance up at least three or four more notches. In fact, I think there's a good chance George will now do something genuinely criminal, just because he's so torqued off. Hopefully, whatever he does will lead to a shoot-out, and there will be video of George's bullet-riddled corpse for us to enjoy.

(source)

Boy George Arrested For Imprisoning Male Escort

Singer Boy George is in a heap of trouble after being accused by a male escort of kidnap, imprisonment and threatened torture.

The alleged victim, 28-year-old Norwegian Auden Carlsen, says he met Boy George on the homosexual dating website Gaydar, and was invited by the singer to go to his East London flat at midnight and pose for pictures. Once at the flat, however, George and another man allegedly slapped handcuffs on Carlsen and made him a captive. Said Carlsen to Britain's Star newspaper:

George said he was popping out for milk at 5am. I heard him come back and I walked into his bedroom wearing just my white underpants and a T-shirt. I was jumped on by George and another man. ... George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.

Carlsen says that, after the other man left, George took out some kinky sex toys and began threatening to physically harm him. It was then that Carlsen pulled the hook from the wall and fled, finally alerting police who arrested George on suspicion of assault and false imprisonment. George has since made bail, but when reached for comment, was predictably not available.

George, an '80s pop-icon who fell on hard times thanks to heroin addiction, has had other run-ins with the law, including a famous incident in which he was convicted of drug possession in New York, and sentenced to a community service stint that included picking up garbage on the streets of Manhattan. George has also had some well-publicized temper-tantrums, like the one last October that saw him verbally abusing a group of young people who taunted him at an awards show. And, in general, the guy is just a pathetic old queen who doesn't realize that no one gives a damn about him anymore. Like Elton John but with a sunnier disposition.

(source)

Boy George Threatens Jeering Youths. With Physical Violence. Yes, That Boy George.

Noted coke-sniffing wash-out/one-time cross-dressing pop-star Boy George has quite the temper on him, as a group of vociferous teens learned during an incident at the recent Vodafone Live Music Awards (I know, I've never heard of them either).

George, who recently completed a stint as a sidewalk-sweeper in New York after being nailed for possession (which I never get sick of pointing out), was giving interviews at the awards presentation when some young people began furiously heckling him. Incensed by the youngsters' jeers, George began shouting back such witty rejoinders as, "I know I'm a queer. Shut your mouth 'til I knock you out," and "bend over and be quiet."

When this failed to stem the cascade of pubescent negativity, George ran over to the window the teens were behind and whipped his champagne glass at it (you know somebody's a tough guy when they start flinging flues).

George insists that he was actually calm during the whole affair, saying, "otherwise they'd be dead."

What is it that makes these old queens like Boy George and Elton John so angry? I'm not that angry. Ok, maybe back in my younger days, before I discovered the wonders of Xanax, but not anymore. No. Now I'm the picture of tranquility. Rowdy adolescents could shout epithets at me all day and I'd just keep smiling and smiling. And smiling. And smiling...

Boy George Claims Abuse

Singer Boy George, fresh off his well-publicized five-day community service stint, is making outrageous claims about his treatment while in lock-up. "...when I was arrested the police were really hideous to me," says the pop-sensation-turned-publicity-seeking-dopehead. "I just couldn't understand why they would be so bad - they wouldn't even give you water so I had to drink my own urine in the cells. Seriously. ... I thought, 'What have I done to deserve this? What happened to beyond reasonable doubt?''"

A very good question, Boy. What did happen to "beyond reasonable doubt?" Maybe it's gone to the same place as your sense of reality. And your taste in fashion. And your dignity. Seriously, you had to drink your own urine? What did it taste like exactly? I'm guessing it probably didn't taste like shame, since you don't have an ounce of it in your soft, mushy, pie-fed body. And as to another statement of yours: "All my life I've thought, 'I never want to get in trouble with the law in America.'" I find that statement amusing, considering the fact that you called the cops to your own apartment, and there just happened to be a bunch of cocaine sitting on the desk which they just happened to find. And you just happened to get arrested and chucked in jail, where they just happened to force you to drink your own urine. And then you happened to get sentenced to community service which put you on a sidewalk with a lot of cameras and reporters around. Hmm. Seems like a lot of accidental publicity has been coming your way lately Boy. And I'd guess a bit more of it is going to come now that you've revealed the way the New York cops so horribly mistreated you. Maybe, now that you've got everyone's attention (and we do love having people's attention, don't we Boy?), you can just go for broke, and reveal that your whole life you've been nothing but a pathetic no-talent drug-addict pathological liar. Ought to get at least a Larry King interview out of that.

(source)

Crabbie's Rundown: Pink Says Lay Off Mel, Beyonce Stays Focused, Boy George Un-Diva-Like

Pink Likes Mel

Pop-star Pink says people should forgive Mel Gibson for the hideous anti-Semitic remarks he made after being nailed for DUI. "I'm a fan of his work," says the fugly faux-punkster. "I think anybody with opinions like that needs well-wishing. And I'm Jewish. Alcohol makes you do crazy things."

Wait a sec. Pink is Jewish? What's her real name then? Pearl Pinkofsky?

(source)

Beyonce No Lauryn Hill

Singer/actress/booty-shaker Beyonce says she has no intention of ending up like Lauryn Hill, the ex-Fugees songstress who had a smash hit with her solo record The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, then went so nutty from the pressures of success that she shaved her head and fled to the wilds of Brooklyn. "I'll never lose myself like Lauryn," says the big-butted Beyonce, adding, "I don't know what's going to happen to me but I know I'm more than a singer and I have so many other things in my life to keep me focused." Like booty-shaking. Shaking of the booty. Repeated sudden lateral movements of the hips resulting in jelly-like undulations throughout the fatty tissues of the posterior, better known as booty-shaking.

(source)

Boy George a Good Old Boy

Boy George is not a bad sort at all, at least according to the guy responsible for supervising his recent stint as a sanitation worker. "George has responded extremely well," says New York city worker Jeremy Pearce. "He did it very conscientiously. He liked the people he was working with, both those who were doing community service and the sanitation people. It was hard but he enjoyed it. People were surprised. They thought he'd be a diva."

Ah-ha. That's it. The cure for chronic over-the-top bitchiness. Somebody needs to prescribe some sidewalk-sweeping to Elton John, pronto.

(source)

Do I Really Wanna Hurt You? Actually, Yes.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not have a fling with Boy George back in the eighties. Boy George was a heroin addict back then, and I always had a strict policy against sleeping with heroin addicts. Plus I thought he was a wanker. And that cross-dressing Japanese Rastafarian look wasn't doing anything for me either. Now he's going around with what looks like a Star-of-David shaved into the top of his dome. What the hell's that about? Maybe he thinks he's being daring and subversive.

By the way, sweeping streets for community service is not fun. I had to do that one time after a run-in with some Hasidic guys over in Brooklyn (okay, I admit, I was bombed out of my mind). No less than three old flings came by to throw garbage in my path, then take pictures while I swept it up. It was humiliating. But I did learn my lesson about getting wasted and shouting insults at Hasidic guys. Much like doing tequila shots with Mel Gibson, it may look like fun at first, but afterword you'll regret it.