Elton John Looks Like an Old Queen. Which is Appropriate, Cause He is One.

Elton John appears at the Moves for AIDS event in Sydney. I've known some angry queens in my time, but this guy beats them all. One of these days I think his head is going to just explode with rage, scattering hunks of pasty flesh, tinted sunglasses and bad hair-plugs to the four winds.

Boy George Threatens Jeering Youths. With Physical Violence. Yes, That Boy George.

Noted coke-sniffing wash-out/one-time cross-dressing pop-star Boy George has quite the temper on him, as a group of vociferous teens learned during an incident at the recent Vodafone Live Music Awards (I know, I've never heard of them either).

George, who recently completed a stint as a sidewalk-sweeper in New York after being nailed for possession (which I never get sick of pointing out), was giving interviews at the awards presentation when some young people began furiously heckling him. Incensed by the youngsters' jeers, George began shouting back such witty rejoinders as, "I know I'm a queer. Shut your mouth 'til I knock you out," and "bend over and be quiet."

When this failed to stem the cascade of pubescent negativity, George ran over to the window the teens were behind and whipped his champagne glass at it (you know somebody's a tough guy when they start flinging flues).

George insists that he was actually calm during the whole affair, saying, "otherwise they'd be dead."

What is it that makes these old queens like Boy George and Elton John so angry? I'm not that angry. Ok, maybe back in my younger days, before I discovered the wonders of Xanax, but not anymore. No. Now I'm the picture of tranquility. Rowdy adolescents could shout epithets at me all day and I'd just keep smiling and smiling. And smiling. And smiling...

Gest's Civil Suit Thrown Out. Liza Wants to SING!

A judge has tossed out David Gest's $10 million civil suit against ex-wife Liza Minnelli, which claimed that a drunken Minnelli had beaten him to the point of giving him chronic headaches.

The judge, New York Supreme Court Justice Jane Solomon, dismissed the lawsuit because Gest's doctors "failed to rebut Minnelli's medical experts, who said Gest's headaches were caused by a strain of herpes" and not by beatings.

So now poor David doesn't get the $10 million, and on top of that, everyone knows he has herpes. Great lawsuit!

David Gest - all he does is give creepy old queens a bad name. And Liza Minnelli - you've finally managed it, haven't you Liza? You've achieved your life-long goal of surpassing your mother as the most heinous drug-addled shrew of all-time.

Have a double on me Liza. You've earned it.

Crabbie's Rundown: Pink Says Lay Off Mel, Beyonce Stays Focused, Boy George Un-Diva-Like

Pink Likes Mel

Pop-star Pink says people should forgive Mel Gibson for the hideous anti-Semitic remarks he made after being nailed for DUI. "I'm a fan of his work," says the fugly faux-punkster. "I think anybody with opinions like that needs well-wishing. And I'm Jewish. Alcohol makes you do crazy things."

Wait a sec. Pink is Jewish? What's her real name then? Pearl Pinkofsky?

(source)

Beyonce No Lauryn Hill

Singer/actress/booty-shaker Beyonce says she has no intention of ending up like Lauryn Hill, the ex-Fugees songstress who had a smash hit with her solo record The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, then went so nutty from the pressures of success that she shaved her head and fled to the wilds of Brooklyn. "I'll never lose myself like Lauryn," says the big-butted Beyonce, adding, "I don't know what's going to happen to me but I know I'm more than a singer and I have so many other things in my life to keep me focused." Like booty-shaking. Shaking of the booty. Repeated sudden lateral movements of the hips resulting in jelly-like undulations throughout the fatty tissues of the posterior, better known as booty-shaking.

(source)

Boy George a Good Old Boy

Boy George is not a bad sort at all, at least according to the guy responsible for supervising his recent stint as a sanitation worker. "George has responded extremely well," says New York city worker Jeremy Pearce. "He did it very conscientiously. He liked the people he was working with, both those who were doing community service and the sanitation people. It was hard but he enjoyed it. People were surprised. They thought he'd be a diva."

Ah-ha. That's it. The cure for chronic over-the-top bitchiness. Somebody needs to prescribe some sidewalk-sweeping to Elton John, pronto.

(source)

Scarlett Johansson v. Andrew Lloyd Webber

It's official - Scarlett Johansson and Andrew Lloyd Webber are feuding. Round one between the buxom starlet and the musical-theater god took place several months ago, when Webber accused Johansson of backing out of his West End production of The Sound of Music because her handlers were unimpressed with the money being offered. Now Johansson has kicked off round two by firing a left-hook right at Webber's jaw (don't you just love my pugilistic metaphors?), claiming she couldn't have backed out of the production because she never agreed to do it in the first place, and going on to accuse Webber of throwing her name around for the sole purpose of promoting his new competition show, How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?, which will give a group of unknowns a chance to win the role Johansson herself turned down. Cattiness.

I stand second-to-none in my love for Andrew Lloyd Webber (Cats is better than anything that old drunk Shakespeare ever dreamed up in my humble opinion), but I have to admit, Scarlett Johansson is starting to win me over to her side in this. It does begin to look like Webber brought Scarlett's name into the whole thing just to help him sell his show. Gosh, I hope Scarlett doesn't do anything rash like sic Josh Hartnett on Webber. Or even worse, what if Scarlett herself went after him? That chick seems a little psycho to me; she'd be liable to stick Webber with a pen-knife or something. Damn.

(source)

Do I Really Wanna Hurt You? Actually, Yes.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not have a fling with Boy George back in the eighties. Boy George was a heroin addict back then, and I always had a strict policy against sleeping with heroin addicts. Plus I thought he was a wanker. And that cross-dressing Japanese Rastafarian look wasn't doing anything for me either. Now he's going around with what looks like a Star-of-David shaved into the top of his dome. What the hell's that about? Maybe he thinks he's being daring and subversive.

By the way, sweeping streets for community service is not fun. I had to do that one time after a run-in with some Hasidic guys over in Brooklyn (okay, I admit, I was bombed out of my mind). No less than three old flings came by to throw garbage in my path, then take pictures while I swept it up. It was humiliating. But I did learn my lesson about getting wasted and shouting insults at Hasidic guys. Much like doing tequila shots with Mel Gibson, it may look like fun at first, but afterword you'll regret it.