Herr Cruise

Valkyrie got its Berlin premiere. Tom showed up so everyone would know it's all good between Germany and Scientology after that whole trying to ban the cult thing. Katie showed up cause, well, Tom told her to. The clock is definitely ticking on this marriage. Katie's 30, and as soon as Dakota Fanning reaches a semi-appropriate age...

Nice Try

This isn't Dakota Fanning playing a cheerleader in a movie - it's Dakota actually cheerleading at her school. Oh right. Dakota's just a regular kid like every other kid...who offends cancer patients and pisses off her directors by refusing to leave her trailer when she doesn't like something. This bitch's life is a Disney TV show waiting to happen. Dakota Montana. Her little sister Elle could play her.

The Very Face of Evil

Dakota Fanning made no friends on the set of her new movie Winged Creatures. She especially irked the director, Rowan Woods, who calls her a diva (there are more descriptive words he could've used I'm sure but he's probably a gentleman or maybe he's afraid of the little bitch). Woods says Fanning once refused to leave her trailer because her scene wasn't being shot first, and also claims she was "intensely jealous" of her teenage co-star Josh Hutcherson. Woods has gotten revenge on the little cunt by largely excising her from the film, an ensemble piece also starring Forest Whitaker, Guy Pearce and Kate Beckinsale.

"She is a gorgeous girl ... but she was the disaster," Woods says. "There was something about her presence that wasn't ringing true. Most of our work was cutting her scenes and a lot of her scenes were cut."

Someone thinks awfully highly of herself, eh? I'm sorry but I'm still waiting for evidence that Dakota is this indispensable little budding film goddess. What has she ever done besides scream her head off four two hours in War of the Worlds? Oh, and offend every young cancer victim in the world with her tantrum about "not wanting to look like those kids" when she was taken to visit a hospital ahead of a part she was playing (and eventually lost because she refused to shave her precious little head). I know it's wrong to root for children to have their lives ruined, but I really hope this bitch ends up like Tatum O'Neal. Just a complete puke-stained trainwreck.

Billy Crystal Outs Jake Gyllenhaal

The DVD commentary for the new edition of City Slickers (why the world needed one of those is beyond me) features a juicy revelation by star Billy Crystal about the actor who played his 10-year-old son.

“He was always performing,” said Crystal of the lad. “He would sing from South Pacific and we’d all go, ‘He’s gay, he’s going to be gay.’”

And which young future star was cast in the role of Crystal's spawn in that particular film? None other than Jake Gyllenhaal.

And now you know...the rest of the story.

(Unless Crystal made the whole thing up as a way of trying to move more copies of the special edition of City Slickers. This could prove a bit of marketing genius. If it catches on...look out for lots more revelations down the road:

Future DVD Special Edition of War of the Worlds. Tom Cruise on Dakota Fanning. "I'll never forget the day I caught Dakota pleasuring herself with a bratwurst. I said to her, 'That looks like fun. Can I try?' It was a great bonding moment for us...")

Dakota Fanning Is An Evil Little Bitch

We no longer have to despise Dakota Fanning for vaguely defined, probably irrational reasons - now there's a good, solid, concrete reason for hating the little bitch's guts.

It comes to us from Crazy Days and Nights - a story about the "real reason" Dakota didn't want to shave her head for a role in a movie (she has since dropped out of the project). I quote:

The film is My Sister's Keeper which is based on a 2004 novel of the same name about a sister who sues her parents to stop them from using her as a genetic guinea pig for her sister who has leukemia.

In preparation for the role, Dakota went to a hospital with the director Nick Cassavetes to see child cancer patients. In a room filled with patients, Dakota in a very loud voice said something along the lines of, "there is no way I will ever shave my head and look like these kids." Every kid in the room heard what she said. Since that day Nick Cassavetes can almost always be seen wearing a shirt that says FDF. The DF stands for Dakota Fanning. I will let you guess what the other F stands for.

Nick better be careful - someone might misinterpret the first "F" and bring him up on pedo charges.

Why does it make me so happy to realize that Dakota is such a flaming little bitch? Is it merely the intense satisfaction that always attends the confirmation of one's instincts? Or am I just glad to have someone new to rip, given how tired I am of bashing Angelina, Tom, Keira and the rest?

All I can says is...thank you Dakota Fanning. Thank you for being an entitled little shit who cares nothing about the feelings of cancer victims. Are you sure you're not Tyra Banks' illegitimate daughter, by the way? It wouldn't surprise me if you were.

I wonder if Jane Fonda was thinking of Dakota when she had her little profane moment on the Today Show the other day...

(source)

Dakota Fanning Scares Vampires

I know Dakota Fanning's still way young and therefore supposedly off-limits but...all right, let me put this delicately. Sometimes people who are really cute when they're young...let's just say they don't necessarily grow up still cute. Sometimes...oh Christ, I can't help it. What the hell is up with her head? And why is she so pale? Is she anemic or something? I'm not making fun, I'm just asking. I'm concerned, okay?

I Have Seen The Future, And It Is Sort Of Boring

The Kids' Choice Awards are great, cause we get to see things we normally wouldn't see - like Jamie Lynn Spears hanging out with Dakota Fanning and her sister Elle.

Okay, first of all, Elle - I know you're happy to be at a big awards show and all, but do you think you could knock it down just a notch or two? I don't really think anyone should be that glad to be anywhere. Plus if you hold that expression for another minute you're going to need new teeth. Second of all, Jamie Lynn - you are the luckiest chick on earth, aren't you? Cause you've got Britney Spears for a big sister. I mean, there's not a lick of pressure on you, is there? No matter what you do, you can't possibly screw your life up worse than she has - so it's smooth sailing for you from now on. Hey, maybe you'll even go to college and get a real job as an investment banker or something and actually live a real, fruitful life. Or possibly you will do lots of drugs and wind up giving blow-jobs behind a Jack In The Box.

Oh, and Dakota - no, I haven't forgotten about you honey. You adorable little cherub you. My goodness, aren't you growing up fast? Already you look like Goldie Hawn after a rough weekend. What's next for you I wonder? Pole-dancing lessons? A hot Saturday night with Wilmer Valderrama? A pierced clitoral hood? Sky's the limit for you, Dakota dear. Um, one piece of advice though - if Tom Cruise ever asks you out on a date? Kick him in the balls and run.

Dakota Fanning Is One Pissed-Off Tween

Dakota Fanning may seem like an adorable little munchkin on the outside, but don't let that fool you - girl's got some fangs already. Obviously, having been on the Hollywood scene since she was a blastocyst, Dakota has learned a few things. Like how to lash out against the press. Knowledge she's putting to good use in the wake of criticism over her appearance in a rape scene in the new movie Hounddog, which is currently showing at the Sundance Festival.

Oddly, people are behaving a bit squeamishly about the idea of a 12-year-old playing a sexual assault scene in a film. Especially religious groups, who've been mostly going after Fanning's parents and the film's makers, questioning their judgment in allowing the youngster to do that sort of thing. And this is what has raised Dakota's ire. Quoth Dakota:

"When it gets to the point of attacking my mother, my agent ... my teacher, who were all on the set that day, that started to make me mad. ... I can let other things go, but when people start to talk about my mother, like, that's really bad in my opinion ... that's an attack, and that's not fair. They hadn't seen the movie."

Well, somebody's schooled Dakota well in the art of celebrity indignation. If I hadn't known any better I might've thought that was Catherine Zeta-Jones or Jennifer Aniston speaking. You know, somebody who's long been known for tearing into the press. But no, it's little Dakota. Sweet, innocent little Dakota. Who is about three years and a boob job away from being Lindsay Lohan.

Run Dakota

Dakota Fanning attends a special screening of Charlotte's Web. Oh my God! It's happening again!