The Kids' Choice Awards are great, cause we get to see things we normally wouldn't see - like Jamie Lynn Spears hanging out with Dakota Fanning and her sister Elle.
Okay, first of all, Elle - I know you're happy to be at a big awards show and all, but do you think you could knock it down just a notch or two? I don't really think anyone should be that glad to be anywhere. Plus if you hold that expression for another minute you're going to need new teeth. Second of all, Jamie Lynn - you are the luckiest chick on earth, aren't you? Cause you've got Britney Spears for a big sister. I mean, there's not a lick of pressure on you, is there? No matter what you do, you can't possibly screw your life up worse than she has - so it's smooth sailing for you from now on. Hey, maybe you'll even go to college and get a real job as an investment banker or something and actually live a real, fruitful life. Or possibly you will do lots of drugs and wind up giving blow-jobs behind a Jack In The Box.
Oh, and Dakota - no, I haven't forgotten about you honey. You adorable little cherub you. My goodness, aren't you growing up fast? Already you look like Goldie Hawn after a rough weekend. What's next for you I wonder? Pole-dancing lessons? A hot Saturday night with Wilmer Valderrama? A pierced clitoral hood? Sky's the limit for you, Dakota dear. Um, one piece of advice though - if Tom Cruise ever asks you out on a date? Kick him in the balls and run.
