From Stud To Duds

Studmuffin Hugh Jackman has been booted as Oscar host after one year, and will be replaced by banjo-playing grandpa Steve Martin and crazed liberal child-verbal-abuser Alec Baldwin.

"We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars," said show producers in a statement. "Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event."

Fresh personality? How about psychotic personality? Is there any chance of Baldwin getting through the event without going off on Bill O'Reilly and/or ex-wife Kim Basinger?

Actually, that could be entertaining. Not the rant itself but the sight of Baldwin's head getting purpler and purpler and the foam spewing out of his mouth. And him clutching his chest and collapsing into a twitching heap on the stage.

And Steve Martin distracting everyone from Baldwin's myocardial infarction by breaking into a banjo solo.

Eh...I'd still rather just look at Hugh.

Nearly Offed Himself

Certifiable lunatic Alec Baldwin claims his exposure as the world's most revolting excuse for a father caused him to contemplate taking his own life.

Baldwin's long dark night of the soul began when a verbally abusive voicemail he left for his daughter Ireland ("rude little pig") was released to the public, touching off an ugly backlash.

But Baldwin finally decided not to kill himself because, he says, "If I committed suicide, [ex-wife Kim Basinger] would have considered that a victory. Destroying me was [her] avowed goal.

And for once in your life you couldn't just give Kim what she wanted? God damn it Baldwin, why must you be so stubborn?

Bad Baldwin

Alec Baldwin refuses to let the whole Kim Basinger thing rest. "Think I'm walking stiffly?" he said to a reporter interviewing him for the New Yorker. "Yeah, there's a 120-pound actress on my back." Baldwin then spoke of Basinger's systematic efforts to alienate him from their daughter Ireland:

Parental alienation is about people who narcissistically project their whole reality onto a child: "I don't need you, so the child doesn't need you." The goal of the alienating parent is to kill contiguous time. People need reliability. They need regularity. And I've been the victim of a campaign to kill all that. You wind up being more an uncle than a father.

A verbally abusive uncle in your case Alec. Kind of funny, you accusing anyone else of being narcissistic. Getting rid of you was the sanest thing Basinger ever did.

Kim Basinger May Be Headed To Jail

Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin have been viciously going at each other ever since their divorce, and more often than not their daughter Ireland has gotten caught in the middle. Basically, Baldwin accuses Basinger of trying to circumvent their custody agreement, saying she has a "pathological need" to drive a wedge between Ireland and him, while Basinger alleges that Baldwin is more-or-less a maniac.

Legally speaking at least, Baldwin's side would seem to be winning. Especially given the fact that Basinger now faces 12 counts of contempt of court over, among other things, her failure to disclose information to Baldwin per their custody agreement. Should Kim be found guilty of all 12 counts in tomorrow's court session, she could face a 60-day jail sentence. And I'm sure Alec wouldn't be over the moon with happiness if this happened.

Of course it's impossible to really take a side in a case like this. Both individuals are complete selfish idiots who don't seem to care the least bit about how all this is affecting their daughter who is now 11 and therefore old enough to fully realize how fucked up the whole situation is. But that's how egomaniacs operate. Honestly, there ought to be a law against narcissists like these having children.

Alec Baldwin Says Nice Things About Kim Basinger. Damn It, Alec. That's Not What We Want From You.

One of the more entertainingly vicious Hollywood feuds would appear to be over, now that bloated-corpse-like movie sleaze Alec Baldwin has started making nice with his ex-wife, Botoxed harpy Kim Basinger.

"My ex-wife was somebody who was funny and she was fun," said Baldwin the other night on Larry King. "...and she was a lot of fun to be with. She was a great, great person. And then all of a sudden I think we just wanted to live different lives. But I think she's a great mother, yes, good mom."

Ugh. Alec. What happened to you? Where are your balls? Have you forgotten all the shit Basinger said about you? Like the time you accused her of child-snatching, and she retorted with the following assessment of your mental health:

Everyone knows about Alec Baldwin's behavioral problems—his anger, his rages—they are, unfortunately, legendary.

If his relationship with his daughter is fractured, there is only one person to blame and it is himself.

See Alec? That's how we want this to go. Like the good old days. Remember? Like when you called Kim's lawyer a 300-pound homunculus?

Man-up, Baldwin. You sniveling little dweeb.

Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin - Two People Who Plumb Don't Like Each Other

Divorced movie stars Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin continue to go after each other like pitbulls with the smell of blood in their noses.

In a recent GQ article, Baldwin called Basinger's lawyer Judy Bogen a "300-pound homunculus whose face looks like a cross between a bulldog and a clenched fist." So I guess that means he doesn't like her.

Basinger returned fire on Baldwin, saying, "I am appalled by the statements made by Alec Baldwin in GQ. I am sickened by the fact that somebody can speak this way about another human being."

Oh lighten up Kim. It wasn't like he called you an old hag whose face is so pumped full of Botox it's in danger of being taken away by archaeologists and put on display in a mummy exhibit.

Let's face it, neither Kim nor Alec are exactly lighting up the ol' Hollywood hot-meter these days. Kim has done precisely squat with the cred she gained from winning the Oscar for L.A. Confidential, and Alec, despite a smashing performance in The Cooler, is basically on the fast-track to becoming a fatter, more abrasively liberal version of his brother Daniel.

As long as these two keep trading insults, we'll pay attention. As soon as they stop...ehhh.