From Stud To Duds

Studmuffin Hugh Jackman has been booted as Oscar host after one year, and will be replaced by banjo-playing grandpa Steve Martin and crazed liberal child-verbal-abuser Alec Baldwin.

"We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars," said show producers in a statement. "Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event."

Fresh personality? How about psychotic personality? Is there any chance of Baldwin getting through the event without going off on Bill O'Reilly and/or ex-wife Kim Basinger?

Actually, that could be entertaining. Not the rant itself but the sight of Baldwin's head getting purpler and purpler and the foam spewing out of his mouth. And him clutching his chest and collapsing into a twitching heap on the stage.

And Steve Martin distracting everyone from Baldwin's myocardial infarction by breaking into a banjo solo.

Eh...I'd still rather just look at Hugh.

Nearly Offed Himself

Certifiable lunatic Alec Baldwin claims his exposure as the world's most revolting excuse for a father caused him to contemplate taking his own life.

Baldwin's long dark night of the soul began when a verbally abusive voicemail he left for his daughter Ireland ("rude little pig") was released to the public, touching off an ugly backlash.

But Baldwin finally decided not to kill himself because, he says, "If I committed suicide, [ex-wife Kim Basinger] would have considered that a victory. Destroying me was [her] avowed goal.

And for once in your life you couldn't just give Kim what she wanted? God damn it Baldwin, why must you be so stubborn?

Ireland Baldwin, Thoughtless Pig

Alec Baldwin took his daughter Ireland to the SAG Awards. Speaking of putting lipstick on a pig. A thoughtless little pig. But enough about Alec...

Jen Bags A Man...On TV

Jennifer Aniston guested on 30 Rock, dressed up like a French maid and sucked face with Alec Baldwin. Wow. And she didn't pass out from the blast of booze-breath? She's such a trouper. And so is he. Cause you just know Jen had to do more than one take. "I didn't feel like we really got it that time." And Baldwin's like, "Can I get some lip balm in here? And perhaps a tranquilizer gun?" That's after take 30. Jen just wants a man to touch her - she doesn't care if it's only for TV and it's a Baldwin. "Um, Jen...you're only supposed to kiss him in this scene, not take his pants down and start stroking him off." She gets over-enthusiastic sometimes - like a dog.

Mind Your Own Business Limey Fruit

Alec Baldwin and Hayden Panettiere telling me what to think is bad enough...I don't need it from foreign dirtbag crash-scene-fleers too. Orlando Bloom supports Obama? Can I take my vote back?

Hello Nutbags

This poor woman, a McCain supporter from Pittsburgh, got beaten up by a thug who proceeded to carve a "B" into her cheek with a knife. "Our thoughts and prayers are with the young woman for her to make a speedy recovery," said the Obama campaign in a statement, "and we hope that the person who perpetrated this crime is swiftly apprehended and brought to justice." Alec Baldwin is completely out of control man. Completely out of control.

They Don't Get To Play The Sexism Card Anymore...

What was the most revealing part of Sarah Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live? I think it came during the bit with Alec Baldwin at the beginning. Baldwin thinks she's Tina Fey, then Lorne Michaels tells him no, she's the real Sarah Palin, and Baldwin says some crap about her being "way hotter" in person. It was the "way hotter" line that got me. Is that not a sexist line? Yes, I realize it's a joke, but still...does Palin not stand there and willingly cooperate in being at least mildly objectified? You know she had full veto power over all the material, which means she had to approve of that particular bit. And why would this woman, who's trying to make people take her seriously, willingly consent to such a frivolous, marginally degrading bit? She just enjoys being flattered, is my guess. Especially by famous people like Alec Baldwin. So Palin overlooked the sexism and lapped up the compliment. Well you know what? All along Palin's people have been defending her by crying sexism. Someone calls her stupid: it's sexism. Someone calls her unqualified: it's sexism. Someone dares suggest that she shouldn't be taken seriously: it's sexism. But Palin, by willingly submitting to a sexist gag in the name of flattery and fame-whoreism, has removed that card from her deck forever. The next time someone criticizes her and her people cry sexism, someone has to cry back, "You're way hotter in person!"

Sorry Sarah - if you want to be taken seriously, then don't go on television and let Alec Baldwin drool on you. Even if he's faking. Even if you're only supposed to be joking. It makes you look cheap and easy. You may have impressed your half-witted acolytes but I see through you. You are an empty dress who wants to schmooze with the beautiful and famous. That wasn't just a guest appearance on a comedy show for you - it was you taking what you think is your rightful place among the stars. Unfortunately, when Obama wins, it will be back to Alaska for you. So sorry, caribou bitch.

Palin on SNL

So Sarah Palin gets to go on SNL and yuk it up with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey and it's all cool, right? She gets to make a joke out of the fact that she refuses to answer any meaningful questions and so what cause she's a terrific sport and "way hotter in person?" Fuck Alec Baldwin. Seriously. If he ever opens his mouth about politics again he deserves to get kicked right in his teeth. Either Palin is the personification of evil or she isn't. The Weekend Update shit with her and the rapping is just pathetic. SNL needs to go away - forever.

At Least McCain Has One Supporter Left

Stephen Baldwin supports John McCain. He is willing to do anything for his candidate including box his opponent Barack Obama. "I'd like to knock some good sense into Barack," said the lesser Baldwin. "I wouldn't hurt him. But if he wins the election, he'll hurt me. He's a cultural terrorist." Nice to see that Stephen gets how Democracy works. The twit has said he'll leave the country if Juggy wins, so there's one more reason to go out and vote Obama. And you thought Alec was the most thuggish, wrong-headed member of the Baldwin family. You thought wrong.

Creep

"Keep your hands off my lunch you thoughtless little pig. Hey, if I asked your mom real nice, you think she'd let me lip-buzz her bazooms?"

He Knows Where He Can Ram It

30 Rock must've won a bunch of Emmys or something. I'd be careful giving one of those statues to Baldwin - those wings, or whatever the fuck they're supposed to be, look pretty sharp. "You rude little pig. Eat this." Oh, sorry - I probably shouldn't joke about that. It's been revealed that Alec had suicidal thoughts in the wake of his outing as a colossal jerk who verbally abuses his child. Be a shame if Alec read some of this shit and got depressed and chugged a bunch of drain opener...

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Hateability

Alec Baldwin has been on a crusade against Harvey Levin and TMZ ever since the site put out his infamous hate-filled voice mail rant against his innocent little pig of a daughter. Baldwin has now used his new book A Promise to Ourselves to further his anti-Levin campaign. Baldwin raves:

[Levin] seemed to be that breed of tabloid creature that realized an almost sexual level of pleasure from ruining other people's lives.

He has created TMZ as the updated receptacle of ... trash. He leads a cadre of self-satisfied twentysomethings who jump like rats from public relations sinking ship to sinking ship.

This book is apparently an attack on the family court system in America, which Alec believes hasn't given him a fair shake. I think he should absolutely get full custody of little Ireland - so he can scream his head off at her all the time instead of just on weekends.

Rageaholic

Alec Baldwin lost it again, this time because a limo got in his way as he was trying to leave a parking lot in his BMW. "He just drove his car into the Town Car in his impatience to exit the parking lot," said a witness. "It was hilarious." Maybe he thought his daughter Ireland was inside the limo. She tends to irritate him.

Take That, Baldwin

Alec Baldwin doesn't only verbally abuse his own children - he also goes after other shows on NBC, the network that carries his program 30 Rock. "NBC hasn't done a fucking thing to help this show [30 Rock] at all," Baldwin recently ranted. "They've gone out of their way to wring the last drops out of My Name Is Earl and Scrubs. Those shows are done! They're cooked! Yet they do a one-hour episode of Earl. You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Unlike Alec's little daughter, My Name is Earl producer Greg Garcia is able to fight back. "[Baldwin] sounds like a psychotic narcissist," Garcia said. "Instead of blaming NBC, I think Alec should consider that some people in America may not want to watch a man who cusses out his own 11-year-old daughter on a phone message . . . Oh, and the reason NBC occasionally puts on an hourlong episode of Earl is because an hour of Earl gets better ratings than an Earl followed by a 30 Rock. It's called math, stupid."

Did he just call Alec Baldwin stupid? Doesn't he know that Alec Baldwin is the most brilliant man on the face of the earth? Alec is going to kick this guy's ass...by calling him a selfish pig over the phone. That's how tough guys get it done.

Bad Baldwin

Alec Baldwin refuses to let the whole Kim Basinger thing rest. "Think I'm walking stiffly?" he said to a reporter interviewing him for the New Yorker. "Yeah, there's a 120-pound actress on my back." Baldwin then spoke of Basinger's systematic efforts to alienate him from their daughter Ireland:

Parental alienation is about people who narcissistically project their whole reality onto a child: "I don't need you, so the child doesn't need you." The goal of the alienating parent is to kill contiguous time. People need reliability. They need regularity. And I've been the victim of a campaign to kill all that. You wind up being more an uncle than a father.

A verbally abusive uncle in your case Alec. Kind of funny, you accusing anyone else of being narcissistic. Getting rid of you was the sanest thing Basinger ever did.

Fat Fiend

I'm still waiting for Alec Baldwin to announce that he'll move to France if John McCain becomes president. Of course it has nothing really to do with ideology or principle - it's all about winning. These bastards get mad because their guy loses which makes them feel like losers so they get all bitter and whiny and act like someone took their Mercedes away. I'm actually rooting for Obama to lose now just so I can watch the aftermath. All these Hollywood phonies screaming and yelling and saying the fix was in. Oh man, I'm gonna make a whole big honking bowl of popcorn and just park myself in front of CNN.

New Delusions

Canadian psychologists have identified a new form of mental illness whereby nutcases come to believe they are living in a reality show that the entire rest of the world is watching. The disorder, dubbed "The Truman Show Delusion" after the Jim Carrey film, has afflicted five known people so far, all males between the ages of 25-34. "I realized that I was and am the center, the focus of attention by millions and millions of people," explained one of the loons. "My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention."

Sounds crazy. But not as crazy as these other 10 new delusions just identified by medical science:

"Alec Baldwin Delusion" - Sufferers tend to become pasty and bloated, and spend their days engaged in crazy political rants that no one listens to. May also verbally abuse family members.
"Perez Hilton Delusion" - Those afflicted with this particularly nasty mental disorder are plagued by the mistaken belief that they are hilariously funny. They also become absurdly litigious and begin to smell strongly of zit cream.
"Heath Ledger Delusion" - Sufferers believe they are dead.
"Madonna Delusion" - Veins begin protruding. All pigmentation disappears from the skin. Patients become obsessed with fad religions and develop romantic fixations on Latin athletes.
"Tom Cruise Delusion" - A belief that one has magic healing powers. Sufferers may also develop the intense desire to kidnap bland film actresses. Homosexual tendencies may develop, only to be severely repressed.
"Tara Reid Delusion" - You know, when no one gives a shit about you but you think you're famous. Also known as "Kristin Cavallari Disease" and "Brandon Davisism."
"Jocelyn Wildenstein Delusion" - Thinking you become more beautiful the more you resemble a person whose face was blown off in a propane tank explosion.
"John McCain Delusion" - The sufferer stoops more and more until he resembles a bridge troll. He then changes all his political positions in the wholly mistaken belief that this will get him elected president.
"Brad Pitt Delusion" - Thinking you're a man even though you haven't got a pair.
"Angelina Jolie Delusion" - Characterized by the intense desire to collect human beings of various ethnic backgrounds. This is followed by the overwhelming urge to have one's picture taken in refugee camps and disaster zones while dressed in native garb. Sufferers become so impervious to pain that they can laugh all the way through dangerous surgical procedures like C-sections. Weight loss may result in the patient coming to resemble a circus freak. The face may also become frozen in an expression of supreme self-satisfaction. The lips may bloat and the veins become prominent on the arms. Other symptoms may include the desire to have sexual relations with one's own siblings, an intense fascination with sharp objects and the need to steal other women's husbands and denut them.

Alec Baldwin Thinks the Media Are Too Hard on Him

Alec Baldwin believes the media portray him in an unfair light by only reporting his occasional bad episodes.

"Well, if you have four bad days in four straight years, then all four of them are depicted in the media, then yeah [it's unfair]. The other 360 days of the year, when you're just handing out lollipops and riding unicorns through cotton-candy forests and everything's so magical, they don't report that."

Okay Alec...you've only had four bad days in the last four years. Please. You are one of the angriest, most unpleasant people on the face of the earth. If you'd had four good days in the last four years, I'd be shocked.

Here's how it works Alec...if you want to be portrayed positively in the media, you should cease sending crazed voice messages to your own young daughter in which you call her "a pig" and "a thoughtless pain in the ass." And you should stop writing inane essays on Huffington Post that only reinforce people's belief that you're an unhinged radical Commie nutcase. And then maybe you could lose some weight so it doesn't look like your neck is about to explode your collar. Tim Russert?

Video: Alec Baldwin Weasels Around Explaining "Thoughtless Little Pig" Voice Mail

Alec Baldwin appeared on 6o Minutes for some reason. Morley Safer (he's still alive!?) grilled him about the infamous voice mail message where he called his daughter a "thoughtless little pig." Alec admitted he was wrong, then tried some kind of weaselly explanation that made no sense. Alec should be waterboarded and then strung up by his nuts, in my oh-so-very humble opinion.

Alec Baldwin Says Harvey Levin Full Of Self-Hatred And Shame

Alec Baldwin is an embattled celeb, but unlike some, he's not going to just roll over and die. Instead, Baldwin is mounting a counter-offensive against those he considers responsible for making public the voice-mail rant that got him in this pickle in the first place. Specifically, Baldwin is going after Harvey Levin, the editor-in-chief of TMZ. That organization, you recall, originally received the Baldwin tape from whoever leaked it, and posted an audio clip of it on their site. Now Baldwin is firing back at Levin. Here's what the crazed daughter-terrorizing actor told the cows on The View:

The guy that's responsible for this tape coming out - I called some friends of mine in L.A. and said, "What's his story?" And they told me his story, what he's all about, where he's coming from, what are his secrets. ... You find out that everybody who works in tabloid media are people who are filled with self-hatred and shame and the way that they manage those feelings is they destroy the lives of other people and reveal your secrets. ... I couldn't get over how they could beat you all day long.

Baldwin never mentions Levin by name, but everyone knows who he's talking about. And apparently Baldwin has some dirt on Levin via his Hollywood friends. Well, what's that dirt Alec? Come on - we want to know Harvey Levin's dark secrets. Is he a cross-dresser? Is he secretly fucking Michael K.? Does he run a shitty website full of people who can't write worth a damn? Oh wait - that last one's not a secret. But the other stuff...come on Alec. You can't just say "I've got dirt on a guy" and then not reveal it. Unless of course you're trying to portray yourself as being above that sort of thing. Sure - that's your whole point, isn't it Alec? "Those other people, who I won't even dignify by naming, spread other people's dirt around, but even though I know things about them, I would never sink to their level." Nice try Baldwin. But we already know you're a phony and that you treat your own daughter like shit. And as for tabloid people being self-hating and full of shame - real big revelation there Alec. Of course they all are. Just like all actors are vain and arrogant and emotionally insecure, and raise children who turn out to be drug addicts and car thieves and suicides. Yeah - I can paint with a broad brush too Alec. Like: All Baldwin males love butt-sex. With each other.

(source)