Jade Goody Having A Breakdown

I have been paying zero attention to the whole Jade Goody/Shilpa Shetty/Celebrity Big Brother dust-up, mostly because English things are boring (except David Beckham). But after reading this piece about villainess Goody's mental health problems in the wake of her racist remarks about Shetty and the subsequent media backlash, I'm sort of wishing I had been paying attention. Cause I'm obviously missing a hell of a row.

For those who haven't been paying attention either, here's the gist: England, like America, has these dopey reality shows, including a version of Celebrity Big Brother, a program in which a group of losers lives together in a house, and generally gets on each other's nerves until everyone's been voted out except one person (like Survivor but without the coconuts). Among the participants on this show, which is apparently wildly popular in Britain, were Bollywood It-girl Shilpa Shetty and professional reality-show-participant Goody (this bitch apparently literally makes a living just being on dumb TV shows). Goody, already reviled in Britain (a 2002 poll named her 4th Worst Person in Britain), further lowered herself in the public's esteem by participating in the racist bullying of Shetty on-air, mocking Shetty's accent, and calling her names like "Shilpa Fuckawala." Other cast-members, for the record, also had a hand in teasing Shetty, who was reportedly reduced to tears on several occasions. However, Goody became the focus of the public's outrage, and was finally voted off the show by the audience.
Afterward, Goody tried apologizing, and even spouted a few tears of her own for the benefit of the cameras. But the public backlash has been so intense that a "shocked and depressed" Goody has had to be put under the care of doctors.

This just goes to show what I've always said - reality TV is going to be the death of us all. I'm serious about this. Shows like Survivor, Big Brother and the rest - what do they do but foment discord between people? The whole point of these shows is to put people in situations where basic civility is tossed out the window in the name of meaningless competition. And when you put folks like Jade Goody, a woman who suffers from obvious social, if not mental, retardation in such a position - well, it seems to me like you're just asking for it. It seems to me that, if some kind of hateful, racist stuff doesn't break out, that would have to be considered a miracle.

I think the public is wrong to attack Jade Goody in this. She's just an innocent victim, too stupid to know any better. The people who deserve our scorn are the TV executives who greenlight this garbage. Because they want the turmoil, and are willing to absorb the bad publicity as long as it helps ratings. To me, people who claim to be outraged about this stuff, yet persist in watching it, are the worst kind of hypocrites. They should exercise their choice by changing the channel (or, to use another example, clicking to another blog). If enough people do that, then these shows won't be on the air, and the societal decay they contribute to will be slowed at least a bit. Then, after we've gotten rid of the crappy shows, we can turn our attention to the Jade Goodys of the world, and give them what they so richly deserve - a spot on The View right next to Rosie O'Donnell.

Poshy To Lay Wedding Snub On Liz Hurley

Poshy Beckham may be moving to L.A., but not before she settles some unfinished business with her old Brit friends. Like Liz Hurley. She who was well-known as long as she remained associated with Hugh Grant, but became irrelevant as soon as she wasn't. Seems Posh and Liz, who used to be best buds, have had something of a falling out. It happened because Liz was saying stuff behind Poshy's back, and some of that got back to Posh (as those things always do). Now Posh is planning on getting back at Hurley - by not showing up for Hurley's March wedding to Indian businessman Arun Nayar.

Won't that be a shock to Hurley, looking around her wedding and not seeing her old buddy Posh. I'll bet she just breaks down crying at that point. Then again, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll be happy not to have Posh there. Maybe the whole reason she started saying shit about Posh was that she didn't want Posh to show up at her wedding making an idiot spectacle of herself like she did at Tom and Katie's. This could all be a scheme to get Posh to stay away. In which case, the only play for Posh would be to actually show up, wearing a hat even more absurd than this one:

And what exactly did Liz Hurley say that ticked Poshy off so badly? Here's what a source had to tell the Sun:

Victoria found out that Liz had been saying some pretty unpleasant things about her behind her back. ... People told her how Liz was making nasty comments about her looks and her weight to others on fashion shoots. ... She also was saying really personal things about Victoria and the way she conducts herself. ... Victoria was furious and incredibly hurt. She was tempted to have it out with her but thought it best to rise above it all. ... She decided the best thing to do was just not to speak to her.

Poshy taking the high-road - will the wonders never cease. Actually, I think it's a bad idea for Posh to try and punish Hurley by not speaking to her. Clearly, if you're Posh, and you really want to irritate someone, you have to talk to them even more often. You have to call them at all hours of the day and night to ask frivolous questions. And when they change their number you have to show up at their door bearing food and saying, "Let's have a slumber party!" And when they move to Tibet to get away from you, you have to parachute in, and use a battering ram to knock down their door, and cut down the guards with your AK (that you borrowed from Maddox Jolie-Pitt), and then blow up the bedroom door with some C-4 and run up to the bed and yell, "Surprise!" At which point, if we're lucky, Hurley will bite down on the cyanide capsule and go to sleep forever.

Grey's Anatomy Smackdown

Grey's Anatomy is another TV show Crabbie's never watched. Doctors having sex with each other - why does that not interest me in the least? Maybe it's just shows about doctors in general. I never watched ER either, despite George Clooney. All that medical stuff - people with boils and lesions and tumors and wooden stakes protruding from their necks. Life is filled with enough grossness as it is; why the hell would I want to watch it on television? I'm sorry, but thinking about George examining my infected toenail just doesn't do it for me. Now, if George were to play a proctologist...

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Grey's Anatomy. I have no interest in that show. I do, however, have an interest in the on-going soap opera surrounding the show. Because backstage squabbles are highly entertaining. Actually, the Grey's Anatomy unpleasantness has evolved beyond mere squabbling, and it certainly isn't backstage anymore. It's gone public. And it's getting uglier.

The antagonist in this little drama is the actor Isaiah Washington, who frankly strikes Crabbie as one of these nose-in-the-air types, the sort of guy who thinks being an actor on a dumb TV show somehow qualifies him as an artist to rival Da Vinci. Apparently, Mr. Washington doesn't have a whole lot of friends on the set of Grey's Anatomy. First there was news that he had gotten into some kind of physical altercation with co-star Patrick Dempsey, and then came the bombshell concerning his use of the word "faggot" in reference to another co-star, T.R. Knight, who is in fact homosexual. The trouble came because Knight, who hadn't revealed his gayness publicly at the time, overheard Washington. This set off a chain-reaction which saw Knight come out of the closet in an interview to People magazine (after being hectored for months by that pimple Perez Hilton), and Washington flatly deny ever using the word. That seemed to be it - until the Golden Globes the other night, when Washington reiterated his denial, pissing off co-star Katherine Heigl, who happens to be tight with Knight (in a strictly platonic sense of course because Katherine has a vagina and T.R. ain't down with that sort of thing).

"No, I did not call T.R. a faggot," Washington is reported to have said. "Never happened, never happened." To which Heigl replied: "I'm going to be really honest right now, he needs to just not speak in public. Period ... I'm sorry, that did not need to be said, I'm not okay with it."

Wow. Katherine's got some fire in her guts. Basically telling big bad Isaiah Washington to stuff it. I'm really starting to like this broad. And as for Isaiah - you like throwing words around, don't you pal? Mr. Prudent with your, "No, I did not call T.R. a faggot." Making sure you said the word again in front of every one. Someone should wash your mouth out with soap (And no, I'm not going to sink to Mr. Washington's level by bringing up a certain word that starts with 'N.' I don't believe in using slurs to attack slurs. Besides, as far as I know, Mr. Washington is not and never has been a necrophiliac.).

And of course there's poor old T.R. Knight, sort of caught in the middle of the whole thing. In a new interview with Ellen Degeneres, Knight says being called a "faggot" by Washington was the impetus for him coming out of the closet (not Perez's goading). "It's an awesome word, isn't it?" Knight tells Ellen. "I've never been called that to my face. So I think when that happened, something shifted, and it became bigger than myself."

Yeah. It's an awesome word T.R. Way bigger than "ass-eater" or "cock-licker." Though not nearly as amusing.

Rosie Versus Duh Donald - It's Still Vicious

The feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump just keeps going, mostly because these two shameless publicity-hounds won't let it die.

Indignant Rosie's most recent volley came in the form of yet another dopey post on her blog. Quoting the modern-day Emily Dickinson:

so what happens
when u say the emperor has no clothes
the comb over goes ballistic
via phone to mr king

choices
every minute
every day
everyone

i imagine it is interesting
as celeb feuds tend 2 b
so here r my thoughts

didnt watch
didnt u tube
restrict

i have no time 2 make art now
i am only off friday
which is never enuf
to detox

the pipes get full
bits of sludge
clog the flow

so tiny books
now
express in torn images
my inside

i was raised reading ms magazine
i remember the burning of bras
as women demanded equality
in unison

beauty pageants
where women were paraded around
judged valuable or not
by old white men

it is always old white men

they added a talent portion
and gave away college degrees
they evolved - beauty pageants
and eventually - nearly faded away
for good

remember the seventies

a young girl in nyc
meets a pimp
he cons her into a life of illusion
she works for him

no fun - no fucking - no future
she is owned
when she sneaks out -
to party the night away
he freaks

he roughs her up a bit
shames her in front of the others
teaches her to behave
for his own benefit

and just when we lost all hope
cagney and lacey showed up
they cuff the pimp
they free the girl

marybeth and christine
would never
be friends with a pimp

this is reality tv
like it or not
same same same
as vivi says

If I read that right, Rosie just called Donald Trump a pimp, and is waiting for Cagney and Lacey to come beat him up.

Damn Donald. You're not going to let the fat slobbering cow get away with that, are you? Of course not. Quoth the Trumpster:

"Rosie got mentally beaten up by me, because she's a mental midget, a low-life. I think she's got a death wish. It's too bad a degenerate is able to get away with things like that."

Eh, I don't know Donald. You called her stupid before, and I think you also called her a low-life. Might want to move on to some newer insults. Say she drowns puppies or pretends to help old ladies across the street so she can lift their purses. I mean, if we're going to just make crazy shit up, we might just as well go all the way with it, right?

If you need any more help Donald, I'm available. Like you, I hate Rosie O'Donnell. Together I think we can destroy her (or at least make her cry).

Paris And Britney - The Friendship Is Over

I'm trying to hold it together as best I can right now, but honestly, I don't know if I'm going to make it. So I'll just try and get through it. Okay. Here goes...

Paris and Britney...oh God, this is so hard. Okay. Just breathe....

Paris and Britney...hmmmph....

Paris and Brit...

Oh God! Paris and Britney aren't friends anymore! Cause Paris got mad when Britney said she didn't want to hang out anymore and now Paris calls Britney "The Animal!" Jesus! Somebody hug me right now! I don't think I can...

Hold on a sec while I wipe the tears off the keyboard.

Oh God, why are you so cruel?

That's it. I can't take it anymore. Where's that bottle of sleeping pills? I'm ending it now.

Goodbye world. Paris and Britney were too beautiful for you. And for me now there is only sleep. Deep, deep sleep...

Yes, I'm coming to the light.

Oh God. It's him. It's Rock.

I'm coming Rock. I'm coming!

Kathy Griffin Trashes Patricia Heaton

"Comedienne" Kathy Griffin has taken it upon herself to attack actress Patricia Heaton, a conservative who has curried disfavor in liberal Hollywood by being so outspoken in her opposition to stem-cell research and gay rights (she wants Michael J. Fox to die and doesn't want fags to be able to throw their lives away on silly officially-sanctioned relationships).

"The whole gay issue, I gotta tell you - when I hear Patricia talking her bullshit and saying it's not in the Bible that gay people should be together - those are the pieces of information that I can't forget about," said Kathy in her nightclub act.

And who asked Kathy Griffin to take up these causes? No one. Like Rosie O'Donnell, Griffin needs no prompting to begin flapping her ugly yap.

Oh Jesus. I just had a flash of Kathy Griffin and Rosie O'Donnell making out. Somebody get me a bottle of Brain-Drain-O.

Now, to be serious for a second: Yes, Patricia Heaton is full of shit. Yes, we homos should be able to marry each other just like straight people marry each other, if that's really want we want to do (and don't ask me why the fuck anyone would want to; that's not the point). Yes, I wouldn't mind seeing Michael J. Fox punch Heaton in the face (though I don't think his aim is so hot these days; more than likely he would wind up punching himself in the ear). However, if it ever gets to the point where any of us in the gay or pro-stem-cell community need someone as stupid and self-serving as Kathy Griffin making our points for us - well, that's the day we should all throw in the towel.

And yes, I'm as surprised as you are every time I'm reminded that Kathy Griffin is in fact not a lesbian.

It's Getting Ugly Between Rosie and Duh Donald

Rosie O'Donnell's got another bur under her saddle, and its name is Donald Trump.

Honestly, is there any controversy this cow won't interject herself into? Any day now I expect to see her over in Lebanon waving signs and shouting that the Israelis are war-mongers.

Of course this all started with the revelation that the reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner (I promise, no hetero edition jokes, all right? Jeez you people get stirred up easy), was behaving in a way that didn't jibe with the whole Miss USA wholesome all-American girl image (in other words she was drinking and making out with chicks - you know, enjoying herself). Speculation ran rampant that Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA brand and apparently the souls of anyone who wins the crown, would fire Tara, which led to a whole tearful news-conference where the Donald made like God and pardoned the poor unfortunate party-girl, and announced that she would be going to rehab. A bit self-righteous and hypocritical of the Donald? Definitely, said Rosie on The View:

"Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend."

Sit and spin. Damn, I haven't heard that one since fifth grade.

Of course The Donald is no one to simply sit back and let some bloated lesbian loud-mouth take shots at him:

"Rosie attacks me personally?" said an indignant Trump. "I know her fairly well because her show failed. She didn't retire. She didn't get the ratings! Her magazine called `Rosie' was a total disaster. ... She's out of her mind. I will probably sue Rosie for a number of reasons. I'm worth a lot of money. She doesn't tell the facts." Then Donald took it a step further by bringing up O'Donnell's wife Kelli, saying, "I imagine it would be pretty easy to take her girlfriend away, considering how Rosie looks."

That's vicious.

And of course Rosie had her comeback. On her blog she posted a detailed Wikipedia accounting of Donald's financial troubles (apparently meaning to refute his remark about being worth a lot of money), then left us with one of her trademark snatches of poetry:

loving the wiki
i use it
do u

i will let u know if the donald sues me
or if kelli leaves me for one of his pals
dont u find him charming

This is so much better than Britney showing snatch.

But wait, it ain't over. Today, Trump called into a radio show to attack Rosie even further, claiming View co-star Barbara Walters hates her guts (gee, you think?), calling Rosie "stupid," and saying of her appearance, "If you can look as ugly as she looks ... I give her credit for having succeeded moderately."

Donald, why don't you tell us what you really think bro?

And I thought it was going to be a boring holiday.

Update: Rosie responds on this morning's View:



Kinda weak if you ask me.

Shanna Sick of Paris Stealing Her Men. Who Isn't, Shanna?

Model/pugilist Shanna Moakler has had it up to here with pothead socialite Paris Hilton dating her exes. Has had it...up...to here.

Punch her again Shanna!

I've really got to stop being so biased.

But you have to admit, Paris does has a propensity to pick up where Shanna has left off. Everyone knows about Paris's public canoodling with Shanna's ex-husband Travis Barker (we all know about it, we just can't explain it), but even before that, Paris was seen going around with boxer Oscar De La Hoya, whom Moakler also used to date (and who taught her how to throw a mean right-hook).

In Shanna's own words: "For her to do it not once, but twice, was in the poorest of taste."

I hate to break it to you Shanna, but lecturing Paris about taste - I don't know, seems a bit futile.

But Shanna isn't only bent out of shape about Paris picking up all her leavings - she's also tired of Paris and Trav making public displays of their affection.

"I think it was all done on purpose and it absolutely devastated me," says Shanna. "It was really painful. ... For him to go with her was probably a very vindictive, spiteful thing to do."

Yeah, probably. Then again, he is a dirtbag. So maybe, Shanna, you need to be a little more careful about what kind of men you marry. Try to stick with guys who are only around 50% tattooed. Anything more than that and you're taking your life into your own hands.

Crabbie's Quickies: Paris and Nicole Friends Again, Posh Says Becks "a God in Japan", Johnny Depp to Marry, Candi Happy for Tori

Feuding fame-o-holics Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have apparently reconciled.

According to witnesses, the two "stars" were seen dining together at Dan Tana's restaurant in West Hollywood on Sunday night ("dining" being a relative term in Nicole's case). "They looked like best friends to me," one on-looker told People magazine. "It seemed as if they had never gotten into a fight."

Now I can sleep again, thank God.

---

Soccer star David Beckham is "a God" in Japan - at least according to his wife Victoria Posh Spice Beckham.

"There is a temple there where the Japanese go to pray to a statue of David," Posh tells Harpar's Bazzar. "I know it sounds crazy but it's true."

Actually, it doesn't sound crazy at all. Anyone over 5-foot-3 is usually considered a deity in Japan.

---

It saddens me deeply to report that the world's hottest man, Johnny Depp, appears on the verge of marrying his long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis.

"Johnny and Vanessa are planning to finally get married next summer at their villa," a source told the English newspaper The Daily Express.

I'm going to find the witch-doctor who sold me that Vanessa Paradis voodoo doll and get my god damn five dollars back.

---

Candi Spelling, aka the World's Worst Mother, is reportedly "ecstatic" over news of her estranged daughter Tori's pregnancy.

"I never thought the day would come," Candi told Crabbie's Hollywood in an exclusive interview. "Finally, my little Tori managed to give a man an erection."

(Disclaimer: I made up the part about the exclusive interview.)

More on the Hilton/Moakler Unpleasantness

Now Shanna Moakler says Stavros Niarchos pushed her down a flight of stairs? Classic!

E! Online also says Moakler has left Hilton some "menacing messages" since Paris was seen doing naughty things with Travis Barker. What is Shanna Moakler's idea of a menacing message anyway?

"Stay away from my man or I'll make you smell nail-polish until you pass out. Bitch."

By the way, are these two crazy broads actually fighting over Travis Barker? This Travis Barker?

Guy must be packing horse-meat.

Lindsay Lohan is Diabolically Clever

Page 6 reports on Lindsay Lohan's "devious plan" to enrage her ex-boyfriend Harry Morton, and simultaneously tweak her arch-nemesis in craven hussidom, Paris Hilton.

The scheme involved Lohan recruiting Paris's old squeeze Stavros Niarchos to canoodle her in public, then be seen driving to her suite at the Chateau Marmont. This was meant to send Morton, who allegedly dumped Lohan for being "too much drama", into a tail-spin of jealousy, while at the same time aggravating Hilton, who has become well-known for tormenting Lohan.

Wow. Lindsay is damn conniving. I wonder where she gets it from...




Oh yeah.

By the way, Paris Hilton has come up with her own scheme for getting back at Lindsay. She plans on waiting outside Lindsay's building for her to come out, then crapping in her hand and flinging it at her.

Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin - Two People Who Plumb Don't Like Each Other

Divorced movie stars Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin continue to go after each other like pitbulls with the smell of blood in their noses.

In a recent GQ article, Baldwin called Basinger's lawyer Judy Bogen a "300-pound homunculus whose face looks like a cross between a bulldog and a clenched fist." So I guess that means he doesn't like her.

Basinger returned fire on Baldwin, saying, "I am appalled by the statements made by Alec Baldwin in GQ. I am sickened by the fact that somebody can speak this way about another human being."

Oh lighten up Kim. It wasn't like he called you an old hag whose face is so pumped full of Botox it's in danger of being taken away by archaeologists and put on display in a mummy exhibit.

Let's face it, neither Kim nor Alec are exactly lighting up the ol' Hollywood hot-meter these days. Kim has done precisely squat with the cred she gained from winning the Oscar for L.A. Confidential, and Alec, despite a smashing performance in The Cooler, is basically on the fast-track to becoming a fatter, more abrasively liberal version of his brother Daniel.

As long as these two keep trading insults, we'll pay attention. As soon as they stop...ehhh.

Scarlett Johansson v. Andrew Lloyd Webber

It's official - Scarlett Johansson and Andrew Lloyd Webber are feuding. Round one between the buxom starlet and the musical-theater god took place several months ago, when Webber accused Johansson of backing out of his West End production of The Sound of Music because her handlers were unimpressed with the money being offered. Now Johansson has kicked off round two by firing a left-hook right at Webber's jaw (don't you just love my pugilistic metaphors?), claiming she couldn't have backed out of the production because she never agreed to do it in the first place, and going on to accuse Webber of throwing her name around for the sole purpose of promoting his new competition show, How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?, which will give a group of unknowns a chance to win the role Johansson herself turned down. Cattiness.

I stand second-to-none in my love for Andrew Lloyd Webber (Cats is better than anything that old drunk Shakespeare ever dreamed up in my humble opinion), but I have to admit, Scarlett Johansson is starting to win me over to her side in this. It does begin to look like Webber brought Scarlett's name into the whole thing just to help him sell his show. Gosh, I hope Scarlett doesn't do anything rash like sic Josh Hartnett on Webber. Or even worse, what if Scarlett herself went after him? That chick seems a little psycho to me; she'd be liable to stick Webber with a pen-knife or something. Damn.

(source)

Allen Wins $95,000 From Doumanian. Yeah, Like Jean Doumanian Has 95 Grand.

The little pissing match earlier this year between Woody Allen and his old producer Jean Doumanian has resulted in Doumanian being forced to cough up $95,000 in legal fees and other penalties. The unpleasantness between the former friends resulted from a disagreement over how to cut some of Allen's movies for TV presentation, Doumanian electing to dub in new words in place of swears while Allen preferred bleeping (someone should look into bleeping out all of Celebrity, and blacking out the image too while they're at it). In 2001, Allen accused Doumanian and her personal assistant, Jacqui Safra, of screwing him out of $12 million dollars in earnings from his films (must've been a lot of films to add up to $12 million), and won an undisclosed settlement in 2002. Now that the latest case has been settled, Allen can return to boning his daughter, who I heard just graduated from junior high, and drooling over Scarlett Johansson on the side, while Doumanian goes back to selling Pakistani kids scraps of her underwear so she can buy booze.

(source)