So That's Why Antonio Banderas Has Been Smiling So Much

The remains of Melanie Griffith have checked themselves into rehab. Do people go into rehab for Botox abuse?

A rep says Griffith entered Cirque Lodge in Utah - same place Lindsay Lohan went; did wonders for her as you know - as part of a health plan conceived years ago by her and her doctors. Ooh, that's way better than the usual "she just needed some time off" excuse. Points for creativity, Melanie.

Freak In Jeans

Memo to Melanie Griffith: This sort of look does not make people think, "Wow, look at that hot, young chick over there." It makes people think, "How psychotic do you have to get before you think having a monkey's face is sexy?" It makes them think, "No old lady, seeing your ass-crack does not make me want to fuck you. It makes me wish I had been born a member of a freakish inbred cave-race who lost their skin pigmentation and, more importantly, their eyes." It makes them think, "Antonio Banderas looks at that every morning without vomiting up his Cap'n Crunch?" It makes them think, "Oh dear, look at that poor unfortunate wretch who obviously lost her face in a horrible blowtorch accident. There but for the grace of God...is that Melanie Griffith?"

Tatum O'Neal Had Some Bad Influences

We all learn about sex in different ways...sometimes sick ways that scar us for life.

The way Tatum O'Neal learned about sex may take the cake though. Allegedly, Melanie Griffith, who was fucking Tatum's dad Ryan at the time (despite Melaine herself being only 17), took the 12-year-old Tatum under her wing...and to an orgy.

We know not whether 12-year-old Tatum participated in any of the orgiastic fun, but we know Melanie did, and that Tatum had to sit there and watch. And everyone at the orgy was allegedly smoking opium.

Parenting tip #1: Keep your kids away from Melanie Griffith.

And no...this still doesn't get Tatum off the hook for her ridiculous assertion that the death of the family dog depressed her so much she needed to buy crack. Although, given the people Tatum was surrounded by in her youth, it's easy to see why she would be so attached to animals.

(Thanks Maggie C.)

Melanie Griffith Has Face Issues

Melanie Griffith may be single-handedly keeping the plastic surgery industry alive. All right, along with Nicolette Sheridan. But at least Nicolette still appears vaguely life-like (from certain angles) - Melanie, on the other hand, looks like a corpse who decided to get up and start hob-nobbing. God, Melanie - just leave the freaking glasses down, okay? That poor guy you're talking to may have a heart attack from the strain of not bursting out crying at the sight of you. Seriously Melanie - you make everyone sad. And sick. More sick than sad really. Plus, I'm pretty sure your face isn't biodegradable. You don't give a damn about the environment at all do you, you selfish bitch?