Goldie Hawn Is A Mess

Goldie Hawn ambles down the street in Brentwood. Uh, one thing no one wants - pokies on an eighty-year-old. And Goldie, I realize you're elderly and all that, so some of it you can't help, but seriously - just straighten the glasses, okay? Then you won't look quite so much like a crazy old woman on a field-trip from the rest-home.



I thought plastic surgery was supposed to make you look better. My God, shave that head and she's...

Liz Taylor Backs Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton is going to be president of the United States. You can go to Vegas right now and lay down your cash on it. Don't even hesitate. She's got it sewn up.

Pretty confident there, aren't you Crabbie? What, do you have some kind of crystal ball or something? Some power that allows you to see into the future?

Huh. Power to see into the future? What do I need that for? I've got something even better. Yes sir. Something that guarantees beyond a doubt that Hillary will capture the presidency in 2008. I've got Liz Taylor. That's right, old, fat, heinous Liz. She's endorsed Hillary, and that's all the guarantee I need. I don't even have to follow the damn campaign anymore (Barack Obama? Give me a break.). And on election night when Hillary goes up against John McCain, I'll be able to go to bed early, cause I'll already know who won. Yup. Cause you know what they say - As Liz Taylor's endorsement goes, so goes the country.

Or maybe that's, "As Liz Taylor's bowels go, so goes the country." I forget.

The Well-Preserved Raquel Welch

They threw Raquel Welch a dinner in New York, and what do you know, Raquel Welch showed up. And she's still looking pretty damn good if you ask me. Though I don't even care to speculate on what sort of engineering feat was required to get her boobs, which have to be down around her knees by now, into that exact position.

(Several commenters have noted that the picture isn't displaying. I forgot to re-size it before posting it, so maybe that was causing it. It should be there now. If it still isn't, I don't know what to tell you. It's Raquel looking pretty good for an old gal.)

Mia Farrow May Be A Corpse

Mia Farrow appears with Freddie Highmore at the premiere of Arthur and the Invisibles. Gee, Mia's looking good these days. Not the least bit like a decomposing cadaver.

Joan Rivers Attempts To Slam Paris Hilton And Jessica Simpson

I don't know about you, but at least once a day I find myself asking, "I wonder what that old cellophane-faced bat Joan Rivers is up to?" Well, we need wonder no more kiddies, cause Joan has come out of the woodwork. And she's got a bug up her ass (that is one very, very unlucky bug).

Joan, it turns out, once went to college (I know - I almost fell over too). Lately, Joan has been soliciting donations for her old sorority, and in a letter sent out to alumni of Barnard, the institution Ms. Rivers matriculated at, the heinous old crank saw fit to make her case by taking a shot at bimbos like Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson, saying, "We must support women who have a sense of confidence and self-worth. ... Where have all the smart girls gone? That is a hard question to answer in an age where Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton pass as intellectuals."

Now, Joan, we understand the point you're trying to make, and we support you in it. But come on. Do you really think anyone is trying to pass Jessica and Paris off as intellectuals? Don't you think that little bit of arguing is a tad dishonest on your part? I mean, I know society is messed up - after all, people still listen to what you have to say Joan - but seriously, if we were actually at the point where people were mistaking doorbells like the aforementioned blondes for intellectuals, I doubt I'd even be able to write this post, because the Internet, and the rest of the telecommunications infrastructure, would long-since have collapsed (along with the economy, the physical infrastructure, law-and-order, etc.,).

So come on Joan. Rip if you want to rip. But at least try to color inside the lines, 'kay hon?

And oh, by the way - your face. Not good.

Puking Dog Edition: Katie Couric at Women in Film and Television's 26th Annual Muse Awards

Haven't heard much from Katie lately. What's she been up to (besides being a tic-ridden little angry-faced rodent midget bitch)?

Joan Collins Lives

Dynasty star Joan Collins and her seventy-second husband, Percy Gibson, attend a National Press Club luncheon in Washington, D.C. Joan appears to be laughing in this picture, but actually, that expression has been frozen on her face since 1994.

Crabbie's Showdowns: Old Chicks Who Need to Put it Away Now

Contestant # 1: Sharon Stone

"What are you gonna do? Charge me with being a hag?"

Well Sharon, if the law will allow it...

Contestant #2: Elle Macpherson


Can you get osteoporosis in your nipples?

Wait a minute. I've been told we have a couple of late entries...

Mystery Contestants:


Well, they're not chicks. But they are old. Really old. And sun-damaged. And senile.

And the winners are:

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid!

Way to go, old farts. You managed to make those two geriatric skanks Stone and Macpherson look attractive by comparison.

Kirstie Alley to Pose on Oprah in Bikini. I've Always Wanted to See a Hippopotamus in a Bikini.

A year ago, fat actress Kirstie Alley promised Oprah Winfrey she would lose enough weight to appear on her show twelve months hence in a two-piece. Now Alley appears ready to make good on that threat.

Alley herself admits that the proposition was a long-shot. "At my age, can you really turn your body into a bikini body without having surgery?" she pondered aloud to People Magazine. "This is an experiment!"

An experiment. Kind of like the Manhattan Project.

Look out guys! That sucker's gonna blow!

But Kirstie, what do you hope to gain from your little pound-dropping project?

"The most important reason I want to wear a bikini on Oprah ... is because if I, a 55-year-old woman, can look even halfway decent, imagine how all of you could look in a bikini. ... Hell, I'll never look like Giselle, I never did! But maybe close to Bridget Jones or a Dove girl or something that is just fine and healthy and happy, with no surgery, no lipo and no drugs – that's saying something!"

Kirstie Alley is 55? Really? Cause I would've said maybe 48 or something.

Damn Kirstie. 55? You are one old hag.

But at least you're not a fat old hag anymore. Or, not as fat, anyway.

Martha Stewart Has No Dignity

Martha Stewart dresses like a cat for her Halloween show. I hope somebody declawed her, otherwise she's liable to ruin the couch.

By the way, Martha - you're seventy years old! Stop!

Crap From Around the Celeblogosphere

Paris Hilton, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker were all present at Hugh Hefner's Halloween party over the weekend. Sadly, there were no reports of violence.

Everyone's been posting these pictures of Jessica Alba apparently being fucked in shallow water by her boyfriend Cash Warren. Normally, these sorts of rhythmic gyrations would attract the notorious hammerhead shark, but thankfully Jessica was wearing her extra-strength shark repellent, also known as Vera Wang perfume.

Eyewitnesses spotted Sharon Stone making out with super-hot basketballer and ex-Mr. Vanessa Williams Rick Fox at Hyde on Saturday night. Then the place had to be emptied out because of the sea of vomit that suddenly spread across the whole joint.

Speculation is running rampant as to Anna Nicole Smith's plans for her son's remains should she get thrown out of the Bahamas per the wishes of certain local politicians. US Weekly phrases the question thusly: "Will Anna Nicole Exhume Her Son's Body?" I would've gone for, "Will Anna Nicole Grab a Shovel and Dig Up Her Son's Smelly Corpse and Fold it Up and Shove it In Her Travel Bag?" But that's just me.

Here's a picture of Madonna and David Banda, aka the Human Louis Vuitton Handbag:

He's a cute little nipper. Hope he grows up happy.

By the way, do Kabbalah followers believe in circumcision?

Old Bag Reunion

Is it the cast of Desperate Housewives five years hence? Nope. It's the geriatric crew from Designing Women, a hit back when Reagan was in office.

Remember when people used to think Delta Burke was sexy? Damn, what were taking then?

Oh yeah. Cocaine.

By the way, chick on the left whose name escapes me. Might want to consider a turtle-neck. And Annie Potts. Hate to break it to you sweetie, but that haircut went out with Laura Petrie.

No Adoption For Madonna?

Previous reports that Madonna had adopted an orphaned baby in Malawi today may have been premature.

US Magazine.com quotes Madonna's publicist, Liz Rosenberg, thusly:

I can confirm Madonna is in Malawi on a private visit. She is building an orphanage and child care center and is involved in other initiatives geared toward helping children orphaned by AIDS through the Raising Malawi organization. She has not adopted a baby despite reports that she has.

Course, all this might mean is that the adoption hasn't been officially announced yet. Or it could mean that there is no adoption. Or that Madonna is in Africa looking to have a baby by more traditional methods, like having a Zulu warrior ram his fifteen-inch fuckstick in her rotted snatch and knock her up that way.

Guy Ritchie needs to think twice before unleashing a broad as horny as Madonna on a continent full of prime black beef.

Did Candice Bergen Have a Stroke Or Not?

Candice Bergen had a stroke. She was rushed to the hospital but is expected to make a full recovery.

Candice Bergen did not have a stroke. She has high blood pressure and was hospitalized for observation.

Candice Bergen's fashion sense leaves something to be desired in either case:


Oh God. I think I just had a stroke.