Tara Reid Returns

Remember the new cleaned-up Tara Reid?

Oh, how we worried we'd seen the last of the old, drunk, crazy Tara.

Well, we needn't have.

"I'm Tara Reid god damn it! Tara Fucking Reid!"

Yay.

Crabbie's Quickies: Longoria/Parker Engagement; Sheen/Richards Divorce; Anna Nicole Booted; DeVito Drunk

Swarthy Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria and Euro-trash basketballer Tony Parker have announced their engagement.

Longoria broke the news first to her friend Ryan Seacrest in an early-morning phone call. Seacrest's high-pitched squeal of excitement was so powerful it shattered crystal five-hundred miles away.

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On the flip-side of marriage news, Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Denise Richards are officially divorced.

So now when Charlie fucks hookers, it's no longer technically adultery.

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Brain-dead model Anna Nicole Smith has been ordered to vacate her Bahamas home, several months after originally being evicted.

I'm not actually sure I would want to live in a house Anna Nicole Smith had previously occupied. That booze-belch odor is hard to get out, and then there are all the bodies buried in the backyard.

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Rotund actor Danny DeVito is taking lots of shit over his drunken appearance yesterday on ABC's The View.

I don't know about you, but if I knew I was going to be facing Rosie O'Donnell in a few hours, I'd be pouring liquor down my throat like Shelley Winters at a wrap party (and that's a lot of drinking, folks).

Tara Reid Admits Her Boob Job Was Bad. And the Sun Rises in the East Too, By the Way.

"Actress" and well-known drunk Tara Reid is coming clean about her notoriously hideous boob job.

"My breasts were uneven," says Reid about her now-refurbished rack. "My skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I'm in Hollywood, I'm getting older, I'm going to fix them . . . but I didn't do my research."

How heroic of Tara - first to admit that she had the boob job (which is more than that spineless Britney Spears will ever do), then to concede that she entered into it without really thinking. If more young women showed the character that Tara is demonstrating by making these stunning personal revelations, well, I think the world would be a better place (and there would be a lot fewer ugly breasts out there, like these and these).

Jude Law Appears To Lose It

Check out these pictures of Jude Law out partying it up with Sienna Miller last night.

In the first one, Jude appears to be going off the deep end (perhaps someone mentioned Alfie or Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow):


In the second one, Jude appears to believe he has turned into a leprechaun:

Sienna seems to be handling things well in either case (that's what sedatives will do for you).

Gest's Civil Suit Thrown Out. Liza Wants to SING!

A judge has tossed out David Gest's $10 million civil suit against ex-wife Liza Minnelli, which claimed that a drunken Minnelli had beaten him to the point of giving him chronic headaches.

The judge, New York Supreme Court Justice Jane Solomon, dismissed the lawsuit because Gest's doctors "failed to rebut Minnelli's medical experts, who said Gest's headaches were caused by a strain of herpes" and not by beatings.

So now poor David doesn't get the $10 million, and on top of that, everyone knows he has herpes. Great lawsuit!

David Gest - all he does is give creepy old queens a bad name. And Liza Minnelli - you've finally managed it, haven't you Liza? You've achieved your life-long goal of surpassing your mother as the most heinous drug-addled shrew of all-time.

Have a double on me Liza. You've earned it.

Kelly Clarkson - Liquored Up Ho?

Kelly Clarkson has apparently decided to shed her good-girl image entirely and become yet another Lohan-like party-skank. According to witnesses, Ms. Clarkson, the original American Idol winner, showed up at the Key Club in Hollywood the other night, where some kind of awful '80s-retro rock band called Metal Skool was playing (they do know "school" isn't spelled like that right?). The witnesses reported that Ms. Clarkson got herself wasted on liquor, climbed up on stage waving a bottle around, ripped her vest off and tossed it into the crowd, then proceeded to air guitar her way through the evening.

The question then is this: Does Clarkson's image become edgier for this kind of behavior, or does a band like Metal Skool become unaccountably lame for being seen with Kelly Clarkson? And does anyone out there have any pictures of this event, cause I'd really like to add them to my Kelly Clarkson scrapbook.

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Hey Mel. Fido Wants His Dish Back.

Just when you thought stories of Mel Gibson's antics couldn't get any stranger, along comes National Enquirer poo-flinger Mike Walker's report on a Malibu party the Jew-hating nutbag attended only days before his now-famous meltdown. According to Walker's sources (which could be the voices in his own head for all we know), Gibson, in an advanced state of inebriation (obviously), decided it would be a hilarious idea to dump the water out of a dog-dish, fill it with booze, then drink said booze out of said dog-dish, lapping it up with his tongue like a parched pooch - all in front of the other partygoers, who of course were shocked. An even-more-intoxicated Gibson then proceeded to prowl the pool area out back, flirting and pinching asses. The ass-grabbery got bad enough that one female partier even took the step of sending a letter to Gibson's people demanding an apology.

I have to say, even back in my drunken Studio 54 days, I never did anything as crazy as drink booze out of a dog-dish. I snorted coke off of Janice Dickinson's ass once, but that was only after Geraldo Rivera dared me. And of course she had a nice smooth ass then. Nothing like now.

(source)