Crabbie's 2006 Year-In-Review: June

June 1: Drug-addled model Anna Nicole Smith confirms on her website that she is pregnant. "I'm happy," Anna Nicole insists, "I'm very, very happy about it." Then someone reminds her what "it" is and she begins shrieking and running around in circles.

June 2: Super-beautiful couple Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have broken up. Now we'll never get to see how gorgeous their babies would've been. We will, however, soon get to see Matthew riding bikes with Lance Armstrong, which is even better.

June 5: Lindsay Lohan drives Vogue editor Anna Wintour batty at an awards dinner by continually getting up from the table to powder her nose. Everyone assumes later that Lindsay was actually snorting coke during her numerous bathroom excursions, but Lindsay refutes this, saying, "Really guys. I haven't snorted coke since I was twelve."

June 9: TMZ has acquired video of Paris Hilton ramming a parked car with her SUV and speeding off without leaving a note, a misdemeanor in California. The world is shocked to discover that a celebutard could be so irresponsible.

June 12: Paris Hilton makes a scene outside the club Butter when she approaches Lindsay Lohan, who has been seen going around with Hilton's ex Stavros Niarchos, and screams, "I can't believe you and Stavros. You are ridiculous." To which Lohan replies, "We are all ridiculous, Paris, for we are but motes floating through a great and mysterious void, and our human concerns seem pale and meaningless when compared to this infinite space. Now fuck off."

June 13: Britney Spears and Madonna are no longer friends, now that Britney has broken off her Kabbalah studies to concentrate on dropping her kids. Madonna, who spent thousands of dollars trying to brainwash Britney into following her looney beliefs, is said to be angry. And of course we all know that the point of Kabbalah is that we should shove things down each other's throats then get mad when it doesn't take.

June 15: Model Kate Moss is in the clear after an announcement by British prosecutors that they will not bring charges against her over a 2005 incident in which she allegedly snorted cocaine in a London recording studio. Moss is now free to return to her life of being a coke-sniffing whore with a junkie wash-out for a boyfriend.

June 19: A former Green Beret who claimed to have had a sexual encounter with American Idol loser Clay Aiken now says he's sorry he ever said anything about the affair, but stops short of actually retracting the original statement. The Green Beret becomes even sorrier when he's jumped by some of Aiken's rabid fans, beaten, anally raped and crucified on a couple of nailed-together telephone poles.

June 22: Midget actress Reese Witherspoon is suing the tabloid Star for falsely reporting that she was pregnant. It turns out Reese was just walking around with a grape under her shirt.

June 23: Sienna Miller redefines skanky by being photographed going around like this in public:


June 25: Actress Nicole Kidman and musician Keith Urban wed in Sydney, Australia. A short, pudgy fellow with a big nose is reported to be lurking around in the bushes outside, but when he's captured by security, a beam of light descends from the sky and carries him away.

June 27: Loud-mouthed former fat-ass Star Jones has been fired from her job on the ABC show The View. Fans are relieved to know that Jones is finally gone, and hope the producers hire someone more low-key to replace her, someone who would never in a million years get in trouble for making fun of Chinese people, or get in a prolonged pissing match with Donald Trump.

June 29: Britney Spears follows in the footsteps of such illustrious personages as Demi Moore by posing naked and pregnant for the cover of a magazine. People all over the world are overcome with a sudden craving for milk while passing news-stands, then become ill and begin vomiting profusely.

Crabbie's 2006 Year-In-Review: May

May 2 - Tom Cruise has signed Katie Holmes up for a Buff Brides program, to make sure she's in good shape for the organ harvesting...I mean the wedding.

May 2 - Sean Connery's ex-wife Diane Cilento has revealed that Connery beat her while they were married. This makes Connery seem like a total thug, and not the tender-hearted soul we always suspected him of being (because Scottish people are usually sensitive and averse to violence).

May 3 - Nicole Richie has admitted in an interview that she's too thin, but says she doesn't have an eating disorder. In another interview, Nicole Richie's stomach said it was lonely, and could someone please send some more Tim Buckley CD's or perhaps some nice cyanide capsules.

May 3 - Lindsay Lohan may have been responsible for breaking up Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos. Or it may have been that Stavros decided he was ready to move on to having sex with humans.

May 4 - Britney Spears has hired a "bodyguard" to keep an eye on Kevin Federline. Kevin says he doesn't need a "bodyguard" anymore, and is old enough to be on his own, but Britney said after he almost burned the house down trying to make grilled-cheese, she just isn't sure he's ready to be by himself.

May 5 - Lindsay Lohan may be stalking Mary-Kate Olsen. Suspicions were aroused during a recent red carpet event, at which Mary-Kate demonstrated a visible aversion to being anywhere in Lohan's proximity. A source then reported that Mary-Kate has been receiving e-mails from Lohan, and that Lindsay is always asking questions about Mary-Kate's love-life. Another source said it's very likely that Mary-Kate's twin sister Ashley has been devoured by Lohan, and Mary-Kate fears the same fate may befall her if Superman doesn't arrive on time.

May 11 - Ashlee Simpson claims she hasn't had a nose-job. Her old nose, which now goes by the name "Belinda," says Ashlee is a liar, but it's okay because getting away from Ashlee was the best thing that ever happened to her. "A girl can only stand so much picking," says Belinda.



May 16 - Oil-heir Brandon Davis and sometimes-playmate Paris Hilton are videotaped making fun of Lindsay Lohan outside a nightclub. "I think she's worth about seven million," Davis utters at one point, "which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a hotel." Davis then makes history by hanging a tag on Lindsay that will become known the world-round - Firecrotch.



Such wit has not been seen since the days of Oscar Wilde.

May 16 - Nicole Kidman has become engaged to singer Keith Urban. This is sure to be a happy union that will last for years, with Keith never going into rehab or having models come out and say they've been screwing.

May 16 - Britney Spears has again been photographed endangering Sean Preston, this time by placing the poor child in an improperly installed car-seat. It's a good thing there were no photographers around when Britney was using him as a dust-mop.


May 17 - Tori Spelling has had sex with a man, and the sperm found the egg, and now Tori is pregnant. I repeat: A man has had sex with Tori Spelling. In the vagina. Willingly.

May 18 - Britney Spears has still not gotten the hang of the whole baby-carrying thing. Perhaps if she wasn't quite so inebriated...



May 27 - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie welcome a baby girl, Shiloh, into the world. A fuss is kicked-up over the fact that the name "Shiloh" can be interpreted to mean, "Messiah," which makes Brad and Angie seem a tiny bit full of themselves. Good thing they didn't go with their first choice, "Girl Whose Very Presence On Earth Will Mean The End Of All Hunger And Disease, Yes Even The Really Strong Infections Angie Has Been Dealing With Since She Was Married To Billy Bob Thornton." And in slightly-less-significant baby-news...

May 27 - Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale have had a boy, Kingston. They are such copy-cats.

Crabbie's Year-In-Review: April

April 3 - Tom Cruise has announced that he plans to wed Katie Holmes in the summer, once their baby is born. When asked about this, Katie replied with three beeps and a neck twitch, which means she's happy but nervous.

April 4 - Rosie O'Donnell says she wants to kick Naomi Campbell's ass. I'd be careful if I were you Rosie. The last person who threw-down on Naomi wound up being transported to the seventh layer of Hell, there to be roasted on a slow-turning spit while Richard Hung tunes play in the background for all eternity.

April 5 - Eminem and wife Kim Whateverthehell have filed for divorce three months after wedding for the second time. Next time try a suicide pact, okay dipshits?

April 5 - Reports are swirling that Angelina Jolie has kicked boyfriend Brad Pitt out after a fight. If you ask me Brad got off lucky by only being kicked out. He could've easily wound up with his throat cut, or bound and gagged with a drooling pitbull about to chomp down on his balls.

April 6 - Paris Hilton says she likes having small breasts now, but wanted implants when she was younger because all her friends had boobs and she didn't. Paris is a flattie-flattie, flattie-flattie Paris!

April 6 - Tom Cruise has told Parade magazine that his father beat him. Obviously not enough.

April 7 - News of Tom Cruise's weirdness comes faster than a nervous kid with his first hooker. The latest says that Tom's bride-to-be Katie Holmes will be using an adult-size pacifier to help her not cry out while giving birth to her child. Why not just rip out her vocal cords, Tom? Then you won't have to listen to her whimpering cries for mercy ever again.

April 10 - Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to her second child, Moses. And the Lord looked down on Gwyneth and said, "Damn. Did I do that? Sorry guys. My bad."

April 12 - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are being checked out by Child Services after an incident in which their son Sean Preston fell from a high-chair onto his own head. Said Britney about the incident, "I don't see what the big deal is. (chomp) My momma dropped me on my head lots of time and I'm fine. (bubble, pop, chomp)."

April 18 - Wacky fucker Tom Cruise now says he plans on eating the placenta after his child is born. Hopefully he won't grab the kid by mistake and start chomping down on it. And speaking of Tom Cruise and birth...

April 18 - Katie Holmes has given birth to Tom Cruise's child, and it's a girl and its name is Suri! Did anyone find out if he ate the placenta? Or ate the baby? Or ate Katie? Or started swinging from the lights like a monkey and howling at the top of his lungs?

April 26 - Lost actress Michelle Rodriguez is sentenced to five days in jail for DUI. Tom Cruise has nothing to do with this story, so I don't know why I'm recalling it.

April 27 - Rapper Snoop Dogg has been arrested in London for causing a disturbance on a British Airways flight. Funny, he seems like such a well-mannered, classy fellow.

April 28 - The Sun has published pictures of rocker Pete Doherty, who was recently sentenced for drug possession, injecting heroin into a passed-out female fan's arm. To be fair, the girl was passed out, and therefore unable to inject herself with heroin. So Pete was really just being chivalrous.

Crabbie's Year-in-Review: March

March 3 - Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie secretly married? Angelina was recently spotted wearing a gold band on her finger, setting off rumors of clandestine nuptials. More fuel was added to the fire when Brad was seen sporting a shiner, and looking generally like a beaten dog.

March 5 - The Academy Awards take place in L.A. Host Jon Stewart flops; a pregnant Jennifer Garner nearly slips and falls walking out onto the stage; Robert Altman reveals he had a heart transplant while accepting his lifetime achievement award; Brokeback Mountain is screwed out of Best Picture by Crash . Most of this happens after Crabbie has passed out from swilling Pinot Noir on the couch.

Of course, the true highlight of the Oscar festivities is Steve-O taking a piss on the red-carpet as a protest against the atrocities in Darfur. I made up the part about Darfur.


March 8 - Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher tells Vanity Fair that she was molested by her uncle as a young girl and considered killing herself. This stirs up Crabbie's own terrible memories of being sexually assaulted at age nine by a milk-man. Actually, "terrible" might not be the right word to sum that experience up. And "age nine" might be stretching it too. All right, who am I trying to kid? It was last weekend and he was the cable guy.

March 9 - Ashlee Simpson and Christina Aguilera like to drink. Not together. As far as we know.



March 13 - Britney Spears has put husband Kevin Federline on an allowance. Such a thing would humiliate most men, but not Federline, who's just happy that he can now buy lots of Pez and baseball cards to put in his bicycle spokes.

March 14 - Pictures surface of Paris Hilton visiting a plastic surgery clinic. It's later learned that Paris was only there because she'd left one of her Barbies next to a radiator, and thought a plastic surgeon was where she was supposed to bring it.


March 20 - Tori Spelling's mother is mad at her for making fun of her EBay obsession on her reality show So noTorious. Tori is now officially hated by every single person on earth.

March 22 - Kevin Costner has gone into full denial mode after a Scottish masseuse's claim that he openly masturbated in front of her. In other news, the Indians have officially changed Costner's name to "Yanks On Tiny Wiener in Front of Hairy She-Male."

March 22 - Britney Spears' birthing experience has been officially memorialized via creepy statue. Aw, the poor bear has a headache.



March 23 - English rocker Pete Doherty has pled guilty to seven charges of drug possession. Only seven? Slow night for Petie. In other news, Kate Moss is a coked-up whore.

March 28 - Creepy "actor" Wilmer Valderrama spills the details of his sex-life to camel-faced radio maven Howard Stern, claiming to have fucked Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson and Jennifer Love-Hewitt, to have anally gratified another unnamed Hollywood actress, and to have videotaped many of his naughty sexploits only to destroy the evidence. Wilmer really, really wants us to know he's not gay.

March 29 - Whitney Houston's sister-in-law accuses the former pop princess of being a crack-addict. Further supporting the claim, The Enquirer publishes photos of Houston and husband Bobby Brown's crack-den, and says of the singer, "[she now] spends her days locked in her bedroom amid piles of garbage, smoking crack, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene." Hey, if you can't enjoy being rich and famous, what's the point of being rich and famous?


March 30 - Model Naomi Campbell has been accused of abuse again, this time by a maid who says Campbell struck her with a crystal-encrusted Blackberry during an argument over a missing pair of jeans. Campbell then reportedly spun her head around 360-degrees, puked a stream of vile green soup and exposed her crotch to Max Von Sydow (again).

Crabbie's Year in Review: February

February 2 - Britney Spears is pregnant again. Only a God who is a sadist or a complete lunatic would give Kevin Federline such strong sperm.

February 3 - One-nutted bicycling champ Lance Armstrong has separated from his fiance, horse-faced singer Sheryl Crow. This frees Lance up to pursue other opportunities - Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey, for starters.


February 4 - Paris Hilton shows her nipple at an Ultimate Fighting Championship event. Hey look, it's Paris's nipple!

February 8 - Life & Style Weekly quotes a friend of Tom Cruise as saying the actor wants Katie Holmes to put her career on hold and focus on being a mother. Cruise denies being a dictatorial asshole, then screams at Katie because she took more than the half-an-Oreo she's allowed every month.


February 8 - Britney Spears kind of shows her nipple at the Grammy Awards after-party. Look, it's Britney's nipple - kind of!

February 14 - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have split up, according to Life & Style Weekly. The story says the couple intend to perpetuate a sham relationship for the public until after their baby is born, and then separate officially. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the wedding. I'm sure it was going to be a nice, modest, tasteful affair having nothing to do with looney Scientology rites, and with people like Posh Spice kept far away.

February 17 - Naomi Campbell goes through assistants like most people go through socks. The latest help-related debacle saw Campbell get in a shouting match with her poor employee on a plane after some dresses went missing. Witnesses reported seeing Campbell's eyes turn red and little horns begin protruding from her forehead. Then a low, guttural voice was heard to utter, "I summon all the fires of Hell in the name of the one true Lord Beelzebub."

February 20 - It's reported that Cameron Diaz was almost killed by a bird flying through the window of a limo she was riding in. The bird had apparently seen Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

February 20 - Reports swirl that Paris Hilton has made a lesbian sex tape with Playboy model Nicole Lenz. Ms. Lenz says the two got naked in a hotel room and started pleasuring each other with an array of sex toys Paris had brought along for the occasion, and videotaped the whole thing. Doubt is cast upon the veracity of the claims when the tape doesn't surface on YouTube within six seconds of the announcement.

February 22 - Lindsay Lohan tells Allure magazine that she hates being called a Teen Queen, and wants to be taken seriously as an actress. Then she bursts out laughing and proclaims, "God I'm so full of shit."

February 26 - George Michael is arrested in London on drug charges after being found slumped over the wheel of his car in the middle of an intersection. At least he had his pants on. Or maybe he didn't. Either way, he's still a drug-addled old queen with no career.

Crabbie's Year-End Review: January

January 2 - Actress Lindsay Lohan is admitted to a Miami hospital after a "severe asthma attack." Even the person giving the press statement can't help but snicker.

January 4 - A rep for actress Denise Richards says she and Charlie Sheen are through and that Denise is moving ahead with divorce proceedings. Sheen's whores are said to be happy, because now he'll be in seven nights a week instead of only six.

January 6 - "Singer" Nick Lachey tells Elle magazine that when he was married to Jessica Simpson he used to put on her shoes and walk around. He then says that, when he would do this, Jessica would get confused and think he was actually her grandmother.

January 8 - Dumb-ass rapper/clothes designer Sean Combs says his request that people now call him Diddy instead of his previous nickname P. Diddy was "just a joke." He then says that, from now on, he wants to be known as, "Mortimer Ipswitch Snerdwicker Von Beverly Wackweat Lichtenstein Diddy III of Penis Mountain."

January 9 - Oscar-winning tranny Hilary Swank and asexual Kinko's manager Chad Lowe announce they are separating. No one seems to give a flying fuck.



January 10 - Lindsay Lohan denies a Vanity Fair story that claims she has bulimia. She then sticks her fingers down her throat and ralphs up half a veggie-burger and some mysterious pink foamy substance that is quickly scraped up and taken to a lab at the CDC.

January 11 - Angelina Jolie reveals that Brad Pitt has knocked her up. This comes as a stunning revelation to those of us who thought Jolie had razor blades in her vagina, and therefore could only be penetrated with metal objects.

January 11 - Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss give horny men a thrill by performing a pole dance together at a New York club. At one point during the show Moss is reported to say, "You're a pro Lindsay, you should do this for a living." To which Lindsay replies, "I already do."

January 13 - Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria says she gives all her female friends vibrators on their birthdays so they can "discover themselves sexually." Longoria then admits that this is a lame gift since all her friends are over thirty and have already discovered themselves.

January 16 - Britney Spears got angry after Kevin Federline groped Paris Hilton while greeting her with a cheek-kiss, and has now been seen going around without her wedding ring. Could the Britney/Federline marriage be on the rocks? And as for Britney and Paris - don't count on seeing the two of them hanging out anytime soon.

January 16 - Lindsay Lohan and John Lennon's son Sean have begun dating. Lonely Sean says he's in the market for a woman between 18-45 years-of-age who has an IQ above 130, and further stipulates that his dream girl, "must not have any clinical, psychological disorders - and have a kind heart." Sean and Lindsay's relationship proves brief.


January 18 - Victoria Poshy Beckham says she wants to write a children's book to tie in with a line of clothing she's designing. This comes only months after the stupid twat admitted she had never read a book in her life.

January 23 - Jennifer Aniston has moved in with boyfriend Vince Vaughn. "They are madly in love so the move seemed the thing to do," says a friend. "It took Jen a while to get over her split with Brad. But now that she has she wants to make the most of her life - and she got lonely on her own. ... Jen definitely sees a happy future with Vince." And so do I.

January 25 - Kanye West poses as Jesus on the cover of Rolling Stone, which causes a lot of controversy among people who think only skinny white actors should ever dress as Jesus.