January 4 - A rep for actress Denise Richards says she and Charlie Sheen are through and that Denise is moving ahead with divorce proceedings. Sheen's whores are said to be happy, because now he'll be in seven nights a week instead of only six.
January 6 - "Singer" Nick Lachey tells Elle magazine that when he was married to Jessica Simpson he used to put on her shoes and walk around. He then says that, when he would do this, Jessica would get confused and think he was actually her grandmother.
January 8 - Dumb-ass rapper/clothes designer Sean Combs says his request that people now call him Diddy instead of his previous nickname P. Diddy was "just a joke." He then says that, from now on, he wants to be known as, "Mortimer Ipswitch Snerdwicker Von Beverly Wackweat Lichtenstein Diddy III of Penis Mountain."
January 9 - Oscar-winning tranny Hilary Swank and asexual Kinko's manager Chad Lowe announce they are separating. No one seems to give a flying fuck.
January 10 - Lindsay Lohan denies a Vanity Fair story that claims she has bulimia. She then sticks her fingers down her throat and ralphs up half a veggie-burger and some mysterious pink foamy substance that is quickly scraped up and taken to a lab at the CDC.
January 11 - Angelina Jolie reveals that Brad Pitt has knocked her up. This comes as a stunning revelation to those of us who thought Jolie had razor blades in her vagina, and therefore could only be penetrated with metal objects.
January 11 - Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss give horny men a thrill by performing a pole dance together at a New York club. At one point during the show Moss is reported to say, "You're a pro Lindsay, you should do this for a living." To which Lindsay replies, "I already do."
January 13 - Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria says she gives all her female friends vibrators on their birthdays so they can "discover themselves sexually." Longoria then admits that this is a lame gift since all her friends are over thirty and have already discovered themselves.
January 16 - Britney Spears got angry after Kevin Federline groped Paris Hilton while greeting her with a cheek-kiss, and has now been seen going around without her wedding ring. Could the Britney/Federline marriage be on the rocks? And as for Britney and Paris - don't count on seeing the two of them hanging out anytime soon.
January 16 - Lindsay Lohan and John Lennon's son Sean have begun dating. Lonely Sean says he's in the market for a woman between 18-45 years-of-age who has an IQ above 130, and further stipulates that his dream girl, "must not have any clinical, psychological disorders - and have a kind heart." Sean and Lindsay's relationship proves brief.
January 18 - Victoria Poshy Beckham says she wants to write a children's book to tie in with a line of clothing she's designing. This comes only months after the stupid twat admitted she had never read a book in her life.
January 23 - Jennifer Aniston has moved in with boyfriend Vince Vaughn. "They are madly in love so the move seemed the thing to do," says a friend. "It took Jen a while to get over her split with Brad. But now that she has she wants to make the most of her life - and she got lonely on her own. ... Jen definitely sees a happy future with Vince." And so do I.
January 25 - Kanye West poses as Jesus on the cover of Rolling Stone, which causes a lot of controversy among people who think only skinny white actors should ever dress as Jesus.
