April 4 - Rosie O'Donnell says she wants to kick Naomi Campbell's ass. I'd be careful if I were you Rosie. The last person who threw-down on Naomi wound up being transported to the seventh layer of Hell, there to be roasted on a slow-turning spit while Richard Hung tunes play in the background for all eternity.
April 5 - Eminem and wife Kim Whateverthehell have filed for divorce three months after wedding for the second time. Next time try a suicide pact, okay dipshits?
April 5 - Reports are swirling that Angelina Jolie has kicked boyfriend Brad Pitt out after a fight. If you ask me Brad got off lucky by only being kicked out. He could've easily wound up with his throat cut, or bound and gagged with a drooling pitbull about to chomp down on his balls.
April 6 - Paris Hilton says she likes having small breasts now, but wanted implants when she was younger because all her friends had boobs and she didn't. Paris is a flattie-flattie, flattie-flattie Paris!
April 6 - Tom Cruise has told Parade magazine that his father beat him. Obviously not enough.
April 7 - News of Tom Cruise's weirdness comes faster than a nervous kid with his first hooker. The latest says that Tom's bride-to-be Katie Holmes will be using an adult-size pacifier to help her not cry out while giving birth to her child. Why not just rip out her vocal cords, Tom? Then you won't have to listen to her whimpering cries for mercy ever again.
April 10 - Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to her second child, Moses. And the Lord looked down on Gwyneth and said, "Damn. Did I do that? Sorry guys. My bad."
April 12 - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are being checked out by Child Services after an incident in which their son Sean Preston fell from a high-chair onto his own head. Said Britney about the incident, "I don't see what the big deal is. (chomp) My momma dropped me on my head lots of time and I'm fine. (bubble, pop, chomp)."
April 18 - Wacky fucker Tom Cruise now says he plans on eating the placenta after his child is born. Hopefully he won't grab the kid by mistake and start chomping down on it. And speaking of Tom Cruise and birth...
April 18 - Katie Holmes has given birth to Tom Cruise's child, and it's a girl and its name is Suri! Did anyone find out if he ate the placenta? Or ate the baby? Or ate Katie? Or started swinging from the lights like a monkey and howling at the top of his lungs?
April 26 - Lost actress Michelle Rodriguez is sentenced to five days in jail for DUI. Tom Cruise has nothing to do with this story, so I don't know why I'm recalling it.
April 27 - Rapper Snoop Dogg has been arrested in London for causing a disturbance on a British Airways flight. Funny, he seems like such a well-mannered, classy fellow.
April 28 - The Sun has published pictures of rocker Pete Doherty, who was recently sentenced for drug possession, injecting heroin into a passed-out female fan's arm. To be fair, the girl was passed out, and therefore unable to inject herself with heroin. So Pete was really just being chivalrous.
