May 2 - Sean Connery's ex-wife Diane Cilento has revealed that Connery beat her while they were married. This makes Connery seem like a total thug, and not the tender-hearted soul we always suspected him of being (because Scottish people are usually sensitive and averse to violence).
May 3 - Nicole Richie has admitted in an interview that she's too thin, but says she doesn't have an eating disorder. In another interview, Nicole Richie's stomach said it was lonely, and could someone please send some more Tim Buckley CD's or perhaps some nice cyanide capsules.
May 3 - Lindsay Lohan may have been responsible for breaking up Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos. Or it may have been that Stavros decided he was ready to move on to having sex with humans.
May 4 - Britney Spears has hired a "bodyguard" to keep an eye on Kevin Federline. Kevin says he doesn't need a "bodyguard" anymore, and is old enough to be on his own, but Britney said after he almost burned the house down trying to make grilled-cheese, she just isn't sure he's ready to be by himself.
May 5 - Lindsay Lohan may be stalking Mary-Kate Olsen. Suspicions were aroused during a recent red carpet event, at which Mary-Kate demonstrated a visible aversion to being anywhere in Lohan's proximity. A source then reported that Mary-Kate has been receiving e-mails from Lohan, and that Lindsay is always asking questions about Mary-Kate's love-life. Another source said it's very likely that Mary-Kate's twin sister Ashley has been devoured by Lohan, and Mary-Kate fears the same fate may befall her if Superman doesn't arrive on time.
May 11 - Ashlee Simpson claims she hasn't had a nose-job. Her old nose, which now goes by the name "Belinda," says Ashlee is a liar, but it's okay because getting away from Ashlee was the best thing that ever happened to her. "A girl can only stand so much picking," says Belinda.
May 16 - Oil-heir Brandon Davis and sometimes-playmate Paris Hilton are videotaped making fun of Lindsay Lohan outside a nightclub. "I think she's worth about seven million," Davis utters at one point, "which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a hotel." Davis then makes history by hanging a tag on Lindsay that will become known the world-round - Firecrotch.
Such wit has not been seen since the days of Oscar Wilde.
May 16 - Nicole Kidman has become engaged to singer Keith Urban. This is sure to be a happy union that will last for years, with Keith never going into rehab or having models come out and say they've been screwing.
May 16 - Britney Spears has again been photographed endangering Sean Preston, this time by placing the poor child in an improperly installed car-seat. It's a good thing there were no photographers around when Britney was using him as a dust-mop.
May 17 - Tori Spelling has had sex with a man, and the sperm found the egg, and now Tori is pregnant. I repeat: A man has had sex with Tori Spelling. In the vagina. Willingly.
May 18 - Britney Spears has still not gotten the hang of the whole baby-carrying thing. Perhaps if she wasn't quite so inebriated...
May 27 - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie welcome a baby girl, Shiloh, into the world. A fuss is kicked-up over the fact that the name "Shiloh" can be interpreted to mean, "Messiah," which makes Brad and Angie seem a tiny bit full of themselves. Good thing they didn't go with their first choice, "Girl Whose Very Presence On Earth Will Mean The End Of All Hunger And Disease, Yes Even The Really Strong Infections Angie Has Been Dealing With Since She Was Married To Billy Bob Thornton." And in slightly-less-significant baby-news...
May 27 - Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale have had a boy, Kingston. They are such copy-cats.
