March 5 - The Academy Awards take place in L.A. Host Jon Stewart flops; a pregnant Jennifer Garner nearly slips and falls walking out onto the stage; Robert Altman reveals he had a heart transplant while accepting his lifetime achievement award; Brokeback Mountain is screwed out of Best Picture by Crash . Most of this happens after Crabbie has passed out from swilling Pinot Noir on the couch.
Of course, the true highlight of the Oscar festivities is Steve-O taking a piss on the red-carpet as a protest against the atrocities in Darfur. I made up the part about Darfur.
March 8 - Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher tells Vanity Fair that she was molested by her uncle as a young girl and considered killing herself. This stirs up Crabbie's own terrible memories of being sexually assaulted at age nine by a milk-man. Actually, "terrible" might not be the right word to sum that experience up. And "age nine" might be stretching it too. All right, who am I trying to kid? It was last weekend and he was the cable guy.
March 9 - Ashlee Simpson and Christina Aguilera like to drink. Not together. As far as we know.
March 13 - Britney Spears has put husband Kevin Federline on an allowance. Such a thing would humiliate most men, but not Federline, who's just happy that he can now buy lots of Pez and baseball cards to put in his bicycle spokes.
March 14 - Pictures surface of Paris Hilton visiting a plastic surgery clinic. It's later learned that Paris was only there because she'd left one of her Barbies next to a radiator, and thought a plastic surgeon was where she was supposed to bring it.
March 20 - Tori Spelling's mother is mad at her for making fun of her EBay obsession on her reality show So noTorious. Tori is now officially hated by every single person on earth.
March 22 - Kevin Costner has gone into full denial mode after a Scottish masseuse's claim that he openly masturbated in front of her. In other news, the Indians have officially changed Costner's name to "Yanks On Tiny Wiener in Front of Hairy She-Male."
March 22 - Britney Spears' birthing experience has been officially memorialized via creepy statue. Aw, the poor bear has a headache.
March 23 - English rocker Pete Doherty has pled guilty to seven charges of drug possession. Only seven? Slow night for Petie. In other news, Kate Moss is a coked-up whore.
March 28 - Creepy "actor" Wilmer Valderrama spills the details of his sex-life to camel-faced radio maven Howard Stern, claiming to have fucked Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson and Jennifer Love-Hewitt, to have anally gratified another unnamed Hollywood actress, and to have videotaped many of his naughty sexploits only to destroy the evidence. Wilmer really, really wants us to know he's not gay.
March 29 - Whitney Houston's sister-in-law accuses the former pop princess of being a crack-addict. Further supporting the claim, The Enquirer publishes photos of Houston and husband Bobby Brown's crack-den, and says of the singer, "[she now] spends her days locked in her bedroom amid piles of garbage, smoking crack, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene." Hey, if you can't enjoy being rich and famous, what's the point of being rich and famous?
March 30 - Model Naomi Campbell has been accused of abuse again, this time by a maid who says Campbell struck her with a crystal-encrusted Blackberry during an argument over a missing pair of jeans. Campbell then reportedly spun her head around 360-degrees, puked a stream of vile green soup and exposed her crotch to Max Von Sydow (again).
