February 3 - One-nutted bicycling champ Lance Armstrong has separated from his fiance, horse-faced singer Sheryl Crow. This frees Lance up to pursue other opportunities - Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey, for starters.
February 4 - Paris Hilton shows her nipple at an Ultimate Fighting Championship event. Hey look, it's Paris's nipple!
February 8 - Life & Style Weekly quotes a friend of Tom Cruise as saying the actor wants Katie Holmes to put her career on hold and focus on being a mother. Cruise denies being a dictatorial asshole, then screams at Katie because she took more than the half-an-Oreo she's allowed every month.
February 8 - Britney Spears kind of shows her nipple at the Grammy Awards after-party. Look, it's Britney's nipple - kind of!
February 14 - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have split up, according to Life & Style Weekly. The story says the couple intend to perpetuate a sham relationship for the public until after their baby is born, and then separate officially. Too bad. I was really looking forward to the wedding. I'm sure it was going to be a nice, modest, tasteful affair having nothing to do with looney Scientology rites, and with people like Posh Spice kept far away.
February 17 - Naomi Campbell goes through assistants like most people go through socks. The latest help-related debacle saw Campbell get in a shouting match with her poor employee on a plane after some dresses went missing. Witnesses reported seeing Campbell's eyes turn red and little horns begin protruding from her forehead. Then a low, guttural voice was heard to utter, "I summon all the fires of Hell in the name of the one true Lord Beelzebub."
February 20 - It's reported that Cameron Diaz was almost killed by a bird flying through the window of a limo she was riding in. The bird had apparently seen Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
February 20 - Reports swirl that Paris Hilton has made a lesbian sex tape with Playboy model Nicole Lenz. Ms. Lenz says the two got naked in a hotel room and started pleasuring each other with an array of sex toys Paris had brought along for the occasion, and videotaped the whole thing. Doubt is cast upon the veracity of the claims when the tape doesn't surface on YouTube within six seconds of the announcement.
February 22 - Lindsay Lohan tells Allure magazine that she hates being called a Teen Queen, and wants to be taken seriously as an actress. Then she bursts out laughing and proclaims, "God I'm so full of shit."February 26 - George Michael is arrested in London on drug charges after being found slumped over the wheel of his car in the middle of an intersection. At least he had his pants on. Or maybe he didn't. Either way, he's still a drug-addled old queen with no career.
