June 2: Super-beautiful couple Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have broken up. Now we'll never get to see how gorgeous their babies would've been. We will, however, soon get to see Matthew riding bikes with Lance Armstrong, which is even better.
June 5: Lindsay Lohan drives Vogue editor Anna Wintour batty at an awards dinner by continually getting up from the table to powder her nose. Everyone assumes later that Lindsay was actually snorting coke during her numerous bathroom excursions, but Lindsay refutes this, saying, "Really guys. I haven't snorted coke since I was twelve."
June 9: TMZ has acquired video of Paris Hilton ramming a parked car with her SUV and speeding off without leaving a note, a misdemeanor in California. The world is shocked to discover that a celebutard could be so irresponsible.
June 12: Paris Hilton makes a scene outside the club Butter when she approaches Lindsay Lohan, who has been seen going around with Hilton's ex Stavros Niarchos, and screams, "I can't believe you and Stavros. You are ridiculous." To which Lohan replies, "We are all ridiculous, Paris, for we are but motes floating through a great and mysterious void, and our human concerns seem pale and meaningless when compared to this infinite space. Now fuck off."
June 13: Britney Spears and Madonna are no longer friends, now that Britney has broken off her Kabbalah studies to concentrate on dropping her kids. Madonna, who spent thousands of dollars trying to brainwash Britney into following her looney beliefs, is said to be angry. And of course we all know that the point of Kabbalah is that we should shove things down each other's throats then get mad when it doesn't take.
June 15: Model Kate Moss is in the clear after an announcement by British prosecutors that they will not bring charges against her over a 2005 incident in which she allegedly snorted cocaine in a London recording studio. Moss is now free to return to her life of being a coke-sniffing whore with a junkie wash-out for a boyfriend.
June 19: A former Green Beret who claimed to have had a sexual encounter with American Idol loser Clay Aiken now says he's sorry he ever said anything about the affair, but stops short of actually retracting the original statement. The Green Beret becomes even sorrier when he's jumped by some of Aiken's rabid fans, beaten, anally raped and crucified on a couple of nailed-together telephone poles.
June 22: Midget actress Reese Witherspoon is suing the tabloid Star for falsely reporting that she was pregnant. It turns out Reese was just walking around with a grape under her shirt.
June 23: Sienna Miller redefines skanky by being photographed going around like this in public:
June 25: Actress Nicole Kidman and musician Keith Urban wed in Sydney, Australia. A short, pudgy fellow with a big nose is reported to be lurking around in the bushes outside, but when he's captured by security, a beam of light descends from the sky and carries him away.
June 27: Loud-mouthed former fat-ass Star Jones has been fired from her job on the ABC show The View. Fans are relieved to know that Jones is finally gone, and hope the producers hire someone more low-key to replace her, someone who would never in a million years get in trouble for making fun of Chinese people, or get in a prolonged pissing match with Donald Trump.
June 29: Britney Spears follows in the footsteps of such illustrious personages as Demi Moore by posing naked and pregnant for the cover of a magazine. People all over the world are overcome with a sudden craving for milk while passing news-stands, then become ill and begin vomiting profusely.
