This Is What You Get For Letting Kathy Griffin Be On Television

I feel no sympathy for CNN at all. Not one jot. They deserve everything they get for letting that revolting unfunny Kathy Griffin thing be on their New Year's show. I hope the FCC or someone comes down on them with all the ferocity of Kevin Federline attacking a box of Ding Dongs. And why the hell are they doing a frivolous New Year's show anyway? The world is coming apart at the seams and CNN has Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper sitting there like Loni Anderson and Dick Clark except Loni and Dick would never ever make us feel uncomfortable. It's almost enough to make one switch to Fox.

Sticking With One Dick

Sienna Miller has been on Balthazar Getty's dick for longer than she's ever been on anyone's dick in her life I think. Congrats to her. Now the two of them need to lay off this trying to hide their faces shit. We know it's you, asslicks. Did you think we lost our ability to recognize faces and, more importantly, distinctive genital odors? Traces of Sienna's cunt-reek have been detected on Mars, for Christ's sake. You ain't hiding from anybody.

Fat Girl Off The Hook

Nikki Blonsky and some of those other fuckers who got in that airport fight in Bermuda or wherever the piss it was have been cleared of wrongdoing and may now resume their slow descent into trailer trash hell. The only one still facing charges is Nikki's dad who may yet get five years in the slammer for going upside the head of some ugly model bitch's mom (or maybe it was someone else - the details escape me now, okay?). The lesson here is, if you're going to get in some kind of crazy-ass scrum in an airport, don't do it in some shitty Caribbean country where no one knows you were in some crap John Travolta movie, or you may wind up having to wait several months before being let off (unlike America where your fame earns you immediate exoneration). Oh, and lay off the homemade drugs - that shit will fuck your brain up.

Taking Its Toll

Lindsay Lohan is showing the effects of stress in her physique and overall appearance. Girl's skinny as a rail again and look at that stringy, disgusting hair. Clearly, Sam Ronson has not been good for her. She needs to get some more meat in her diet, pronto.

What Is This Crap?

What the hell Katy Perry? You did New Year's and didn't even dress up like a giant Times Square ball or a glass of champagne or some kind of bizarre New Year's gnome-woman with gigantic fake breasts and a butcher knife? So does this mean you're not as desperate for acknowledgement as you used to be? You're going to stop competing with Lily Allen for the title of biggest, most hopeless attention-whore on earth? Quitter.

Which Of These Things Is Not Like The Others?

Okay you've got Taylor Swift there, Demi Lovato, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan Seacrest hosting and...Lionel Richie? How the fuck did he get past security? Seacrest turned around and he was like, "Woah, Lionel. I thought you died five years ago in a horrible natural gas explosion at a homeless shelter." I'm glad to see Taylor Swift has gotten past her heartbreak over the one Jonas twit dumping her. Funny how fast we can put those things aside when someone offers us money to be on television.

I'm Glad Someone Gets It

Karl Lagerfeld has swooped in (somewhat like a vampire bat) and cleaned up all the fur controversy for us by pointing out that, if we didn't kill animals first, they would certainly kill us. So that makes it okay to wear their skin as clothing. Lagerfeld also thinks it's "childish" to even have a controversy over fur in a world where people eat meat and wear leather shoes (though he himself doesn't eat meat because, he says, he can't get past the fact that it used to be alive). He also told a radio interviewer - I'm not making this shit up either - that closing down the fur industry would ruin life for the "northern hunters" who haven't learned how to do anything else besides kill animals. And what is Mr. Lagerfeld's position on the Crimean War I wonder? I'm so glad we have people like Lagerfeld to get us back to reality again.