No One Wants To See Them Anyway

While in Venice, Lily Allen evidently got high and staggered naked onto a hotel balcony. She was so stoned she didn't even realize someone was taking her picture. Her handler, or whoever that guy is, came out to cover her up before she embarrassed herself.

Okay, here's what really happened. Lily Allen was sitting around her hotel room in Venice when she got bored. So she called up some photographer she knows and told him to station himself across the canal from her balcony. She then ripped her shirt off and pretended to stagger outside in a daze. "Oh my gosh, is someone taking a picture of my titties? I'm soooooooo high."

Lily's jealous that Katy Perry gets all the attention these days. Maybe she should begin fucking Russell Brand.

Think This Learned Him?

This is what's left of George Michael's Range Rover after he got bombed on some of the good stuff and had a head-on with a truck. I'm sure George has discovered a new appreciation for life after this harrowing experience and will endeavor to get his sorry existence on track. Yeah, I chuckled too. Fucker loves his drugs too much. He'll die horribly, probably taking several people with him. If you must pray, pray that the other vehicle is carrying Lily Allen, Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller, Gwyneth Paltrow and Avril Lavigne.

Lily Has A Man

Lily Allen has edged ahead of Katy Perry in their on-going battle for media attention by snagging herself this gray-haired dude and going to the beach with him. Katy will now counter by cuddling up to one of the male cast members of Mad Men...or, if she really wants to score points, one of the female cast members.

What Is This Crap?

What the hell Katy Perry? You did New Year's and didn't even dress up like a giant Times Square ball or a glass of champagne or some kind of bizarre New Year's gnome-woman with gigantic fake breasts and a butcher knife? So does this mean you're not as desperate for acknowledgement as you used to be? You're going to stop competing with Lily Allen for the title of biggest, most hopeless attention-whore on earth? Quitter.

Stop Messing With Me

British tab The Sun took time off from documenting Lily Allen's every move to announce that Eddie Murphy has been chosen to play The Riddler in the highly-anticipated third installment of the Batman series. Director Christopher Nolan had originally wanted Johnny Depp for the part but was then hit in the head with a bowling ball and got the idea to cast Murphy. The same story says boring Oscar-winner Rachel Weisz will play Catwoman - not Cher as had been deliciously rumored. And for Robin? Of course...Shia LaBeouf. Won't be any vaguely homo-erotic energy between him and Christian Bale. Why not just go totally lametastic and cast Kevin Federline as the Penguin?

New Wino

Lily Allen already has the drunken antics and overall obnoxiousness down pat - and now she's adopted another of Amy Winehouse's favorite bits, locking herself out of her own house and having to break back in. She's a beehive and a couple tattoos away from being mildly entertaining.

Elton John v. Lily Allen

I don't know what ever happened between Elton John and Lily Allen to make them get after each other last night at the GQ Awards. I only know I was rooting for Elton...to punch that cow Lily right in the face. The video would be much more amusing if the yappy Mexican bitch let us actually hear what they were saying. Perhaps a better clip will surface later.

Spare Us, Lily

Lily Allen allegedly tried to punch some woman who verbally assaulted her outside a club at 2 in the morning. Okay. So this is how desperate Lily is for publicity. She hires some broad to yell shit at her then "punches" her in front of the cameras. Sorry Lily, but you are a fraud. Your music is lame and fakey and your whole celebrity bad-girl bit is plainly contrived. You are not Amy Winehouse and you will never be Amy Winehouse. And why the hell would you want to be Amy Winehouse? Have you seen Amy Winehouse lately? Even Amy Winehouse is terrified of Amy Winehouse. Why don't you find some nice man and ruin his life by marrying him? Oh, and that "miscarriage" you had earlier this year? Were you ever even pregnant?

Lindsay Lohan Has Another Good Influence

Lindsay Lohan went to dinner at Nobu with Samantha Ronson and Lily Allen. This picture must've been taken early in the evening as Lily is not yet falling-over drunk.

Wasn't Lohan supposed to be off booze now after going to rehab? And she's hanging out with Lily Allen, the drunkest person this side of Andy Dick?

I smell a lesbian love-triangle forming. Samantha and Lily start munching each other, Lindsay finds out, shots are fired. Let's keep our fingers crossed anyway...

Lily Allen Claims Someone Spiked Her Booze

Fat useless cow Lily Allen refuses to admit that she was drunk of her own volition the other night at the Glamour Awards when she had to be carried out of the place, but insists that someone added extra kick to her booze without her knowledge.

"I don't know what happened, maybe I was spiked," the dipshit said. "I don't remember a thing. I can normally get really drunk, but not like that."

Lily normally cuts herself off before she completely loses motor function.

Does she honestly think anyone believes that?

"The worrying thing was that I was like a dead weight. I have been out so many times and got drunk and never ended up like that," Lily continues.

"What was worse was that the cab just drove off with only me in it. My brother and my mates were not with me.

"I didn't have my house keys or my bag, so I felt totally vulnerable. When I finally got home I just passed out."

It's no problem not having your house keys Lily...you just break into your own garage like Amy Winehouse.

By the way, do you think you could stop bragging about your drinking for five minutes? What are you a sailor?

Lily Allen Drunk Off Her Ass

Lily Allen got wasted at the Glamour Awards and had to be carried around. That guy's gotta be strong to lug that disgusting pigboat. He should've done the world a favor and dropped her in the nearest river.

Lily Allen Hates America. America Would Hate Her Back If They Knew Who She Was.

Pop-brat Lily Allen's visa troubles have soured her on the United States. Said the little twat at a recent concert:

I couldn't care less if I never go to America again. I would rather be with my man. I've been banned from America. That's nice. Oh well, that means I can't go back there. Good.

Allen then added in a Joss Stone-like American accent:

I'm going to dedicate this to the US. Obviously I'm really sad I can't do my US tour. Shame on you, the US Immigration Service.

Frankly, Lily, I applaud the INS for doing its job so well. People like you are exactly the kind we're trying to keep out of our country - you're nothing but an untalented little twit with a big mouth. And by the way, would you please stop making fun of Amy Winehouse? I know you think it's cute and all, but come on - everyone knows that you're just jealous of her because she can actually sing and you can't. You Lily are nothing more than the British Britney Spears at this point, and in a couple of years, you will be nothing but a has-been like Britney. Then you'll be begging to be let in to America, in hopes that you can resurrect your dead career by appearing on a reality show. But it will be too late then. You'll have to sell your fat pasty ass for booze. Won't be so cheeky then, will we slag?

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Lily Allen's Visa Ripped

Adorably catty three-nippled singer Lily Allen has had her work visa revoked by U.S. authorities, placing her planned American tour in jeopardy. Allen was reportedly detained for five hours after landing at LAX Sunday, an experience that left her "distressed," and was subsequently told that she would have to get her visa renewed. Allen is planning on leaving for the U.K. now, but remains hopeful that her issues can be worked-out in time for her to play the scheduled dates.

Allen, it's being reported, was red-flagged by Immigration and Naturalization Services after an incident in London in March where she attacked a photographer and was arrested - hence her detainment by authorities in Los Angeles. I say bravo to INS for staying on top of this situation! The last thing we need, in this time of terrorism, is mouthy pop-stars being allowed to move freely into and out of our country. These people are a threat to our national security, and must be dealt with harshly. Now I'd like to see similar action taken against Amy Winehouse, who I've heard is planning on buying a house in Miami. Don't let the slaggy, cheeky British pop-stars win! Keep spending money America, and always remain vigilant. And don't forget to buy War Bonds and keep an eye on your neighbors. The Red Menace is still lurking out there, waiting for its chance. McCarthy was right!

(source)