I Feel Dirty Just Looking At Them

I hope LaBoof isn't too jealous that his dream girlfriend Megan Fox took Robert Pattinson to the Teen Choice Awards. You know Megan is all over that. Granted, Megan is all over pretty much anything with a dick or vagina (except LaBoof), but it's the extra vigor. She really almost means it when she goes down on Pattinson. He's so hot in a creepy lurking rapist way.

Question: Does Megan wake up in the morning wearing those "sexy" expressions that look like a precursor to dry heaves or does she wait until the cameras point at her?

Where's The Outrage?

People are completely pissed off about a health care plan they don't understand, and a looming threat of Socialism that doesn't exist...yet they have no problem with Miley Cyrus doing a pole dance on the Teen Choice Awards?

I'm convinced there's this dark conference room some place full of old, leering men, whose sole purpose in life is to see how much semi-pornographic titillation they can foist on the American public before people start actually objecting. "I've got it: Miley does a pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards! And if that doesn't work, we'll have Selena Gomez do a striptease on Regis and Kelly!"

Still waiting for the outrage. Gonna be waiting awhile I reckon. People who would make G.I. Joe a hit movie are probably not bright enough to realize their kids are being turned into sex maniacs right in front of them. "Well, she's a good Christian girl, plus it's on the TV. So it must be okay."

Lambs to the slaughter.

Publicity Stunt?

Kathy Griffin brought Levi Johnston as her date to the Teen Choice Awards. Most people will assume right away that this was just a publicity stunt on behalf of her stupid reality show, but I wouldn't be so hasty. I'm thinking there's a good chance Kathy really wanted to get in Levi's trousers and figured this would be a great come-on.

He's young. He's naive. He's already fucked his way through all the eligible pieces of tail in Alaska (who are not frequent callers to the meth hotline). He's ripe for the pickings. I just hope he doesn't chip a tooth on Griffin's neck. I've seen guy-wires that were less taut.

Liar Liar

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Kate Gosselin went on the Today Show and lied her Botoxed face off about pretty much everything. Among her fabrications: she still loves the "Jon she knew," she continues wearing her wedding ring because she "doesn't want to upset the children," and - the real doozy - she wakes up in the morning and "feels failure."

Sorry, but I don't believe Kate Gosselin has ever felt failure in her entire life. She's failed many times of course, but feeling it would mean admitting the failure to herself, and why should she do that when there are so many handy rationalizations just sitting there?

Makes Michael Seem Almost Sane

The loonies have a favorite new pastime: putting in claims on Michael Jackson's kids.

The latest, some woman going by the handle "Claire Elisabeth Fields Cruise," has reportedly filed three guardianship petitions in which she says she is married to Michael and is the biological mother of all his spawn. The same woman also claims to be the mother of one Tom Cruise's kids (which means she must be from Neptune).

Remember the good old days when these crackpots used to be content with calling in daily Kennedy assassination conspiracies to Art Bell and occasionally attending Sarah Palin rallies? Not anymore I guess.

Where's Oksana?

Mel Gibson leaving Nobu, looking...randy. No sign of Oksana. Don't tell me he's already tired of her.

“Don’t Worry About Me. I Am Going To Sleep.”

The Daily Mail has what they allege is the definitive dirt on Michael Jackson's final hours. The words "tortured" and "chaotic" seem appropriate. The thumbnail version:

• Jackson was out of his mind on drugs.
• Jackson didn't want to do the 50 shows in London.
• Jackson thought his financial people had sold him out.
• Jackson canceled a planned rehearsal with Blanket and spent the day wandering around in his jammies.
• Did I mention Jackson was out of his mind on drugs?
• Jackson locked himself in his room and began writing "dark poetry." The poems were found hanging from strings all over the room.
• Jackson wanted his father Joe to come over and take care of the evil money people who were screwing him. Security had apparently been keeping Joe out for weeks, for fear Joe would cancel the London shows.
• Jackson called Dr. Murray to give him his sleeping potion which included Diprivan.
• Jackson's last words: "Don't worry about me. I am going to sleep."

Forever.