Not Good, Anne

Don't get me wrong, I think Anne Hathaway is a beautiful girl, and a fantastic actress. Unfortunately, she just has one of those faces that...well, let's just say certain things are never going to work for her. Like helmets. And glasses. And there are certain angles she really shouldn't ever be shot from. You have to be careful with her is all.

Mucking Through

I'm not getting much of a buddy-buddy vibe off Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as they go about flogging their silly Bride Wars thing. Mostly I get a "we tolerate each other for business reasons" feel. Anne is clearly a much hotter prospect right now, a fact Hudson no doubt resents bitterly. And Anne probably fancies herself a serious artiste who is slumming in this thing and hates that she has to be around a frivolous twat like Hudson. Basically, they despise each other.

That's Using Your Head

Anne Hathaway had nothing to wear to this big event. She was driving around all frantic and wondering what she was going to do when she ran over some little animal. She got out of the car all hysterical with grief over injuring this poor innocent creature. She had no choice but to put it out of its misery so she got out the tire iron and finished it off. Then, as she stared at the mangled, flattened carcass, she realized...yes, she could fashion a dress out of it. Problem solved!

Get The Firehose

Anne Hathaway shows off her not-lesbianness with some scruffy dude she is apparently dating. Got that everyone? Anne Hathaway is not a lesbian. She likes men. Preferably the non-con-artist kind. Here's Anne a moment before the kiss:


When is Anne gonna get that schnozz taken care of? That's a beast. Sunglasses make it seem even bigger.

No, Jolie Didn't Adopt Hathaway...I Don't Think

Awards season sucks except for the random celeb combinations that always happen and the pics that document them. Oh look - Anne Hathaway and Angelina Jolie. Gosh, wouldn't it be awesome if they started hanging out? Angie could take Anne out to get tatted down and Anne could, I don't know, lick out Angie's vagina?

Why Does She Keep Bringing It Up?

Anne Hathaway went on Ellen Degeneres to promote Bride Wars or perhaps because she wants to pry Ellen away from Portia de Rossi (who looks to me like she'd happily knife anyone who fucked with her shit). Somehow the conversation turned to Anne's love life which has been rocky to say the least. Ellen, helpful dyke that she is, offered to find Anne a boyfriend (dyke code for "I'll help you find a lady bodybuilder with a ten-inch tongue"), and Anne replied, "At this point I would just like him to be law abiding," an obvious dig at her ex Raffaello Follieri who is currently in prison for being a con-artist. My question for Anne: Why, sweetie, if this guy caused you so much pain and so endangered your reputation, do you keep mentioning him every time you appear on television or do an interview? I would think that would you rather forget he existed and, more importantly, help your audience forget he existed so they could concentrate instead upon your talent, charm, radiance and luscious titties. Or maybe you want to forever be the chick who fucked the criminal douchebag who pretended to represent the Vatican? Trust me Anne - you don't.

Slag Wars

I wouldn't see Bride Wars under any circumstances. They could strap me down and prop my eyes open with some kind of Clockwork Orange contraption and run the thing in front of me and I'd find some way to leave my body so I wouldn't actually have to experience it. Is there any surer sign that a movie is going to reek than the presence of Kate Hudson in the cast? And what's with Anne Hathaway? I get the idea of paycheck work but damn...she's like the hottest thing walking the planet right now (I'm told) and this is the kind of shit she chooses to wallow in? She picks parts about as well as she picks boyfriends, apparently.

The New Angelina?

Don't worry, she didn't keep any of them - she just handed out some food courtesy of Netflix. The food was all scratched and full of fingerprints.

She Hasn't Learned

Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend Adam Shulman is apparently as big a social-climbing turd-bucket as her old boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. "Adam is known as an opportunist," a source told Page 6. "When he was at Brown [University], he went after all the heiresses. It's like Anne is addicted to losers." Aw, poor Anne. These guys must ply her with sob stories about their tough childhoods or something. "And then when I was seven my little doggy Patches ran out into the street and got run over by the UPS man." And Anne's blubbering and handing over credit cards. Stupid bitch.

Breaking News: Jail Sucks

Raffaello Follieri is not enjoying life in a federal lockup. The con-artist and former boyfriend of Anne Hathaway (before she ratted him out to the cops and dumped him) has complained to his lawyer that his new digs at Brooklyn's Metropolitan Detention Center stink intolerably, are infested with rats and have shit-smeared showers and bad food. Uh...that's why it's called jail hon. Did you think it was some ritzy hotel in Monaco you were staying at using money you'd stolen from the Catholics? "The room service is slower than hell in this place. And what's with this view?" Follieri is reportedly staying in a dorm he shares with 120 other unwashed men. Sounds like a bit of heaven to me. Stop bitching you little bitch.

Bye Bye Bitch

Raffaello Follieri has been sentenced to 54 months in prison for being a scumbag con artist piece of shit. In court, the slimebag's lawyer claimed Raffaello became "intoxicated" by his and Anne Hathaway's jet-setting lifestyle and perpetrated his various scams so he could keep the good times rolling. Wow - so basically he blamed her. If she hadn't been such a high-class piece of tail they would've been happy eating burgers and going to movies. But she made him steal so they could fly around the world hob-nobbing with the rich and beautiful. What a fucking sleaze.

Blimp

That's just the most unflattering dress of all-time right? Hathaway doesn't actually have the hips of a lesbian gym teacher. Maybe she's just trying to send Raffaello Follieri a reassuring message. "See? Being in jail's not so bad." Sweet of her.

Be Careful Bro

The dude with the wedding ring is supposedly Anne Hathaway's new mystery man. I don't know anything about it except that I hope for his sake it's just a rumor. That bitch is soulless and were I a heterosexual male I wouldn't want anything to do with her beyond a one-nighter. Did you see what she did to Follieri on Saturday Night Live? Okay, so it's a woman's right to trash her ex after her ex turns out to be a con-artist snake who nearly ruined her reputation. But damn. To do it on live television? Chick has a lump of coal for a heart.

Anal Fabrication

Anne Hathaway never said she likes it in the asshole in an interview with Esquire. I know guys, I'm sorry - but the whole thing was made up. Defamer got to the bottom of it - apparently the whole thing originated with a site called CelebDump. Congrats to the folks over there for concocting a completely fake story and basically suckering everyone on the internet. Did I mention the rumor I heard about Blake Lively? Apparently she enjoys donkey sex. She'll be confessing the whole thing in next month's issue of Bestiality Confidential. That's a good rag.

Letterman vs. Hathaway

David Letterman allegedly "grills" Anne Hathaway about her ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri in this video. You watch it (the "grilling" starts around 2:35) and tell me if you think he was really sticking it to her. She seems a tad uncomfortable with the subject but I hardly think she's "squirming" as some have suggested.

Yet His Kneecaps Remain Intact

Brandon Davis is up to his fat neck in debt, and is also being accused of stealing credit cards and art as he tries desperately to cling to his jet-setting, grease-dripping lifestyle. A rundown of Davis's known crimes:

• Stole an American Express card from Carnegie Mellon heir Matthew Mellon and ran up a $110,000 bill.
• Ran up a $100,000 tab on student David Kur's bookie account. "He's a very messed-up person," Mr. Kur said. "I wish I'd never met him.
• Stole art from dealer Andy Valmorbida and a credit card number which he abused to the tune of $75,000.
• Owes large amounts of money to the Beverly Hills Hotel, art collector Eugenio Lopez and fashion designer Max Azria.

Wanna know the sad thing about this? Paris Hilton is apparently the only one who's smart enough to not hang around with this beast anymore. This guy is so slimy, I expect Anne Hathaway to begin dating him any day now.

Full of It

Anne Hathaway says she lacks the nerve to make a spectacle of herself like other Hollywood starlets. "You know those girls that, like, go out? I'm just not confident enough to do that," Anne says. "I'm not the sort of girl that will throw on a short skirt and tease her hair up. ... Truly, I am a wallflower by nature." Obviously.

Oh Cripes

Anne Hathaway was caught sneaking a smoke in some dingy back alley outside some venue at the Toronto Film Festival. "Her people don't want anyone to know she smokes," a source told Rush & Molloy. Dear Anne - tell your people to go fuck themselves and smoke all you want. Your life is a mess and if cigs are your only solace, puff away sister.

Buck-Toothed Liar

Anne Hathaway took her time and got her bullshit together and now she's ready to "open up" about the arrest of her criminal boyfriend Raffaelo Follieri. "As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for Get Smart," she told the magazine W. "And then I spent a week in shock at a friend's house." In shock? Why would you have been in shock when you already knew he was going to be arrested and were in fact responsible for him being arrested? Who are you trying to kid with this stuff Anne? Everyone knows you ratted him out. No one really blames you for it either - he was scum and you realized it wasn't worth sacrificing your career for him so you sold him out. Anyone in your position, who had no personal integrity whatsoever, would've done the same. By the way, I heard there was an opening in the McCain-Palin campaign for someone with a stone heart and no scruples...

On the Prowl

Anne Hathaway is in Venice for the film festival. Are you an Italian guy thinking of making a play for darling Anne? Check her for wires first.