Who Was The Matchmaker? Satan?

I go to sleep all innocent as a lamb then wake up to discover that Russell Brand is chasing Katy Perry all over Europe. Now I may never sleep again!

No, it's not a joke - Brand says he is in love with Perry and has even sent her a love poem. The Daily Mail says Katy replied to the poem with a photograph of her tits that had the word "poem" written on it.

Because she couldn't think of a poem, you see? Because she is stupid. Because every time she is lost for words she resorts to showing her tits. Which is all the time.

And why am I so disturbed by this? Because Russell Brand and Katy Perry are the two most insufferable people in the world and the thought of them together is almost more than I can take. I would sooner have Mischa Barton hook up with Michael Lohan. I would rather endure the thought of Maggie Gyllenhaal fucking Mike Huckabee.

Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean double-teaming Glenn Beck (he wishes) would be less irritating than Brand putting his brand on that brainless cow Perry. Ugh, I'm going to be sick.

9 1/2 Weeks Was A Long Time Ago

The first picture of Mickey Rourke as bad guy Whiplash in Iron Man 2. Watching former wash-outs Rourke and Robert Downey, Jr. have at it in this movie should be amusing. Unfortunately, in order to enjoy this clash of the erstwhile junkie titans, we will have to endure both Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson. What, Maggie Gyllenhaal wasn't available?

Scaring The Children

Maggie Gyllenhaal has hooked up with Fisher Price to launch a new line of eco-friendly baby gear, plus she showed up at some big event to present a $250,000 check on behalf of the toy manufacturer to some conservation society. Great. She supports children and the environment. And she's also against cancer and rape, I'm guessing. Wow. She cares. So much. About good things. Unfortunately, all the little kids at the Fisher Price deal are now going to have nightmares after being exposed to Maggie's pug-nosed, jowly hideousness. And I say this shit has to stop. No more Maggie's face in public. Put a bag over the bitch. Hell no, we won't go...wherever Maggie is until she stops inflicting her ugliness on us.

I would like to officially declare myself the Martin Luther King of the anti-Maggie Gyllenhaal's Face movement. I have a dream: That one day, no child will have to lie awake at night sweating and pissing their pants because they can't get the image of Maggie's mutant mush out of their little tortured minds. No justice, no peace.

The Glare Of Death

Maggie Gyllenhaal is bothered by photographers while trying to walk through New York and gives them the glare of death which is even more powerful than Keira Knightley's glare of death. I didn't realize how ugly Maggie was until I watched The Dark Knight in high-def. Motherfuck that is one deformed-looking ho. I'm surprised her father didn't leave her on a doorstep for negros to raise like Benjamin Button's.

Failed Economic Plan

Stephen Gyllenhaal and Naomi Foner are on their way to a divorce, and now we've learned that they are also broke as a joke. Naomi blamed the whole thing on Stephen in the divorce filing, saying, "I have repeatedly asked Stephen to pay his one-half share of our bills, and he has refused to do so." An email to Naomi from Stephen, which is also included in the filing, laid out his plan for dealing with the crisis:

I have been clear that if worse comes to worse, I will let all of this collapse into ruin, just as I believe letting the markets crash and burn [is] the right approach. Pain now for clarity and balance later.

In other words you have no money and you're too lazy to get a job and Maggie and Jake aren't returning your calls. God, what losers these people are. How did they manage to ever spawn a couple of high achievers like Jakey-poo and Pug-Nose? Ambition skips a generation, I guess.

Furry Fuggenfreak

Everyone's shitting themselves because Maggie Gyllenhaal wore this fur vest to some bullshit MoMa event honoring Baz Luhrmann (what did he ever do besides ruin Romeo and Juliet and rip off Camille for his dreadful Moulin Rouge debacle?). I know what would be a perfect punishment for Maggie - they should skin her, make a jacket out of her and give her to one of the Olsen Twins. Actually, no - even an Olsen Twin wouldn't be caught wearing something so hideous. They should just skin her and then throw away the skin and take the horrible, still-living skinless Maggie and drop her in a big vat of lemon juice. Yeah. That works.

Maggie the Cat?

Rumors are circulating that Maggie Gyllenhaal will be brought back for Batman 3 as Catwoman (those who've seen Dark Knight realize the twist this represents). The rumor is based on a report that both Maggie and Aaron Eckhart signed for two Batman films, meaning each would return for the third installment (Eckhart's return would also require some serious 'splaining). Maggie, if the rumor is true, would usurp Angelina Jolie, whom the fanboys apparently favor as the next Catwoman. I still like Amy Winehouse for the part but the chances of getting insurance on her are pretty much nil. Maybe Shia could do it? An eight-fingered drag-queen Catwoman...it would be different anyway.

Too Mean

A reader posted a link to this video for a song called "Ugly Maggie" which is about Maggie Gyllenhaal. I'm sorry but this is way too mean. It's one thing to snipe at someone in a blog, quite another to go all-out and record a song and make a video. That's a dedicated sort of nastiness far beyond the Crabster who, despite what some of you may think, doesn't actually care about any of these people enough to really honestly hate them. Plus Maggie was okay in Dark Knight...ugly as ass, but okay.

Okay I'll Give it Up...

Fugmunch almost looks cute here. Mom-puncher needs to look into some lifts though. Batman should not be shorter than Batman's would-be girlfriend who's fucking the handsome DA.

Smart Move Ugly

Maggie Gyllenhaal admits that criticism bothers her...and that's why she no longer reads anything about herself.

The amount of scrutiny can be unbearable. It's sometimes really hurtful. I've decided, in order to protect myself, that I'm not going to look at any pictures [of myself] or to pay attention to anything anyone says about me.

So you won't know it if I call you a pug-nosed, Nixon-jowled, flappy-titted tumor? Well, that sort of takes the fun out of it...

Maggie Fugs Up Kimmel

Being in a blockbuster means doing the talk show circuit. All actors hate this, but it's doubly bothersome for Maggie Gyllenhaal, the noted academic, who is forced to suffer inane questions that are far beneath her. She tries very hard to be charming and cute but you can tell she just wants to get away. Nice Kimmel line about Katie Holmes being abducted.

Dark Knight Hype

The Dark Knight is getting hyped to high-heaven. Will it break $150 million this weekend? Will Heath Ledger get a posthumous Oscar nomination? Will Maggie Gyllenhaal inspire a whole generation of young males to give homosexuality a try? We can only hope...

I may see it this weekend, if I can gird up my loins and endure all those teenage boys with their Red Bull buzzes and Axe body-spray reek. Or maybe I'll take advantage of the emptiness of the other theaters to see something I've missed so far like Wall E or Journey to the Center of the Earth. I definitely won't be seeing Mamma Mia! I couldn't imagine anything lamer than a musical with Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep. Hugh Jackman should be in that...all musicals should have Hugh Jackman in them. Hell, all movies should have Hugh Jackman in them (I realize that would tire him out, but I'm selfish and don't care).

Speaking of Hugh Jackman...the only Christopher Nolan movie I ever liked was The Prestige, with its gorgeous lighting and twisty, metaphysically puzzling plot. I was never a huge Memento guy...just running the story backward isn't that great a gimmick, and Guy Pearce has always struck me as shallow. And Batman Begins was just a big fat snore. Truthfully, the only reason anyone cares so much about Dark Knight is Ledger. It's morbid curiosity mostly. It's probably an earth-shattering performance anyway, but the fact that he died is naturally going to make it seem more profound. So it's kind of cheating.

I notice I didn't mention Christian Bale. That's because Christian Bale doesn't interest me and never has. He's good at playing psychos, but when human warmth is called for, better get someone else. I bet he has a chandelier made out of a Chinese girl's skeleton stashed away somewhere.

Who is She Kidding?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is leaving New York because, according to her, the paparazzi won't leave her alone.

It's a constant effort. When we moved out of the city, to Brooklyn, that helped a lot. Still, there will be paparazzi, but I just know. I will never take Ramona into SoHo, I will never ever take her into the West Village, because they'll pounce on her. We'll probably ultimately just move to the country.

Then you come into the city, you know what to expect, there'll be some paparazzi. I'll go to an event, I'll get dressed up, they can take my picture there [and] just have my family life be separate.

That's kind of funny because, in all my looking around for paparazzi pictures, I almost never see Maggie Gyllenhaal and her kid. Maybe once a month. Are they taking the pictures and just not putting them out there? Or is Maggie exaggerating the hounding because she desperately wants us to think she's important? And what's she going to do after she moves out to the country and can't find any academics to hang out with? She's going to be lonely with only people of normal brain power around. Maybe she'll go insane and kill herself! Nah...I ain't that lucky.

Dark Knight Premiere

The Dark Knight is being rolled out with all the usual ceremony. How nice of Maggie to lower herself and hang out with mere actors for a little while. We all know she prefers the company of other academics like herself (snigger). Aaron Eckhart needs to be tied up in my closet now! Bale? Too spooky and intense. Plus his teeth annoy me.

Jealous Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal is clearly the jealous sort...that's why she has such a hard time watching her fiance Peter Sarsgaard's sex scenes.

"I hate it when Peter does a love scene," the ugly bitch told Tatler. "He's very understanding – it doesn't seem to bother him [when I do one]."

It does bother whatever poor sod has to act with you though. Do you get hazard pay for that kind of thing? Blindness insurance?

Maggie Gyllenhaal is the World's Greatest Baby Shutter-Upper

Maggie Gyllenhaal may be the greatest mother in the history of the world. Her mothering skills are so amazing, in fact, that she routinely uses them to calm other people's hysterical kids...like the time some brats threatened to ruin a film shoot with their crying.

"I get to working with a five year old and two 11-month-old twins, who screamed through the entire day," Maggie said.

"If I had not been a mom and known how to calm a baby, talk and hold the baby, the whole day would've been wasted.

"I thought, 'Thank God I'm a mother.' But I didn't feel like I've gone to work and expressed myself and now I'm ready to go home to my baby. I felt like I was a mother all day on that movie."

Sounds to me like you're wasting your time being an actress, Maggie. You should begin some kind of professional baby shutting-up service instead. You could go around to grocery stores and shopping malls and make people's little brats close their flapping yaps. Then we could get some peace at last.

Oh, let's face it...the reason those kids shut up for Maggie was because they were terrified of her. One look at that mug and their little vocal cords froze from fear. They'll probably be scarred for life now. Good job, you pug-nosed eye-rapist.

Thank You Ramona

The heinous Maggie Gyllenhaal says motherhood has at least partially cured her of the acting bug.

"I do think that it's really difficult to get me away from [Ramona]," she said. "It's difficult to find a script that's good enough for me to think, 'Okay, I really need to do this instead of being with my daughter.'"

Ramona...you have no idea what a service you've done the human race by coming along and discouraging your mother from taking acting roles. Statues will be erected to you in the future, Ramona. You will be hailed for all-times as the one who at last rescued our eyes from the oppressive ugliness of she who brought you into the world.

All hail, Ramona the Great!!!

Heath Ledger's Death Has Been Hard on Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal on Heath Ledger's death and the media's coverage of same:

"It's hard to talk about how [Ledger's death] affected me personally. It's been really hard for me.

"[And] the media has shocked me with the way that they've been disrespectful in some ways."

First of all Maggie...the word "media" is plural, therefore you should say "the media have shocked me." You'd think an academic like you would know that.

Second of all...no one cares if Heath's death affected you personally. Your feelings are a matter of utter indifference to everyone. We only wish it had been you and not Heath laid out in that apartment. A brilliant actor has to die while a mutt-faced pile of shit like you continues to ooze across the earth. Where's the justice?

Hey Maggie...Where's Your Lamp?

I don't know what the CFDA awards are...I only know that Maggie Gyllenhaal showed up looking like some kind of genie/geisha/gladiator. Maggie just decided to mix up as many different influences as she could I guess. That's what you do when you're a daring style icon. It's also a great way to distract people from your hideous face.

I'll Never Eat Ben & Jerry's Again...

Any fat-asses out there looking to cut back on their ice cream consumption...just tape this picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal chomping down Ben & Jerry's to your fridge. After you look at it, you won't be able to even think about ice cream without vomiting.