Serial Killer Waiting To Happen

I'm offering a bounty to whoever can find a picture of one of Denise Richards' kids looking happy. And I don't mean just smiling, because smiling doesn't necessarily equal happy. I mean genuinely happy.

No, this is not a monetary deal. Find the picture and I'll think well of you. That's about it. Actually, forget the picture. I don't really care.

The Freaks Come Out At Night

Hollywood is nothing but a giant freak show. Don't believe me? Look at this picture of Denise Richards and Mena Suvari. Do those look like normal people to you? Do those look like the kind of people you'd enjoy encountering at a gas station at 3 am when you're desperate for your Slushee fix? "I'm just trying to get some sugar in me ma'am. Please stop looking at me with your eyes which are like something out of my very darkest nightmares."

The Wonk And The Wack

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and Denise Richards? Charlie never paid Denise for it.

Happy Ending

Denise Richards's two miserable kids are said to be fine after getting in a car accident with their nanny. The wreck involved four vehicles and reportedly began when the SUV driven by the nanny was cut off by another vehicle not driven by Britney Spears. The kids were spared injury because they were in their car seats. That's cause the nanny was driving. Had Denise been driving the kids would've been flung from the vehicle and off a cliff into the ocean to be rescued by passing Polynesian fisherman in an outrigger canoe. I don't know why the Polynesians were anywhere near California.

That's When You Know You're Done For

Lindsay Lohan is losing jobs faster than Gary Busey is losing brain cells. First she was dropped from Ugly Betty for being a bitch, and now she's been ditched as host of the World Music Awards for pitching a diva fit when it was suggested she might not be able to handle her duties without a co-host. Producers reportedly wanted to bring in Jesse Metcalfe to back her up - and it was the producers who then had to back up to avoid being spattered with hot bitch lava.

"Lindsay was furious that she wasn't the star," a source said. "The organizers had gone through a list of who was hot at the moment and returned to Lindsay again. But the feedback they got was really negative. They got worried and decided to change it. In the end it was decided by both parties it was better if she pulled out."

And you know what makes the story really hilarious? The World Music Awards have decided to replace Lohan with Denise Richards. Yes, the same Denise Richards who appears utterly insane every time you see her. Producers decided Denise was more stable and reliable than Lindsay. A woman who lives in pig shit and voluntarily fucked Charlie Sheen! Dear Lindsay: Your career is so in the crapper even Joe the Plumber couldn't get it out. Better marry Sam Ronson before she comes to her senses.

Charlie Spawn

Charlie Sheen's woman Brooke Mueller is knocked up. And yes, Charlie did the knocking up...I'll assume until the DNA test comes back. Brooke seems less crazy than Denise but then again I've never heard her speak or actually seen her except for pictures like this. She could be daffy as fuck for all I know. Apparently, genetically, crazy doesn't cancel crazy. Those kids of Charlie and Denise's are going to be batshit.

L.A. Police Chief Knows His Celebs

L.A. police chief William Bratton knows why paparazzi activity has quieted down in his city...it's because their favorite targets are no longer so interesting:

If you notice, since Britney [Spears] started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris [Hilton] is out of town not bothering anybody anymore — thank God — and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue.

Bratton obviously follows celeb news pretty closely. So he thinks it's real between Lindz and Sam? I wonder what he thinks of Shia's problems. And Charlie and Denise. Gosh, he must have a lot of time on his hands. Being police chief of a major, crime-ridden city is apparently not that taxing a job.

Sheen/Richards Ugliness

More bombs are being lobbed in the Charlie Sheen v. Denise Richards war. Last week, Denise tried making the case that Charlie was abusing their daughters, claiming they were "behaving strangely." Charlie's lawyers countered that attack by showing video of them with him acting far more normally than they do around Denise and her menagerie. Insiders claim Denise is trying to push the insanity to new heights for the sake of her reality show, which is suffering low ratings and may not be picked up by E!

"Denise's accusations were vile," a source said. "She was basically trying to say Charlie [manipulated] the kids and acted inappropriately with them. It's disgusting and totally untrue. Charlie is furious . . . Denise has really pushed it too far this time.

"She thinks a court battle would be good for ratings so she wants all overnight visits with the girls ceased, and monitored visits with her nanny. She invited the media circus to the hearing and even wanted reporters in the judge's chambers - which wasn't allowed. It's ridiculous."

Sheen plans on suing for defamation, then seeking full custody of the kids. Poor Denise. What will she do when she has no reality show, no home (her neighbors are trying to get her kicked out) and no kids? She'll have to lay around all day playing with her pigs and her dogs. Oh wait...she already does that. Well, she'll be fine then.

I say the court should give the kids to Kevin Federline. I really don't trust Charlie. I think there's a chance he could sell them for drugs.

Richards Run Out of Town

Insane reality TV star Denise Richards has been forced to sell her Hidden Hills, California home after neighbors complained about her activities.

Issue #1: The havoc wreaked in the community by the TV crew always being around. Issue #2: Denise's menagerie of pigs and other animals.

"This is a gated community, not a zoo," one irate former Richards neighbor told the Star.

Los Angeles County Department of Animal Care + Control investigated, and told Richards she had to acquire a kennel license in order to keep her 14 dogs on the premises.

Unconditional love is great and all, but no one needs it that bad.

Denise Richards Really Loves Her Pigs

A lesser blogger would go straight for the Charlie Sheen joke. But I'm better than that.

That pig needs a drug test now.

Denise Richards Going Bollywood

Lunatic pig farmer Denise Richards is making a last-ditch effort to rescue her acting career...by signing on to appear in a Bollywood super-production.

The Hindi film, Kambakkht Ishq, is set to be made at Universal Studios in Hollywood, and star Bollywood big-shots Akshay Kumar and Kareena Kapoor. The film's producer, Sajid Nadiadwala, has reportedly also gotten Sylvester Stallone to sign on for the movie, and was at one time supposed to be pursuing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Beyonce as well.

I'm guessing that Sajid couldn't get Schwarzenegger and Beyonce and has had to settle for Stallone and Richards. Denise's role is described as a "special appearance" - well really, what appearance of Denise's isn't special?

We might as well get used to these Hollywood/Bollywood teamings...because we're going to be seeing more of them in the future. And I for one am all for it. Hollywood movies are so boring and lame...an infusion of music, dancing and hilariously dumb melodramatic plotting can only be a plus. Soon all our starlets will be sporting forehead dots and marrying trees (a tree would be a major step-up in Denise's case).

Happy Denise Richards

Denise Richards hanging from a jungle gym. You know this is what she'd like to do all day...frolic in a playground. Poor thing is basically a big retarded child. Well, okay...she'd like to fuck and smoke dope too. And take care of her pigs.

Denise Richards is one weird chick, isn't she?

Denise Richards v. Charlie Sheen - The Crazy Train Rolls On

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen will never stop sniping at each other...I hope.

The latest round of Sheen-Richards unpleasantness has centered around Sheen's claim that Denise sent an email to Charlie's fiance Brooke Mueller asking Charlie to donate sperm so Denise could turkey-baster herself with it and produce another creepy, staring kid.

Richards, naturally, has vehemently denied this ever happened.

"I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm," Denise said. "I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

Richards also describes the response she got from Charlie after a recent message she sent him:

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you fucking whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.

"He missed Dad's day at the school and my father had to go in his place. And this is how he talks to me?"

Sheen's reps have hit back at Denise's denial of the sperm email:

"Denise seems to be denying the existence of [the] e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a [live] TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA - it is conclusive."

What show do they have a deal with, America's Biggest Dirtballs? The Craziest, Most Fucked Up People on Earth? What channel is this show on and at what time will it be airing? Are Charlie and Denise going to be on together? Better run them both through a metal detector first...wouldn't want any unfortunate stabbings, bludgeonings or shootings happening on live TV.

Crazy Denise

Denise Richards has begun her quest to paddle from California to Hawaii on a surfboard. Unfortunately, Denise has no sense of direction, and has just been going around in a circle about fifteen yards off the beach in Malibu.

In other news...Charlie Sheen once had sex with a shark.

Denise Richards Chugs Some Crazy Juice

Oh man...that elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. That elevator doesn't even get out of the lobby.

That elevator has fallen through the floor into the basement.

Denise Richards's Kids Creep Me Out

I know it makes me evil but I don't care - I get the creeps every time I see wild-eyed Denise Richards and her little Village of the Damned spawn. The one on the right especially. She could stare down Satan.

Denise Has Fun With The Kiddies

"Um, mommy - we know it's not daddy. Please stop saying every filthy animal we see is daddy. And please buy me some clothes to put on my dolly. People are going to think we're poor."

Charlie Sheen Is One Nasty Dude

I was paying no attention to the unpleasantness between meathead Charlie Sheen and his ex-ho Denise Richards - until news came out of the nasty emails Charlie sent Denise. Then I perked up.

Where the hell was I on this story? Denise accusing Charlie of picking up underage boys on the internet? Sending pictures of his pee-pee to people? This is fucking great. And now Charlie's emails ratchet it up even another notch. A sampling of Charlie's venom includes this little missive:

You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself, you sad jobless pig.

That's kind of unfair, isn't it? I mean, didn't Denise have a part in some Pam Anderson movie? Weren't they shooting someplace in Canada when Pam and Denise chucked some laptops at photogs and hit an old lady in a wheelchair? Yeah. So, obviously, Denise is not jobless.

Charlie doesn't stop there though. Crazy bastard also had to bring Denise's cancer-stricken mother into the conversation. Said Charlie in response to something Denise said:

Go cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.

Oh, Charlie - you crossed the line there pal. Now I wouldn't mind a bit if Denise went after your peener with an electric knife.

Of course Charlie has a response to all this:

I will not dignify the majority of these allegations set forth by Denise Richards with any measure of response. On its best day it remains laughable and inane...Brooke [Mueller, Sheen's fiancee] and I remain committed to the task at hand. These unlawful and diabolical accusations will not distract us from the focus of our resolve...I am making every possible effort to assure that the courts focus on my children and their welfare. My refusal to dignify garbage needs to be understood in the context of the history of this case and Denise's need and desire to make it about issues that do not involve anything other than her emotions.

You know Charlie wrote that himself too. He thinks his halfway-decent command of English makes him sound reasonable and smart. But he wasn't smart enough to not get caught emailing pictures of his dick around. Nor did he figure out that someone would save the messages he sent Denise and that they would probably end up getting leaked. So who's the stupid bimbo Charlie?

I thought The Cassandra Crossing was the worst disaster Martin Sheen ever had a hand in. But I was wrong.

(source)