Nicole Kidman Also Can't Stand Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman makes a rule of not watching her own movies - putting her in tune with the vast majority - but she did make an exception for Australia, the epic Baz Luhrmann disaster she starred in with Hugh Jackman. Unfortunately, the experience only reminded Nicole why she normally avoids seeing herself on-screen. "I can't look at this movie and be proud of what I've done," Nicole explained. "I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?'" Keith would've answered but he was too busy sneaking a swig from the flask he had tucked away inside his suit-coat. Honestly, Nicole - if you hate your movies so much, why not just stop making them? You think anyone cares?

Stop Kissing Up To The Hillbillies, Bitch

Nicole Kidman says she wants her daughter Friday Rhododendron to speak like a redneck when she grows up. "I hope she has a Southern accent," Kidman told the Nashville Tennesseean in an interview. And busted teeth and freaky eyes - so she can have her own Disney show. Keith needs to get working on his mullet. And I'd book the vaguely suggestive Vanity Fair photoshoot at least five years in advance. Wouldn't want Jamie Lynn Spears's kid beating you to the hillbilly jailbait finish line, would you?

Is She In Character Yet?

Nicole Kidman will reportedly play a tranny in a new movie co-starring Charlize Theron as her lover. This sounds like perfect casting to me. Except for the part about Charlize wanting to have sex with Nicole Kidman. Even Keith Urban doesn't want to have sex with Nicole Kidman. The only one who wants to have sex with Nicole Kidman is her plastic surgeon, and that's just out of gratitude.

At least Nicole has finally decided to be realistic about her choice of roles. Let's face it - "real woman" is something that's long been out of her range. And even tranny is stretching it - unless the tranny is half-human/half-wax-dummy.

The Real Reason Kidman and Urban Won't Sell the Baby Pics

Why have Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban refused to sell pictures of their new baby Sunday Rose? Are they taking a principled stand against baby-pimping? Did they get low-balled in their offers? Or, is there a deeper, darker reason for them to keep Sunday out of the public eye? Is there a secret they're trying to protect? What might we find out if we got a good peep at little Sunday? Would we realize that she doesn't really look like either Nicole or Keith? Why wouldn't she? Mmm...maybe because she was adopted? And Nicole was never pregnant but wore a prosthetic bump all those months?

The whole thing was a big plot to make people think Nicole had her own kid, when in fact the kid was adopted. Because of this, we will never get a good look at Sunday Rose. Other people will of course, and they will make comments...but speculation as to Sunday's true origins will remain just that. There will be rumors and innuendos but no good pictures by which we might judge for ourselves. Devious.

Not So Principled?

Did Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban make a principled stand by not selling their baby pics...or did they just not like the offers they were getting?

"She wanted $3 million and we weren't going to pay that," a rep for one celeb rag said. $3 million is what Matthew McConaughey got...and it's twice what Jessica Alba got. You mean Sunday Rose's pics aren't worth more than little Whatever McConaughey's? No wonder Nicole refused the deal.

Oh, I'm sorry...they're above that sort of shameless kid-pimping. Right. Sure.

Well Aren't They Special

Botox-face and her drunk husband Keith Urban have rejected big-money offers for pics of their new baby Sunday Rose. A source told the Sydney Morning Herald:

They don't think it's appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about [it] - if and when they will release a photo at all. But they realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that.

Their refusal to pimp out their kid makes them better than other celebs I guess. Or maybe there's something wrong with little Sunday. Maybe she got some kind of weird Botox infection and looks like a little wax doll. Or maybe she's already on the sauce because of her daddy's genes. A lot of things could be going on here.

Nicole Kidman Gives Birth

Nicole Kidman gave birth Monday morning in Nashville according to reports. The daughter, Sunday Rose, is the first child for Nicole and her boozing husband Keith Urban. Nicole has two adopted kids left over from her marriage to Tom Cruise, but of course she no longer sees them. Angelina Jolie plans to head off this sudden surge of publicity for Kidman by popping her twins in the next day or so.

Nicole Kidman's Bodyguard is Willing to Die for Her

We already knew Nicole Kidman's bodyguard was willing to beat the shit out of photographers to protect her privacy, but now we've learned that he's also willing to lay down his own life for the same.

Stunned paps discovered the lengths to which Kidman's protector would go when they attempted to chase her and Keith Urban after the couple exited New York's Music Box. Their efforts were thwarted, they claim, when the bodyguard exited Nicole and Keith's SUV and lay down in the street to block any would-be pursuers.

"It was unbelievable," one pap said. "We couldn't move. I've never seen anything like this. After about five minutes, this guy just got up, wished us all a nice evening and strolled off.

"You can only hope that Nicole pays this guy a fortune."

I'm disappointed in the paps, quite frankly. I thought they were more persistent than this. Must be a New York thing. The L.A. paps would've just made a speed-bump out of the guy.

Nicole Kidman's Face Grows Ever More Disturbing

Everyone wants to talk about Nicole Kidman's preggo bump...but screw dat. I want to talk about her face.

Specifically, I want to talk about the fact that I may now be seeing her face in my nightmares for the rest of my life.

I mean, seriously Nicole...whatever it is you're doing to that thing, please stop.

I don't know if it's Botox or sheep's blood or Kryptonite or what the fuck she's using. I just know the result isn't good. Unless she's in fact trying to turn herself into Renee Zellweger. In that case, everything is right on track.

And Keith Urban...Pete Wentz called, he wants his look back.

Seriously Keith...going Emo hillbilly from the neck up is not going to help you.

Nicole Kidman: Spot the Bump

Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I think.

Right now her lips look more swollen than her belly. Maybe she's carrying the baby in her lips?

Nicole Kidman Gets Weirder

Check out the hair on Nicole Kidman. It's pulled almost as tight as her face now. Honestly, I'm afraid one of these days her whole skull is going to rip open from the tension.

Is she starting to show a little bit?

I can smell Keith Urban just from this picture. Cigarettes and Nicole-twat.

Nicole Kidman's Hair Is Messed Up

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at the Australian Open. Okay, time to address Nicole's hair. Chick is clearly going bald. Yes, I know, your hair falls out when you're pregnant. But Nicole's had that particular style going for awhile now, and it always looked a bit weird. From this pic, it almost seems she's trying to do some kind of comb-back to cover a bald spot on top. Which is not working because the hair is receding up the side too. Chick's stuff is more fucked-up than Donald Trump's - and that's way fucked-up people.

Kidman Gives In, Admits Being Pregnant

This time it's not just some dubious internet rumor - this time, Nicole Kidman really is pregnant. The actress and her husband Keith Urban have confirmed it, through Nicole's rep Catherine Olim.

All I can say to Nicole is...don't let that kid around Tom Cruise! Otherwise it will end up believing it has aliens living in it, and will start calling you "Nicole" instead of "mom."

Congrats to Nicole and Keith.

(source)

Kidman Pregnant

It's Saturday so that means Nicole Kidman must be pregnant again. Seriously, this chick gets knocked up more often than Tara Reid falls on her ass - and yet she never actually gets around to pumping out a kid. The latest "report" comes from The Daily Mail which says Kidman and husband Keith Urban broke the pregnancy news to their families over Christmas. When I see a big huge belly on Kidman I'll believe it. Hopefully, if she does finally have a kid, it will call her "mom" and not "Nicole" or "skinny taut-faced lady we're not allowed to call mother cause our midget daddy said he'd shoot us in the ass with his ray-gun."

(source)

Kidman Hitting The Road With Urban

Nicole Kidman is taking a year off from movies to accompany hubby Keith Urban on his tour. Nicole said:

You have a sort of gypsy life when you're married to a musician, so I'll be traipsing around on tour next year.

Oh yeah, Nicole will be following Keith on-tour. And keeping a close eye on him too. And if any groupie so much as winks at him, she'll snap her fingers and the men in the sunglasses will fall upon the tart and drag her off, and the poor little slut will never be seen again.

Seriously Nicole, do you think anyone in Hollywood cares that you're taking a year off? "Oh no, Nicole's not going to be here. I guess that means no more wildly successful movies like The Golden Compass and The Stepford Wives." Pardon me Nicole, but it's not like you've been doing yourself any favors with the work you have been doing. So yeah - take a year off. Make the supreme sacrifice of not participating in anymore box-office duds. Oh, and conveniently time your vacation for when there are no new projects being started anyway because of the writer's strike. Yeah, you're all about giving up your own career for your husband. As if you had one to give up.

(source)

So Pretty

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban look so great together, don't they? Their skin-tones are so natural and healthy-looking. And look at Nicole's amazingly smooth forehead. Keith doesn't even need a mirror when he wants to check his mascara.

Nicole Kidman Is Pregnant

Wild-haired movie-star Nicole Kidman has become pregnant, according to Woman's Day magazine. Kidman had been taking fertility treatments for months, reports the mag, and has finally managed to become sperminated by hubby Keith Urban. Says a source close to Nicole and Keith:

They've been riding on clouds since they got the news. Nicole's been hoping for this since the day they got married. Everyone knows how she's been aching to have a baby. It's all she's been talking about for ages

So, I guess Keith's years of drinking and drugging didn't render him impotent after all. Great job Keith. And Nicole - congratulations to you, babe. Something finally managed to take root in that barren womb of yours. Now you'll have a little nipper to mold and shape as you see fit. One word of advice though - keep the poor little kid away from Tom, all right? If it's a girl and she's cute enough, that sick fuck might try to marry her.

(source)

Nicole Kidman Is Out To Lunch

Nicole Kidman lunches with Keith Urban and some friends in L.A. People have been all negative about Nicole's new hairstyle, but I think it's great. If a tornado blows through, everyone else's hair will be all messed-up, and Nicole will be like, "Sucks for y'all." That's called thinking ahead.



Ugh, why do I get the feeling Nicole is one of those women who never shuts up? And why do I get the feeling Keith wishes he could have a cocktail?



She still hasn't shut up. And she still looks like a dog with its head out the car window. And Keith still needs a drink.

Kidman Tightens The Screws On Urban

Treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic may have gotten Keith Urban sober, but it's his wife Nicole Kidman who's taken responsibility for keeping him from relapsing. And Nicole's not screwing around either. The fiery actress has ordered her husband to stop seeing certain old friends she thinks are a bad influence on him, and even made him fire some of his long-time booze-swilling roadies. And if you're an old drinking buddy of Keith's, don't even bother trying to get in touch with him - cause Nicole doesn't allow those calls to go through.

Now, I think it's lovely that Nicole is so worried about her husband, but...am I the only one who thinks the bitch sounds a little too controlling? All right, so maybe Keith needs to be kept on a short leash. He was a pretty serious drunk before, and sometimes tough-love is what a person like that requires. However, when I hear about Nicole's demands on Keith, I can't help thinking of another person, once also married to Nicole Kidman, who is himself known for being a bit of a dictatorial shit. Of course I'm talking about Tom Cruise. Nicole not letting Keith's friends talk to him on the phone sounds a lot like Tom putting a cap on how many minutes Katie is allowed to talk to her friends. Of course, the motives here are at least superficially different - Nicole's trying to keep Keith from becoming a drunk again, while Tom - well, he's just batshit. But I say "superficially different" because - well, you never know do you? Maybe Nicole is a female version of Tom Cruise. Vice-like in her psychological grip. Makes you wonder what kind of stuff went on in their relationship. Could Kidman's controlling nature have somehow shaped Tom's? Was Nicole actually his mentor in tyranny? What are the chances of Keith and Katie perpetrating some kind of mutual bust-out and ending up together? Has my toast popped up yet?

Kidman And Urban Get Some Chow

Nicole Kidman and scruffy country-star hubby Keith Urban grab a bite to eat at Mr. Chow. Wow, they look really comfortable together. Nope - no awkwardness between these two. Jeez, I wonder how much longer they're going to keep up the charade - everyone knows he's a two-timing snake in the grass and she's just an emotional Vesuvius waiting to erupt.

(By the way - this picture is honestly the best one of the set. Paps didn't do their job. Come on guys - we need good pics of dining celebs. Get some fricking angles we can work with. Don't be intimidated just because one crazy nut went after some of your brothers with an umbrella.)