The Love For The Ages Is Over (Again)

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling have broken their fan's heart by once again splitting up. Their new relationship only got going over the summer - as documented by stomach-churning pictures like the above - and already Rachel has ruined it by trying to take possession of Gosling's man-jewels. "Rachel is too controlling," a source said. "They broke up the first time because of their busy schedules and that's the problem again." He doesn't want you trying to take over his soul Rachel. He's his own man. He's not Brad Pitt.

No Getting Around It

Ryan Gosling is a fine actor but he seems like he'd be a bitch to have to hang out with on a consistent basis. That's probably why Rachel McAdams broke it off with him for awhile. She needed a breather. That dude is so stuck on himself and his whole little serious artist thing.

Dopes Redux

Perez Hilton's sources say Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are officially unbroken-up and currently wallowing in each other's dullness in Toronto. "Yay!" is all Perez offers by way of commentary. "Eh" is all I am able to add to that. A lot of no-life-having types who become emotionally invested in the romantic escapades of the famous are probably happy to hear this. I think it's sad that neither Ryan nor Rachel, both cute kids, can find anyone else but the other to fuck. It's a big world out there...

Not Interested in Act 2

Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams have touched off rumors of a re-kindled romance. Apparently Gosling was DJing at a jazz club and Rachel showed up to see him...and of course someone got a picture of the two of them and now the lame-o's are all a-twitter. Gosling looks hostile here and Rachel has ugly legs. Look at these two long enough and you could come down with narcolepsy.

Ryan Gosling is Not Dating Weezy

First of all, Weezy is dead. Second of all, she was a character on a TV show. Third of all, the woman in the picture is actually African scholar Betty Bigombe. And it's not cool of me to make a joke out of her vague resemblance to Isabel Sanford. I could just as easily joke about Gosling's vague resemblance to a Prussian colonel and do some bit about how he likes fucking his dog. Not that all Prussian colonels fucked their dogs. Only some of them did. The rest of them were sheep men.

Kirsten Dunst Looks Almost Clean

Wow...rehab really helped Kirsten Dunst. Or maybe it's that she's been fucking Ryan Gosling. Whatever it is, she looks a lot better than before. Like she developed some self-respect along the way and decided to dump the whole neo-Bohemian dirtbag bit.

By the way...Kirsten better not let her butt balloon too much, or Gosling will dump her the way he dumped that fat-ass Rachel McAdams.

Ryan Gosling Likes Flea Markets

Ryan Gosling doesn't appear to be as vain as a lot of Hollywood stars. Actually, he seems more along the lines of a Keanu Reeves...someone for whom personal appearance, and personal odor, are matters of almost no importance.

Gosling-Panettiere Rumors Heat Up

So you thought the pic of Ryan Gosling and Hayden Panettiere being friendly at the GQ awards was just a little red-carpet posing, huh? Well, not so fast, buttbrains. According to Rush & Molloy, there was more going on than just a little side-by-side action for the cameras. Witnesses say Gosling and Panettiere were hugging "a lot" at the GQ event, and ended up exchanging phone numbers at the end of the evening.

Those in denial about Gosling's obvious feelings for young Ms. Hayden will no doubt commence trying to explain away that report now. Oh, Ryan is obviously just really concerned about the dolphins, and he wanted Hayden's phone number so he could call her and talk about what he can do to help her in her noble efforts to stop the slaughter. Yeah, that's it. He's not screwing her. No way. Not him. He still loves Rachel. I just know they're going to get back together. They're so perfect for each other, and true love can never ever die, and I'm gonna sit here locked in my living room watching The Notebook over and over until they get back together cause I just think they're so cool and if they lived next door to me we would totally be best friends and we'd invite each other over for barbecues and play Apples to Apples and it would be so awesome...

(source)

Gosling And Panettiere?

This is gonna hack a few people off I imagine - Ryan Gosling and Hayden Panettiere pressed together at the GQ Men of the Year awards. Okay, I know, it's just a stupid snap from a red-carpet appearance, but still - he has his hand on her arm. And he's almost kind of smirking. And Hayden's got a little moisture going in her eyes. I'm not saying they're fucking, I'm just saying, if someone told me they were fucking, it would not surprise me even a little.

All you Hayden haters - you know who you are Dishy-Wishy - can go fly a kite. She looks pretty there.

World's Most Boring Couple Officially No Longer A Couple

Ryan Gosling has officially confirmed what we all already knew - Rachel McAdams is the most boring bitch on the face of the earth.

No, I'm kidding. He didn't really say that. What he actually confirmed was that he and Rachel are no longer seeing each other. That's a biggie, huh? I know you were just on the edges of your seats waiting to see what would happen with those two. Hold on a second while I put my jaw back in joint after that colossal yawn.

There. Better.

Getting back to Ryan. Seems certain delusional nut-jobs are actually upset with him over his inability to marry Rachel or otherwise hold onto her. Ryan told GQ:

Women are mad at me. A girl came up to me on the street and she almost smacked me. Like, "How could you? How could you let a girl like that go?"

And of course Ryan immediately took that girl to a bar, got her liquored up, banged her and fled. No I'm kidding again. He didn't bother taking her to a bar - he just hit her over the head with a brick and had his way with her right there in the street. Oh my God, he did not! Ryan Gosling is a great guy and it's so sad he and Rachel couldn't work it out cause they were such a cute couple and he's so hot and she seems really nice and I think I would totally be friends with her and we could like go shopping and Ryan could come too and he'd be all trailing behind us with that hang-dog thing guys get when they have to go shopping and we'd be giggling at him and then we'd have lunch at the food court oh my God I just love Taco Bell chalupas...

(source)

Man-Meat

Ryan Gosling frolics in the surf with another guy. A lesser man might jump to conclusions at this point, but not Crabbie - he knows that Ryan Gosling is a hetero through and through. Unless, after a few years with that parasitic freak Rachel McAdams hanging off him, Ryan decided he wanted to see how the other half lives. Welcome to the good side Ryan! Oh, I guess I just jumped...



Speaking of homos - hey, it's Matthew McConaughey and his munchkin arms. And he's hanging out with another guy too. These fellows are so athletic and outdoorsy. Although Matthew looks like he's more serious about it. Gosling possesses a complexion normally not seen outside of Transylvanian castles. Get some more sun Ryan! And Matthew - just keep doing what you're doing, hon. Love those pecs.

Further Confirmation Of Gosling/McAdams Split

Rush & Molloy told us yesterday that Hollywood super-couple Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams had split up. Some didn't want to believe this - apparently Gosling and McAdams have a few mouth-breathing nitwit fans out there who think the world will come to an end if they quit fornicating. But, alas, a new day brings further confirmation that, at least, things are not all rosy between everyone's favorite pair of human sleeping pills. According to US Weekly, McAdams and Gosling are "spending some time apart." Translation: they can no longer stand the sight of each other.

One of US's sources told them it was "a break, not a break-up," and seemed to imply that Rachel has mental problems, by pointing out that Rachel is "dependent" on Gosling, and that Gosling wants to get away from the clingy bitch so he can take advantage of the buzz he's generating in the wake of his Oscar nomination. Another source, however, went farther, saying they split weeks ago, and citing the old "couldn't work out their schedules" excuse.

Sorry, but it all adds up to one thing for Crabbie: Gosling is hot right now, while McAdams is basically irrelevant, and Gosling was tired of the bitch hanging off him, and wants to grab as much poon as he can while people actually know who he is. Wouldn't surprise me one bit to see Gosling haunting Hyde and Les Deux now, trying to get him a piece of a Lindsay or an Ashlee or perhaps even a Cory Kennedy. And Rachel? Let the stupid, neurotic twat sit home and knit, or chew her fingernails, or carve Gosling's name into her thigh. Slag can't act, ain't attractive, has the personality of a rolled-up sweat-sock. Who cares what she does?

(source)

Gosling And McAdams Are Finished

A couple days ago, Crabbie reported that dull-as-dishwater actors Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams were planning on getting hitched. Not so fast my friend. According to Rush & Molloy, not only are the couple not getting married, but they've actually split up entirely. Allegedly, at the premiere of Gosling's new movie Fracture last Wednesday, a friend asked him where Rachel was, and Gosling replied, "Don't you know? We broke up." This was all supposedly overheard by someone. So, obviously, it must be true.

I wish I could say I was sorry for Ryan and Rachel, but I'm not. Each is boring enough on their own, but the two of them together? Tortuous. Like sorting socks while watching paint dry and listening to Garrison Keillor. So I'm glad they've split. I'm happy they never had a chance to get married and have children. Because then they would've been even more boring (if that's possible).

(source)

World's Dullest Couple May Make It Official

Adorably uninteresting couple Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams may finally be ready to get hitched - but they don't want anyone to know about it. According to sources, the actors plan on marrying some time this year, but in order to throw off the press, they're going to do it secretly, and have forbidden their families to talk about it.

A little message from the Crabster to Ryan and Rachel: This whole throwing-off-the-press scheme? Yeah - lame. First of all, it presumes that anyone gives a shit about you two getting married. Dispatch from reality - they don't. Maybe one or two goofy fans have a passing interest, and perhaps the stylist who puts those darling pink streaks in Rachel's hair. But no one with a life even cares one iota. Second of all, that tactic of telling your families not to talk will never work, because, as everyone knows who follows celeb-news, someone always blabs. Some dimbulb cousin will go to a tab and give up the whole thing, and when you show up to the courthouse or whatever, there will be two or three photographers there, and you'll be like, "Who the hell told?" But you'll never know, cause the sources are always kept anonymous. And then you'll have to go through the rest of your lives wondering which of your kin sold you out. It will hang over you like a cloud till you die. But, congratulations anyway, you two crazy kids.

(source)

McAdams Spreads Her Dullness Abroad

Rachel McAdams is in Paris for Fashion Week. Maybe while she's there she could buy a jacket that doesn't look like it was purchased at a pawn shop. And where's Ryan Gosling in this picture? What, did she finally pry herself off him for ten minutes? When she turned her back he probably made a break for it. Run, Ryan, run!

(I apologize for the dullness of the above post. But, that's just how it is with McAdams. It's impossible to make her seem interesting, even when you're making fun of her.)

The Critics' Choice Awards Bring Out The She-Males And Boring People

The Critics' Choice Awards happened last night. A bunch of boring shit like Little Miss Sunshine and Dreamgirls won some statues. But that's not what we care about, is it? No. We want to see what people were wearing and what their hair looked like. Miss Penelope Cruz, for example. Now there's a beauty. And she didn't even go too heavy on the raccoon-look last night. She was more of a ferret or perhaps a prairie dog.

It's Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. Are they married yet or still engaged or thinking about getting engaged or just living in sin? I don't know. And I don't really care. I find both of them tedious. Rachel with her stupid pink hair, trying desperately to not seem like the most boring chick on the face of the earth. And Gosling with his serious-actor affectations and his Gordon Gekko slick-back. To borrow a phrase befitting Rachel's hair: Gag me with a spoon (like fersure).

Okay, Jennifer - we all know you're a goofball. We've seen it, and we sort of like it. So why, whenever you appear at these awards shows and things, do you feel it necessary to adopt that dopey, hard-core Alias thing? I mean honestly. Look at your face Jennifer. You don't seem bad-ass. You look like you tasted something funny and now you're trying to hold down your puke until you can run to the bathroom. Stop it. I'm serious.

I don't know what to make of Jessica Biel. Certain parts of her body appear quite feminine, while others would seem more at-home on someone who played defensive end for some hideous NFL team. It's strange to me that a girl as pretty as Jessica would aspire to have the upper-arms of Lou Ferrigno. And as for that ass. I'm sorry, but that ass is fake. That is an implant situation. This bitch has more space-age polymers in her body than a whole roomful of strippers.