Mary-Kate Olsen Gets a Parking Ticket

Mary-Kate Olsen discovers a parking-ticket on her windshield after a trip to Neil George Salon in Beverly Hills. And her ticket from the fashion-police will be arriving in the mail any day now (please tell me flannel isn't making a comeback).

Crabbie's Poetry: Heather Mills

Poor Heather Limpy Girl

Poor Heather,
can't walk to school no more.
God done gone and stole your leg.
Limpy Heather and her plastic gam.
Watch out Heather,
so that dog don't pee on you!

Poor Heather,
thought she had it made.
Married a Beatle and whammo.
Fame for limpy Heather thanks to Paul.
Watch out Paul,
bitch is a gold-digging shrew!

Poor Heather,
now she's in the dumps.
Broke up with Paul and every one hates her.
But Heather's got revenge on her mind.
Watch out world,
that Heather's on the war-path now.

Poor us,
got to listen to this twit forever.
Never gonna shut up about Paul hitting her.
And she says Paul hit Linda too.
Watch out Heather,
karma's almost as big a bitch as you.

Madonna Officially Bonkers

Madonna is going on Oprah to defend herself for stealing her new Malawian baby away from its father. And all I have to say is, "Somebody call the men in the white coats." (video link)

At what point did this bitch go off the rails exactly? Was it when she decided she was the only English person ever born in Detroit?

Lose the accent Madonna - you sound like a complete asshole!

And Madonna, dearie - do you really think it's a good idea to admit you don't read the newspaper? I mean, we all know you're a total numbskull, but that doesn't mean you have to confirm it for us.

And poor little David Banda, stuck for the next eighteen years of his life with this godless nutbag. Kid would've been better off being snatched in the night by a lonely gorilla.

Scarlett and Gisele at ShowStudio's Bal Masque for Photographer Nick Knight

So who's hotter boys?

Meow.

A Cyndi Lauper costume? Huh?

Flavor Flav at the Reality Remix Really Awards

Flav. Not the Burger King birthday boy crown.

Crabbie's Odds

The gender and name of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's second child have been revealed: It's a boy and its name is Jayden James Federline.

Odds of K-Fed giving up strip clubs and booze to stay home and take care of the kids: 5000-1.
Odds of Britney moving off the couch any time in the next two months: 6000-1.
Odds of Jayden James growing up to be a quantum physicist: 1000000-1.

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Courtney Love is now taking credit for talking Pete Doherty into entering rehab (this after she reportedly mentored Whitney Houston through her own drug troubles).

Odds Courtney is telling the truth: 200-1.
Odds Courtney is actually sober now herself: 500-1.
Odds the coroner will be able to identify Love's body as that of a human being after she dies: 10000-1.

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Wesley Snipes, in Namibia shooting a movie, has said he will not put his work on hold to return to America and face charges of tax fraud.

Odds Wesley ever sets foot in America again: 20000-1.
Odds Wesley ever has a hit movie again: 30000-1.
Odds Wesley is adopted by either Angelina Jolie or Madonna and made into a sex slave: 3-1.

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are officially officially getting married in Italy on November, 18. Officially.

Odds Katie Holmes is lucid during the wedding ceremony: 5000-1.
Odds Tom Cruise wears elevator shoes during said ceremony: Even.
Odds Mr. Spock gets drunk and punches Alf at the reception: 2-1.

Heather Mills Wants to Become an Advocate For Battered Women

Having accused Paul McCartney of physically abusing her, cosmic bitch Heather Mills now says she wants to work for a charity that aids victims of domestic violence.

"She basically wants to make the most of a dreadful situation," said a friend of Mills, "and is determined to keep up her charity work. The charities she's mentioned are Refuge and perhaps Shelter which deals with women, the victims of domestic abuse, who have been forced out of their homes."

These are legitimate charities I'm assuming. Ones that deal with women who have actually been abused, and aren't just saying they've been abused because they want to smear a person at whom they've become bitterly angry. In which case Heather Mills wouldn't seem like a very appropriate spokesperson.

This bitch is great - either she's the biggest liar in the world or a complete psychotic.

Or Paul really did beat her, in which case I might want to avoid getting too cozy on his bandwagon.