If I Only Had A Specific Gender...

Jordan Bratman doesn't need a brain, he needs a dick. Aguilera doesn't need to get home, she needs to not have a dick. The kid doesn't need courage he needs Angelina Jolie to adopt him. Is Bratman supposed to be an alcoholic Scarecrow or is that red nose a mistake? Is Aguilera disappointed if she doesn't get at least one glow-in-the-dark dildo on Halloween?

That's When You Know You're Done For

Lindsay Lohan is losing jobs faster than Gary Busey is losing brain cells. First she was dropped from Ugly Betty for being a bitch, and now she's been ditched as host of the World Music Awards for pitching a diva fit when it was suggested she might not be able to handle her duties without a co-host. Producers reportedly wanted to bring in Jesse Metcalfe to back her up - and it was the producers who then had to back up to avoid being spattered with hot bitch lava.

"Lindsay was furious that she wasn't the star," a source said. "The organizers had gone through a list of who was hot at the moment and returned to Lindsay again. But the feedback they got was really negative. They got worried and decided to change it. In the end it was decided by both parties it was better if she pulled out."

And you know what makes the story really hilarious? The World Music Awards have decided to replace Lohan with Denise Richards. Yes, the same Denise Richards who appears utterly insane every time you see her. Producers decided Denise was more stable and reliable than Lindsay. A woman who lives in pig shit and voluntarily fucked Charlie Sheen! Dear Lindsay: Your career is so in the crapper even Joe the Plumber couldn't get it out. Better marry Sam Ronson before she comes to her senses.

In For A Shock?

It's a day away from election day and all the stars are supposedly pointing toward an Obama win, perhaps even a landslide. Great. So why do I have this strange feeling something wacky is going to happen? Why, when I hear all the clearly-in-the-tank-for-Obama experts yammering on TV, does a vision of Ann Coulter laughing her ass off suddenly begin to materialize before my face? Why does the sound of Bill Kristol having the most ginormous orgasm of his miserable, crusty little life float into my ears as if on a breeze blown straight from Hades? Why do I imagine Jon Voight having magnificent ass-sex with Stephen Baldwin while Stephen is simultaneously getting jacked-off by Elisabeth Hasselbeck? I need to see a shrink bad, don't I?

What was I talking about again? Oh, McCain. Yes...the polls all say Obama has a significant lead (only those shady ones Drudge likes to quote have the race even remotely close). The pundits are all putting it in the win column for the Democrats. The only ones not throwing it in cruise control are the Obama people themselves who keep telling us it's not over and crazy things can happen and we have to get out and vote and make sure it's a good clean win (in other words they want a blow-out; gives them a clearer mandate, plus they want to humiliate the Republicans as much as possible). Maybe it's all even true. Maybe enough of the country has seen through the Republican shenanigans; maybe enough Republicans have become fed up with their party to switch to Juggy or just not vote. Maybe, just maybe, Sarah Palin has turned off enough people with her bleating inanity that a Republican win is now about as likely as a box-office smash starring David Caruso and Kate Hudson. Maybe. Personally, I'll believe it when the results are in. And Michelle Malkin has stopped calling for an injunction, a recount and the arrest of Obama on charges of attempted terrorism. In other words never.

And by the way I am not a Democrat. I don't have an Obama bumper sticker or an Obama button or an Obama butt-plug. I don't have a screensaver of Joe Biden's hottest hairstyles or a Nancy Pelosi Christmas tree star or a Harry Reid cookie jar (which would be creepy as fuck by the way). By and large, I find all politicians insufferable. The last one I really liked was Jim Traficant and that was just because he was crazy as a motherfucker. I have cast my lot with Obama simply because I find him less offensive than the alternative. What I think this country really needs, much more than a jug-eared wonk who dances on Ellen and may or may not have sucked William Ayers' dick, is an end to the two-party system. We need choices god damn it. Am I the only one who listens to Ralph Nader? Presidential debates shouldn't be two guys rattling off bits from their stump speeches in the form of answers to questions the moderator may or may not have asked - they should be stirring democratic royal rumbles that start with 10 crazy Dennis Kuciniches and end four days later when the last person collapses from exhaustion like Jefferson Smith at the close of his epochal filibuster. They should come with a parental discretion warning for foul language, possible frontal nudity and a whole lot of the issues of the day being hashed out without concern for anyone's delicate sensibilities. There should be a halftime show starring some arthritic rock band that wrote its first song on a papyrus scroll. There should be punch and possibly some cake. And above all there should be options. There should be at least a tiny possibility that some insane midget like Ron Paul could actually win. And there should be a return to real federalism and separation of powers...but that's a matter for another time. Can't fix all the country's ills in one day.

How Many Assistants Had To Die?

Martha Stewart dressed up as Medusa for her Halloween show. I bet that wasn't a hellish experience, making up Martha and getting her snakes and her gown just right. Did they do that gray make-up all over her body or just the parts that showed? That's Blake Lively as Cleopatra, by the way. Memo to Martha: Gossip Girl is so mid-September. Catch up, bitch.

McCain On SNL

Mummy-arms went on Saturday Night Live to show everyone he's really not a bitter, scary old man after all. The QVC bit with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin is decent. Dropping Cindy McCain in was a nice touch but don't watch it before you go to sleep or you will have nightmares of a blank-eyed witch trying to strangle you.



McCain on Weekend Update. Pretty weak. Sorry John but you lost us. We used to sort of like you but now we think you're evil. Do us a favor and go away forever. (I was going to suggest you take up golf but you have to be able to move your arms for that. Sorry.)

Moron

Some crazy Montreal comedians tricked Sarah Palin into thinking she was talking to French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Palin got on the line with the doof who strung her along for a good five minutes before finally letting her off the hook. At no point in this bit does Palin seem to realize she's being fucked over. At the end you can hear her saying something to her assistant and I believe I heard the words "for Christ's sake" slip out. Way to take the Lord's name in vain Sarah. My God - this woman is so stupid it actually makes me hurt. When the fake Sarkozy slips a Nailin' Palin (the porn movie about her) reference into the bit - priceless.

Taking Get Off My Lawn Sonny To The Next Level

This crotchety old grandpa got sick of neighborhood rapscallions stealing his McCain-Palin signs so he set up an electrified fence and a video camera. The kid wasn't hurt but his parents were pissed. The guy ended up taking down the fence and some woman waltzed up and stole his new sign. Proof that Obama supporters are basically as juvenile and absurd as McCain ones.