It's a day away from election day and all the stars are supposedly pointing toward an Obama win, perhaps even a landslide. Great. So why do I have this strange feeling something wacky is going to happen? Why, when I hear all the clearly-in-the-tank-for-Obama experts yammering on TV, does a vision of Ann Coulter laughing her ass off suddenly begin to materialize before my face? Why does the sound of Bill Kristol having the most ginormous orgasm of his miserable, crusty little life float into my ears as if on a breeze blown straight from Hades? Why do I imagine Jon Voight having magnificent ass-sex with Stephen Baldwin while Stephen is simultaneously getting jacked-off by Elisabeth Hasselbeck? I need to see a shrink bad, don't I?
What was I talking about again? Oh, McCain. Yes...the polls all say Obama has a significant lead (only those shady ones Drudge likes to quote have the race even remotely close). The pundits are all putting it in the win column for the Democrats. The only ones not throwing it in cruise control are the Obama people themselves who keep telling us it's not over and crazy things can happen and we have to get out and vote and make sure it's a good clean win (in other words they want a blow-out; gives them a clearer mandate, plus they want to humiliate the Republicans as much as possible). Maybe it's all even true. Maybe enough of the country has seen through the Republican shenanigans; maybe enough Republicans have become fed up with their party to switch to Juggy or just not vote. Maybe, just maybe, Sarah Palin has turned off enough people with her bleating inanity that a Republican win is now about as likely as a box-office smash starring David Caruso and Kate Hudson. Maybe. Personally, I'll believe it when the results are in. And Michelle Malkin has stopped calling for an injunction, a recount and the arrest of Obama on charges of attempted terrorism. In other words never.
And by the way I am not a Democrat. I don't have an Obama bumper sticker or an Obama button or an Obama butt-plug. I don't have a screensaver of Joe Biden's hottest hairstyles or a Nancy Pelosi Christmas tree star or a Harry Reid cookie jar (which would be creepy as fuck by the way). By and large, I find all politicians insufferable. The last one I really liked was Jim Traficant and that was just because he was crazy as a motherfucker. I have cast my lot with Obama simply because I find him less offensive than the alternative. What I think this country really needs, much more than a jug-eared wonk who dances on Ellen and may or may not have sucked William Ayers' dick, is an end to the two-party system. We need choices god damn it. Am I the only one who listens to Ralph Nader? Presidential debates shouldn't be two guys rattling off bits from their stump speeches in the form of answers to questions the moderator may or may not have asked - they should be stirring democratic royal rumbles that start with 10 crazy Dennis Kuciniches and end four days later when the last person collapses from exhaustion like Jefferson Smith at the close of his epochal filibuster. They should come with a parental discretion warning for foul language, possible frontal nudity and a whole lot of the issues of the day being hashed out without concern for anyone's delicate sensibilities. There should be a halftime show starring some arthritic rock band that wrote its first song on a papyrus scroll. There should be punch and possibly some cake. And above all there should be options. There should be at least a tiny possibility that some insane midget like Ron Paul could actually win. And there should be a return to real federalism and separation of powers...but that's a matter for another time. Can't fix all the country's ills in one day.
