Who's Going To Ghostwrite It? Trig Palin?

Carrie Prejean has signed a deal with some fly-by-night publishing house to do a book about her experiences as Miss California. The tome is to be called "Still Standing," and for literary merit, it will stand second only to Lauren Conrad's masterpiece "L.A. Candy."

I hate to break it to Carrie, but no one really cares about her side of the story. She is way past her expiration date. Even that idiot Perez Hilton has given up making fun of her, and that bastard never lets anything go. My advice to Carrie would be for her to forget this misbegotten venture and get on with her new career as a Republican Congressman's whore.

Oh, Sweetie

Carrie Prejean is looking for a new career now that she's through as a beauty queen. Punditry is out - even on FOX News you have to be semi-coherent - and that whole book writing thing is just a scam. So what's a girl with fake tits and no talent to do (if she's too virtuous to suck it up and work the pole?)? I got it - sing at race tracks! Oh, Carrie Prejean's golden pipes.

Just Give Back The Boobs Carrie

The tit-for-tat continues between Carrie Prejean and the production company responsible for putting on the Miss California USA pageant.

See what I did there with the "tit-for-tat?" Cause Carrie got boobs on the pageant's dime then went and got fired and now the pageant people are suing her cause they want their money back.

Carrie's lawyers have shot back with their standard statement: The pageant people don't like Carrie and are trying to smear her. So that means she didn't take the 5,000 bucks and spend it on tits? What did she spend it on then? I know it wasn't public speaking lessons.

All this controversy has taught me one thing: Beauty pageants should be banned by law. All they do is spawn insufferable twats like Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin. It's not like men need the stimulation now anyway. Sure, back in the '50s it was a big deal to see a chick in a hot one-piece, but there's this little thing called the internet these days.

How titillating are Carrie Prejean and her fake boobs to a generation raised on on-demand cumshots and midget orgies? Not very.

Who Was The Matchmaker? Satan?

I go to sleep all innocent as a lamb then wake up to discover that Russell Brand is chasing Katy Perry all over Europe. Now I may never sleep again!

No, it's not a joke - Brand says he is in love with Perry and has even sent her a love poem. The Daily Mail says Katy replied to the poem with a photograph of her tits that had the word "poem" written on it.

Because she couldn't think of a poem, you see? Because she is stupid. Because every time she is lost for words she resorts to showing her tits. Which is all the time.

And why am I so disturbed by this? Because Russell Brand and Katy Perry are the two most insufferable people in the world and the thought of them together is almost more than I can take. I would sooner have Mischa Barton hook up with Michael Lohan. I would rather endure the thought of Maggie Gyllenhaal fucking Mike Huckabee.

Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean double-teaming Glenn Beck (he wishes) would be less irritating than Brand putting his brand on that brainless cow Perry. Ugh, I'm going to be sick.

Shit-Canned Dipshit Surfaces

"Talk to the foot! I mean liver! No, that's not right. Dang it I can never remember what you call the one with the little hot-doggy things."

Dipshit Claims Firing Was Politically Motivated

Carrie Prejean dismisses charges that she failed to live up to contractual obligations and cites politics as the real reason she was stripped of her Miss California title.

"They don't agree with the stance that I took [on gay marriage]," Prejean prattled. "Shanna [Moakler] is trying to bash me. They don't like me. From Day One they wanted me out, and they got what they wanted."

Prejean also claims that the pageant people wanted her to pose in Playboy and appear on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, but she refused. Cause her Christian principles are real, unlike Heidi Montag's. Unfortunately, her boobs are just as fake as Montag's, which somewhat undermines her good-little-Godly-girl image. Of course, fake boobs are not actually forbidden by the Bible, so that makes it technically okay for her to have them. Sucking Donald Trump's dick might be a little harder to square with the Big Guy once Carrie's day comes around (hopefully, that day will come soon, and will involve large amounts of electricity passing painfully through her surgically-enhanced body).

Dipshit Shit-Canned

Miss Universe has done a 180 on Miss California Carrie Prejean, electing to fire her just a month after Donald Trump told her she could keep her job despite lying about her topless photo escapades.

"This was a business decision, based solely on contract violations," said a representative for K2 productions, the company that's contracted to handle Miss Universe. "After our press conference in New York we had hoped we would be able to forge a better working relationship. However, since that time it has become abundantly clear that Carrie has no desire to fulfill her obligations under our contract and work together."

Donald Trump issued his own statement in which he supported K2's decision. That leaves poor little Carrie out in the cold, lacking a platform from which to spread her hateful, homophobic bullshit. Until FOX News hires her as a full-time anchor, which I expect to happen any day now. Well, why not? She's no less vapid and inhuman than Sean Hannity. And think of the ratings she could get, especially if she flashed her fake tits once a night.

Thanks For Warning Us Jon

Jon Voight is on a crusade to stop Barack Obama from...I'm not sure quite what. Ruining America? Spreading socialism? Having sex with white women? Obviously, not everyone in that family is as fond of brown people as Angelina. But it's easy to see where she gets the crazy from. Voight has gone entirely off the rails; he makes Dennis Miller seem calm and reasonable.

I'm not entirely certain where Jon is going with his "false prophet" characterization of Obama. Does anyone really think of him as a prophet? He's using the kind of language that goes over well with other religious imbeciles, I guess. Jeez, this is what the right wing has going for it. Jon Voight. Rush Limbaugh. Glenn Beck. Sarah Palin. That dude from Growing Pains who thinks the second coming is right around the corner. That homophobe Miss California. Brain wizards.