The Critics' Choice Awards happened last night. A bunch of boring shit like
Little Miss Sunshine and
Dreamgirls won some statues. But that's not what we care about, is it? No. We want to see what people were wearing and what their hair looked like. Miss Penelope Cruz, for example. Now there's a beauty. And she didn't even go too heavy on the raccoon-look last night. She was more of a ferret or perhaps a prairie dog.
It's Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. Are they married yet or still engaged or thinking about getting engaged or just living in sin? I don't know. And I don't really care. I find both of them tedious. Rachel with her stupid pink hair, trying desperately to not seem like the most boring chick on the face of the earth. And Gosling with his serious-actor affectations and his Gordon Gekko slick-back. To borrow a phrase befitting Rachel's hair: Gag me with a spoon (like fersure).
Okay, Jennifer - we all know you're a goofball.
We've seen it, and we sort of like it. So why, whenever you appear at these awards shows and things, do you feel it necessary to adopt that dopey, hard-core
Alias thing? I mean honestly. Look at your face Jennifer. You don't seem bad-ass. You look like you tasted something funny and now you're trying to hold down your puke until you can run to the bathroom. Stop it. I'm serious.
I don't know what to make of Jessica Biel. Certain parts of her body appear quite feminine, while others would seem more at-home on someone who played defensive end for some hideous NFL team. It's strange to me that a girl as pretty as Jessica would aspire to have the upper-arms of Lou Ferrigno. And as for that ass. I'm sorry, but that ass is fake. That is an implant situation. This bitch has more space-age polymers in her body than a whole roomful of strippers.
The Critics' Choice Awards happened last night. A bunch of boring shit like Little Miss Sunshine and Dreamgirls won some statues. But that's not what we care about, is it? No. We want to see what people were wearing and what their hair looked like. Miss Penelope Cruz, for example. Now there's a beauty. And she didn't even go too heavy on the raccoon-look last night. She was more of a ferret or perhaps a prairie dog. 
It's Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. Are they married yet or still engaged or thinking about getting engaged or just living in sin? I don't know. And I don't really care. I find both of them tedious. Rachel with her stupid pink hair, trying desperately to not seem like the most boring chick on the face of the earth. And Gosling with his serious-actor affectations and his Gordon Gekko slick-back. To borrow a phrase befitting Rachel's hair: Gag me with a spoon (like fersure).
Okay, Jennifer - we all know you're a goofball. We've seen it, and we sort of like it. So why, whenever you appear at these awards shows and things, do you feel it necessary to adopt that dopey, hard-core Alias thing? I mean honestly. Look at your face Jennifer. You don't seem bad-ass. You look like you tasted something funny and now you're trying to hold down your puke until you can run to the bathroom. Stop it. I'm serious.
I don't know what to make of Jessica Biel. Certain parts of her body appear quite feminine, while others would seem more at-home on someone who played defensive end for some hideous NFL team. It's strange to me that a girl as pretty as Jessica would aspire to have the upper-arms of Lou Ferrigno. And as for that ass. I'm sorry, but that ass is fake. That is an implant situation. This bitch has more space-age polymers in her body than a whole roomful of strippers.
