The SAG Awards were on last night, but I didn't watch them - I was too busy counting my pubic hairs. Anyway, there was the usual red carpet stuff on E!, Seacrest making everyone uncomfortable, and probably Matenopoulos and the rest of it. Then the actual awards, which were on TNT and TBS. What? When did TNT and TBS start showing awards shows? I thought all they had was re-runs of Law & Order? And speaking of Law & Order, here's Mariska Hargitay. Yes, that's the kind of night it was. No Angelina. No Brad. No Justin and Cameron. Mariska Hargitay.
Anne Hathaway. Whenever I see her, all I can think about is the scene in Brokeback with her and Jake in the truck. That was some acting by Jake, pretending to want to have sex with a woman.
Meadow Soprano gives a wave. Insert lame joke about someone getting whacked. Move on with life.
Where's a sniper when you need one?
Debi Mazar. Now that's when you know your awards show is pretty lame. But it's not really, really lame until either Kathy Griffin or Andy Dick show up. And if both of them show up, then you might just as well clear out the whole place. And don't forget to disinfect.
I can't remember why I used to not like Eva Longoria. Now I think she's kind of cool, in a lucky-not-to-be-a-Tijuana-hooker way.
Cate Blanchett and her long neck. Must be such a chore being Cate this time of year, always nominated for a gazillion awards. Why don't you try sucking for awhile, Cate, then you won't have to spend three months shuttling from one stupid red carpet to the next? It's not easy learning how not to act though. Unless you call up Madonna and get some lessons.(BTW, Cate has really beautiful eyes, doesn't she?)
Hey look, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. Oh no, wait. It's Helen Hunt. Damn.
Teri Hatcher. Please tell me it's the camera angle. Oh boy.
Katherine Heigl, radiant as always. And still probably really pissed at Isaiah Washington.
The diminutive Reese Witherspoon. Has Reese settled on a man yet since chucking Ryan? She was messing around with Jakey-poo there for awhile, but I haven't heard anything lately. Maybe she's gone over to the other side. I think she'd make a great angry lesbian, don't you? She just needs to get a buzz-cut and work out a little. Stop dressing so girlie. Maybe get a lipring.
