Update: Paris Hilton Punched in Face. At Last.

Paris Hilton filed a police report early on Wednesday morning, in which she alleged that the model Shanna Moakler had punched her in the face during an altercation at the L.A. nightspot Hyde.

Moakler, who is best known for having been married to grody tattooed rocker Travis Barker, also filed a police report around the same time, claiming Paris's companion, Stavros Niarchos, had poured a drink over her head.

Paris, through publicist Elliot Mintz, alleges that she herself never struck Moakler, and that Moakler actually approached her and began shouting obscenities before unleashing the punch.

It has been previously reported that Hilton was messing around with Moakler's ex, the aforementioned Travis Barker. Which would tend to explain, I suppose, why Moakler would not be the world's biggest Paris fan.

First of all - Paris. You don't really expect us to buy this, "I was innocently enjoying myself when this crazy bitch came out of nowhere and started swearing at me and then punched me" routine, do you? We know you better than that Paris. We know you had to do something to set this bitch off, beyond messing around with her ex. You just can't help yourself.

Second of all, I thought Paris and Stavros Niarchos were done. I thought Niarchos was messing around with Lindsay Lohan. I just can't keep these crazy cunts and their boy-toys straight anymore.

Third of all - isn't it hilarious that Paris Hilton got punched in the face?

Crap From Around the Celeblogosphere...

Shit that caught the Crabster's eye today.

1. Perez Hilton photo-shopped himself into a picture of Ashlee Simpson with her old nose on.


If you're going to cut-and-paste yourself into a photograph, you might want to make sure your head doesn't look disproportionately large and monkey-like. Just a suggestion.

2. X17 Online ran this here picture of Paris Hilton with a naughty new shirt.

Who is a bigger bimbo? Perez or Paris? I think we all know the answer to that.

3. TMZ posted video of Matthew McConaughey brushing his teeth while driving. Why? Because the video of him being blown by Jake Gyllenhaal while driving was not available.

Crabbie's Quickies: George Michael's Drug Woes; Bobby Brown's Arrest Warrant; Eva and Tony's Bust-Up; Moss and Doherty's Wedding Plans

George Michael says he doesn't have a drug problem.

Am I missing something? Didn't George just get arrested for falling asleep at an intersection while on dope?

And I suppose Mel Gibson doesn't have any problems with Jews either. And Anna Nicole Smith is on perfectly good terms with reality.

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Bobby Brown over his failure to show up for a Boston court date.

3-1 they find Bobby in an abandoned warehouse blubbering and soaked in urine (both his own and other people's). And waving a gun around.

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Reports say swarthy little bitch Eva Longoria dumped her boyfriend, hoopster hottie Tony Parker, because Parker was getting too cozy with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Sounds like Eva was having trouble keeping somebody happy. Might be time for her to consider having certain things tightened up (and I don't mean her ass).

By the way, Tony Parker. If you should ever become interested in moving over to the gay side of town, I'm available for tour-guide duties. You bald-headed slab of ball-bouncing Euro beef.

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Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are planning on getting married and starting a family.

Says Doherty's manager Eammon Tucker, "She's [Moss] just a very sweet girl who's very much in love with Pete. He makes her laugh and they're looking forward to having children soon."

I wonder what makes Kate Moss laugh. Balloon-animals? Dirty limericks? Seeing Pete passed out in a puddle of his own vomit?

Esquire Says Scarlett The Sexiest Woman Alive. Star Jones Robbed Again.

Esquire Magazine has named movie star Scarlett Johansson the sexiest woman on earth.

Boys?

Posh Will Never Sing Again. She Will Continue Yelping Every Time David Steps on Her Tail However.

The world's ears are breathing a sigh of relief after Posh Spice's announcement that she is done with the music business.

"That's in the past," says Mrs. David Beckham of her entertainment career. "I was an okay singer and an okay dancer, and I had to work at it."

Posh says she will now be focusing all her energies on her fashion career. Her first line of casual wear for women and squirrels will be coming out later this year.

Making Ourselves Feel Better By Belittling the Beautiful: Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly at the premiere of Lost season 3.

Why do I have the overwhelming urge to punch this bitch in the face?

The King Screwed Marilyn. Thankyouverymuch...

Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley once had sex. And the details of their encounter (or some of them anyway) are being related for the first time by retired agent Byron Raphael, the man who delivered Monroe to Presley's hotel room for the secret rendezvous.

Presley had approached Monroe, at the urging of the William Morris agency, about the possibility of a mutually beneficial public affair, but Monroe turned him down (she was married to Arthur Miller at the time). But Elvis was smitten enough by the drug-addled bombshell that, two weeks hence, he called Raphael and arranged for Marilyn to be driven to his kingly digs that they might engage in acts of coitus. Here Raphael remembers the once-in-a-lifetime evening:

It was a rainy night and I brought her to the Beverly Wilshire [hotel] and we went upstairs to his room. When he saw her, they came together and, without saying a word, started kissing. I was in shock and I didn't know what to do. Then Marilyn, who was 10 years older, said, 'You're pretty good for a guitar player.'

After two minutes, they went into the bedroom and I didn't know if I was supposed to leave, or stay and wait for them, so I sort of just dozed off. The next thing I knew I was startled awake by the door opening and I dove behind the bar. And they both walked out stark naked. I didn't say a word. I just stayed quietly.

The two stars then disappeared back into the boudoir, says Raphael, and he decided to beat an exit from the hotel room. The details of their further activities that night are now lost to history. Says Raphael:

He either put her in a cab or she stayed the night, I don't know. ... A few days later, when I mentioned Marilyn to Elvis, he said, 'She's a nice gal, but a little tall for me.'

Raphael decided that remaining silent would be the most prudent course of action. And apparently so did Elvis.

There were a lot of other young girls I would bring up to see Elvis - but he would never mention Marilyn again.