Poor Boy

Boy George has been found guilty of false imprisonment for handcuffing escort Audun Carlsen and beating him with a metal chain. George is sure to receive a jail sentence for this which in his case would be better than a trip to Club Med. I do think it's sad though that we live in a world where a man can be thrown in the slammer just for being a bit kinky. What's next? Sex-dungeon raids? Prison terms for tying somebody to a bed and slapping them silly with a dead fish? No more nipple-clamps hooked up to car batteries? Slippery slope, people.

Britney's Ex-Husband Jailed. No, The Other One...

Jason Alexander, the guy who was married to Britney Spears for ten minutes yet still thinks he's an authority on the inner-workings of her twisted mind, is currently serving a 10-day jail sentence in Van Nuys stemming from a 2006 drunk driving bust. Star Magazine says the doof got locked up because he failed to complete a court-mandated rehab program. Maybe he thought Britney would use her clout to keep him out of the slammer. Dumb fucker! She doesn't even remember you dude. It's 50/50 that she remembers Federline.

Get Over Yourselves Kids

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have been on the stage for, what, five minutes? And I'm already ready for them to get off. Yes, we know, you're the hip kids. That's why you dress like you're going to a goth wedding. Kristen is basically the new Chloe Sevigny at this point, and Robert? It's like the Jonases had a half-brother who ran away from home at 15, got into some really bad stuff and came back begging for smack money.

Couple Of The Year

I have it on good authority that Mariah has to pay Nick Cannon a thousand dollars, in advance, every time she touches him. This kind of semi-snuggle costs two-grand. A kiss? Five thousand. Sex? She doesn't have that much money.

Visual Aid

"And this is how I used to cup Joe's balls...before he dumped me for that slutty South American hag!"

Laughing Through The Tears

Jennifer Aniston told Entertainment Weekly that she finds amusement in rumors about John Mayer having gotten her pregnant. "Oh my God, it's hysterical," she said. "It's almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, 'I'm pregnant!' Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!'" Yeah, I'm sure you laugh Jen. Laugh and laugh and laugh until your barren, childless womb just aches. Face it - you're just one of those people. God didn't mean you to have children. It's okay. There are lots like that. You should just try to comfort yourself. Believe that everything happens for a reason, including your freakish inability to conceive.

Only A Spears...

Star Magazine says Jamie Lynn Spears endangered the life of little unborn Maddie by getting liposuction while she was pregnant. The mag says Jamie Lynn just thought the preg-weight was regular Cheeto fat and begged her mom to let her get a blubber-suck, and her mom being a fantastic parent pulled strings and greased palms and convinced a surgeon to do the procedure on JL even though she's underaged. Apparently, no one involved in the process, including medical people, ever got clued in that JL's ballooniness might be the result of having a bun in the oven. Now do you people see why we need socialized medicine? Only many more layers of red tape can ever prevent this sort of thing from happening again. And sterilization of all members of the Spears family. And clip that pipelayer's peepee too just to be on the safe side.